Gabriel's books for little angels part 2

We have already met our goal of 100 books today.  We currently have 104 books to take to CMC hospital and I know some of you have told me that more are on the way!   This has been an incredibly difficult month so I am thankful that we can do something positive and honor our son at the same time.  We will continue to collect books until the end of the month and deliver them to the hospital then.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that contributed to our drive and I will continue to update our list.  I know that this list is not complete because we had several books delivered with no gift note attached so we don't know who they are from.  This list also does not include all of the beautiful people that have sent us flowers, cards, notes of encouragment and most importantly prayed for us! 

Each day comes with new and different challenges.  I'm so grateful to have people that are walking alongside us and praying for us. You have no idea how much your notes of encouragement mean to us. 

Thank you to the following people for contributing to our book drive!

Lucy Larmondra

Mike and Lisa Ensalaco

Tom and Susie Larmondra

Dave and Maureen Valentine

Carol Valentine

Related Services Department at Cabarrus County Schools

  Amelia Barrows

  Amber Silianoff

  Amy Channell

  Nancy Kiger

  Reagan Crummey

  Regina Beamon

  Sharon Antoszyk

  Lindsey Johnson

  Allison Megahey

Jill Spencer

Julie Phillips

Stephanie Bryant

Ally Betley

Joyce Ray

Monica Smith

Christy Takach

Joyce Camp

Anne-Marie Key
Bobbie Jo Migliaccio
Gretchen Baute

Sherry Lee

Carrie Whitley

Heather Clarke

Brandy Mills

Melissa Tapp

Pat Konicki

Audrey Remkus

Amanda Allen

Chris & Mauri Booth

Rebekah Hart

Lindsey Pratx

Ludmila Pashaev

Sandra Etherington

Tori Springate

Karen Cameron

Stacie and Jeff Yoder

Beth & Brian White

Nicole Anthony

Becky Stebelton

Mialee Schmeltzer
Matt and Katie Taylor

Deborah Drain & Family

Erin Conner-Holschuh

Ashleigh & Chris Twedt

Robbye Fielden

David Cline
Paul and Gretchen Kubinksi
Seth and Shannon McKay

April Lewis-Pinedale Children’s Ministry
Rick and Becky Walton
Kaye Goldbach
Michelle Kovalchick

3 months

I can't believe it's been 3 months since we said goodbye to Gabriel.  Although my memories are fading, my heart still feels the sting like it was yesterday. 

Even good days make me cry.  It's hard to think about anything really without thinking about how things should be different.  It was a beautiful weekend and I was cleaning the pool outside and although a mindless activity...all I could think about was I should be putting Gabriel on the shelf of the pool in a few months for the first time.  We wanted him to love the water and wanted him to get used to it early in life...I pictured him dipping his tiny toes in the water while Lily licked him in the face. 

We had a good day yesterday shopping for bikes for our birthdays...I cried on the way home thinking...how can I "enjoy" anything because I shouldn't be bike shopping, I should be home with a newborn.  I took Lily to the park both Saturday and today and both days I saw strollers...I want to enjoy the beautiful day with my puppy dog, but all I can think about is that I should be pushing Gabriel in a stroller too.

Everything just feels wrong and I still can't shake that feeling.  The world will likely never be in balance and nothing will ever be "right".  We will do the best we can to find joy again, but ultimately every bit of joy is tainted with sadness underneath.  Even the best things we will experience in the future will always end with...but Gabriel should be here.

I think the biggest endeavor for me right now is reconciling with God.  I'll be honest and say I don't even know where to begin.  I've ignored him, screamed at him, and been on my knees weeping begging for him to make it right.  None of these have made me feel closer to Him.  I rarely pick up the Bible, but I know that is how He would "speak" to me if He is going to.  I guess I feel like nothing He has to say is going to make it right so why bother. I'm sure I'll get there eventually.  I haven't completely lost faith...I have to believe that God is real because that is the only way that I know that I'll see Gabriel again one day, but it just doesn't make sense that He would allow this to happen after all of the prayers that we prayed for our little boy.  So, not sure where we stand right now...my faith isn't gone, but it's not what it used to be either.  Nothing is as it should be anymore.

due date

Tomorrow was Gabriel's due date...I was thinking that the actual day probably wouldn't be any worse than any other day, but his due date carries with it the memory of what should have been.  I can't help but think that this should be the most joyful time of my life...but here I sit with my baby in heaven and I'm broken hearted. 

Dear Gabriel,

I wish that I knew for sure that you could hear me because that would give me some peace.  I just hope that you didn't leave this world and never knew how much I loved you...and continue to love you each day.  You will never ever be forgotten baby boy...you have an earthly mother and father that love you beyond words.  The short time that we had with you was by far the most precious gift that I have ever been given and I hold on to those memories with everything that I have.  I hope that you felt our love in the womb and hope that you can feel our love even now.

We miss you sweet boy and hope to meet your precious soul in heaven one day...until then my heart beats for you!

Love,

Your mommy

March

I wish that I could go to sleep and wake up in April!  I have so much anxiety this month...just can't help but think about what could have been...what should have been.  I've been trying to occupy myself with positive things and think of positive things, but I always come back to wondering how different everything would have been...Gabriel would either be here already or we would be anxiously awaiting his arrival any day now.  For 6  months I had March 14th on my brain...knowing that he wasn't likely to arrive ON that day, but I knew that he would be here sometime around then so I already thought about how we would be spending my birthday this year (all snuggled in bed instead of my annual bday hike) or Easter or how old Gabriel would be on his first Christmas etc.   It's hard to just wipe those thoughts away as if they never existed...they didn't happen, but my thoughts were real so it's like trying to erase memories.  It's all just wrong...it feels so wrong that it makes me wonder if there is an alternate universe out there (like on Fringe) where I didn't lose Gabriel and I'm laying in bed not sleeping because he is kicking like crazy and my back hurts and I'm swollen head to toe and wondering when this little boy is going to arrive.  What I would give?!?!   I obviously know that's not true, but I do think about such non-sense sometimes...because it feels like it could be true.

I know that it's just another month without him...not really any different than January or February, but it feels different...now that we are in March when Gabriel SHOULD have arrived I am much more aware of my empty arms.  I remember thinking March is such a good month to have a baby in because Spring is coming and Spring signifies birth/life etc.  March signifies something far different for us now...and March will never be the same again.

Gabriel...oh how I wish you were here in my arms...

 

sad

I love children...I've dedicated my life to working with them...I believe that over the years that they have taught me more about life than I have taught them.  Last week at school a 4th grade student that was a peer buddy in the AU room that I used to teach in saw me for the first time since I've returned to work and she asked if I had my baby.  I was caught off guard and responded "Yes, but we lost him"...and she said "Oh, that is so sad"  I later thought about what she said and although simplistic...that's exactly what it is...sad.  I've written so many words about how I feel and what I am thinking, but honestly...sad...just about sums it up.  This month is sad.  This should have been the month that we delivered Gabriel AND brought him home.  I miss him.