This morning was meant to be...Wednesdays are my day off, but I had to schedule an IEP meeting for today because of schedule conflicts. The parent that I was meeting with was the mother of Gabriel (the boy that I spoke about in a previous post about signs). She told me that she needed to participate in this meeting by phone so I was suprised when I arrived to school this morning and she was there to meet in person. I told her that I was glad she was there, but thought we were going to do a phone conference...she responded "I felt like I needed to be here". Anyway, we had our meeting and in the course of the meeting we talked about how Gabriel was coping with losing his brother (her older son) that passed two years ago. The conversation eventually led to me telling her about losing my Gabriel and about the day that her Gabriel commented on my cross. She immediately teared up and said "I'm a believer in signs"...she went on to say that although our situations are different that no one can understand a mother's grieving heart other than another grieving mother. She hugged me as we both cried and said that she knows that Gabriel is in a better place...although that is hard to hear from other people for some reason I can accept it coming from her. To me what better place is there than in his mother's arms, but I know that as a believer that sitting in Heaven with our God is...just hard for me to accept sometimes.
Anyway, I have to believe that God is using this family to communicate with me...a boy named Gabriel and a grieving mother...and one of the few students that I've had to meet with their parents since Gabriel died...can't be a coincidence...
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
empty playground
I had a dream last night about Gabriel. I dreamt that a church was keeping Gabriel because when he was born he was so small and I couldn't take him home. In my dream I didn't know exactly where he was and we had to find him. We found the church and found Gabriel. The baby in the dream was much smaller than Gabriel actually was though, but I picked him up afraid that I wasn't going to be able to take care of him like he needed. It was time for us to take him home though and lots of friends were in the dream and they were there to help us bring home all of his things. The things that we were taking home though were things that in real life we never bought yet, but they were on his registry. My dream ended with us getting in the car to go home with him. I woke up with the feeling that I had at the beginning of the year which was Gabriel is alive, I just need to find him...then as the seconds between sleep and awake disappeared I realized that Gabriel was still gone...never to come home with us. I laid in bed feeling so empty.
I took Lily to the park today which often gets me emotional because I always envisioned taking Gabriel and Lily both to the park. I often see strollers, children playing etc. and it always makes me realize how much I'm missing out on. Today there were about 3 or 4 families on the playground when we started our walk. There was a pregnant woman pushing her about 18month old and she was smiling...seemingly carefree and I wondered if I will ever be able to smile like that. I walked Lily and we were doubling back to stay in the shade so that we came back the way that we came in and I looked at the playground and it was empty. It was odd seeing it full before and now empty. I saw some of the families under the picnic shelter so they hadn't actually left the park, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the empty playground. No kids being pushed in the swings, no giggling coming down the slide, no running or jumping...just quiet...just stillness. I thought that is not how a playground is meant to be...I playground is meant to be full of life, happiness, joy. My life feels like an empty playground...I know that this is not how it was meant, but it is. I look at our wedding pictures and see a woman with the biggest grin on her face...life was just beginning on that day, full of hope, full of possibility, full of love, full of joy...I have the same things in my life as I did that day, but the joy is gone. I love my husband more than I did on that day, but even the love we have for each other has changed...I love him more, but our innocent, carefree love is gone. When we look into each other's eyes now we see the deep sadness that lingers there...and will forever. This isn't how it was supposed to be.
We are coming up on 4 months...I've heard from other moms that there is a 4 month slump...I've hit it...hard. I'm back to crying multiple times a day...and I'm just sad. I miss my son and here 4 months later I'm still dreaming about how to bring him home...part of me doesn't want to accept the truth even still.
I took Lily to the park today which often gets me emotional because I always envisioned taking Gabriel and Lily both to the park. I often see strollers, children playing etc. and it always makes me realize how much I'm missing out on. Today there were about 3 or 4 families on the playground when we started our walk. There was a pregnant woman pushing her about 18month old and she was smiling...seemingly carefree and I wondered if I will ever be able to smile like that. I walked Lily and we were doubling back to stay in the shade so that we came back the way that we came in and I looked at the playground and it was empty. It was odd seeing it full before and now empty. I saw some of the families under the picnic shelter so they hadn't actually left the park, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the empty playground. No kids being pushed in the swings, no giggling coming down the slide, no running or jumping...just quiet...just stillness. I thought that is not how a playground is meant to be...I playground is meant to be full of life, happiness, joy. My life feels like an empty playground...I know that this is not how it was meant, but it is. I look at our wedding pictures and see a woman with the biggest grin on her face...life was just beginning on that day, full of hope, full of possibility, full of love, full of joy...I have the same things in my life as I did that day, but the joy is gone. I love my husband more than I did on that day, but even the love we have for each other has changed...I love him more, but our innocent, carefree love is gone. When we look into each other's eyes now we see the deep sadness that lingers there...and will forever. This isn't how it was supposed to be.
We are coming up on 4 months...I've heard from other moms that there is a 4 month slump...I've hit it...hard. I'm back to crying multiple times a day...and I'm just sad. I miss my son and here 4 months later I'm still dreaming about how to bring him home...part of me doesn't want to accept the truth even still.
Friday, April 5, 2013
overwhelming sadness
Some days I'm just sad. Yesterday I was sad all day...I walked Lily in the rain and cried the whole walk...felt like God was crying with me. Again, today just feel like a wave of overwhelming sadness just came over me. No special day, no triggers, no reminders...I just miss my son...just sad that we are missing so many special moments.
I have nothing new to say today...and I don't most days. Honestly, what else can be said at this point...I'm not bound to discover any answers, not going to rid myself of pain, and definitely not going to stop missing my son...so what could possibly be different next week, next month, next year?!?!
People say "time heals all wounds"...That is a cliche that I will NEVER say...it's been almost 4 months and the pain is still there, the wounds still feel fresh...nothing really feels any different. In the last 4 months I've learned how to cope. I can go a day or two at a time without falling to complete pieces, but then I do and the cycle starts over. I don't believe these wounds will ever heal...I think that you learn what bandages to use.
I talk to Gabriel a lot...just really hope he can hear me or that God gives him the message cause I need him to know that I love him.
This sucks~
I have nothing new to say today...and I don't most days. Honestly, what else can be said at this point...I'm not bound to discover any answers, not going to rid myself of pain, and definitely not going to stop missing my son...so what could possibly be different next week, next month, next year?!?!
People say "time heals all wounds"...That is a cliche that I will NEVER say...it's been almost 4 months and the pain is still there, the wounds still feel fresh...nothing really feels any different. In the last 4 months I've learned how to cope. I can go a day or two at a time without falling to complete pieces, but then I do and the cycle starts over. I don't believe these wounds will ever heal...I think that you learn what bandages to use.
I talk to Gabriel a lot...just really hope he can hear me or that God gives him the message cause I need him to know that I love him.
This sucks~
Monday, April 1, 2013
Jesus conquered the grave
So yesterday was Easter. It was a little harder than I expected going to church. Another "special" day without our sweet boy. The pastor was using examples of parenting in his sermon and at one point said "if you are a parent raise your hand"...in the context he wanted to know who has experienced what he was talking about...we hadn't and we didn't raise our hands. I wanted to...but didn't because I had no idea about the experiences he was talking about...that broke my heart. Seeing pictures of his son on the screen playing basketball and how he got that love from him etc. was hard...Gabriel we hoped would love soccer or hockey or football like us...we will never get to teach him a love for those things...along with the other million things we will never do with our son.
I heard that the year of firsts is unbearable. We've been through the first Christmas, first New Years, first due date, my birthday, and now Easter all without Gabriel. The coming months will not be easier...Tom's birthday is May 1st which was just days before we had our miscarriage before Gabriel and then Fourth of July when I found out that I was pregnant with Gabriel. The list goes on and on. I miss him every day, but those "special" days are just stabs in the heart.
We came to the lakehouse for Spring Break...a sort of getaway, but the last time we were here I was pregnant. I went to the bathroom when we got here and saw my prenatals laying on the counter and just remembering being here right before Thanksgiving and going to Ohio...just a few weeks before we lost him. It never ends...reminders are everywhere and it all feels wrong. We shouldn't be here right now and able to go for rides on the boat...not yet.
Even Lily is a reminder of what we lost...watching her play with our 1 year old nephew on Easter is heartbreaking...she is supposed to be biting Gabriel's ears and making him giggle etc.
So, we continue to grieve...every moment is a different opportunity that we've missed out on with Gabriel.
Yesterday in celebration of Easter we sang a praise song and one of the lines is "Jesus conquered the grave". That line has more significance to me now. My own mortality has never really come into play with my faith. I knew that I would die one day...didn't really want it to happen, but never really feared it either, just had faith that God was real and one day I would be in Heaven. Now...my faith isn't as child like. Death has far more significance to me...there is more on the line now if God isn't real and there isn't a Heaven. I still believe, but it's challenging sometimes. Hearing that Jesus conquered the grave made me wonder why we have to experience death now...if Jesus conquered it then why do we still have to die to ultimately LIVE. So many questions still unanswered.
I heard that the year of firsts is unbearable. We've been through the first Christmas, first New Years, first due date, my birthday, and now Easter all without Gabriel. The coming months will not be easier...Tom's birthday is May 1st which was just days before we had our miscarriage before Gabriel and then Fourth of July when I found out that I was pregnant with Gabriel. The list goes on and on. I miss him every day, but those "special" days are just stabs in the heart.
We came to the lakehouse for Spring Break...a sort of getaway, but the last time we were here I was pregnant. I went to the bathroom when we got here and saw my prenatals laying on the counter and just remembering being here right before Thanksgiving and going to Ohio...just a few weeks before we lost him. It never ends...reminders are everywhere and it all feels wrong. We shouldn't be here right now and able to go for rides on the boat...not yet.
Even Lily is a reminder of what we lost...watching her play with our 1 year old nephew on Easter is heartbreaking...she is supposed to be biting Gabriel's ears and making him giggle etc.
So, we continue to grieve...every moment is a different opportunity that we've missed out on with Gabriel.
Yesterday in celebration of Easter we sang a praise song and one of the lines is "Jesus conquered the grave". That line has more significance to me now. My own mortality has never really come into play with my faith. I knew that I would die one day...didn't really want it to happen, but never really feared it either, just had faith that God was real and one day I would be in Heaven. Now...my faith isn't as child like. Death has far more significance to me...there is more on the line now if God isn't real and there isn't a Heaven. I still believe, but it's challenging sometimes. Hearing that Jesus conquered the grave made me wonder why we have to experience death now...if Jesus conquered it then why do we still have to die to ultimately LIVE. So many questions still unanswered.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)