The other day as I was driving home there was a storm and a huge dark cloud looming over me dropping buckets of rain. I looked in the distance and could see clear blue skies. It seemed when I looked that it wasn't that far away, but as I drove I never reached the end of the dark cloud...it stayed looming over me. I feel like that dark cloud is following us in life too. The few months after Gabriel passed were very dark days for us. After we passed his due date I was still sad, but able to start looking forward for the first time. A few weeks ago Lily (our sweet puppy) was attacked by another dog and we had a few very scary nights with her. She was one of the few things that kept us going and could make us smile after we lossed Gabriel and here we were in danger of losing her as well. It's been two weeks and she is finally starting to heal, but today came...Mother's Day. My heart aches today as it did almost 5 months ago when we said goodbye. I find it hard to get up some days...especially days like today and function "normally"...I feel like I'm either falling apart or I'm a robot. If I allow myself to actually feel anything then I feel the deep sadness that is always there. So if I want to fuction without melting down then I have to just be numb.
Life will never be the same...life will never be right...and even when we try to focus on moving forward we still can't escape the black cloud looming over us. I pray every day now, but I feel like God has chosen not to hear me...I feel as if he has turned His back on me. People have been kind enough to give us spirtual guidance, but how can we continue to worship a God that continues to fail us. I've been on my knees completely broken and emptied and cried out to God...and either silence or more pain has come our way. I always felt that I had a strong faith, but I think that my faith is hanging on a very thin thread.
I saw someone the other day talk about how when they started tithing at their church that all of these wonderful things started to happen in their life...that God was blessing them for their sacrifice. I spent years in service to God...lived meagerly to work in the church for years...placed my marriage and family before God...and within the first year of our marriage we lost our first baby. I remember thinking did we not pray enough for this baby?!?! So when we got pregnant with Gabriel...we prayed like we've never prayed before...we loved him and would do anything we could for him. I remember many times on my knees holding my belly and asking for God's blessings on Gabriel....Tom laying his hands on my belly praying for our sweet boy...reading our devotional together at night as a "family". I remember starting to feel relaxed in the pregnancy...started to see the clear blue skies ahead...I felt that we were going to be taking Gabriel home and that maybe we learned whatever lesson it was for us to learn with our earlier loss. Then out of nowhere...he was gone. When I started not feeling Gabriel move as much, but his heart was still beating...I remember praying choking back the tears for God to protect Gabriel...days later he no longer had a heartbeat. God had a chance to save my baby, but He didn't. I've tried to think about this in a million different ways, but none of them satisfy my grieving heart.
Everyone says things like "we just don't understand the ways of God"...and that's fine...I don't have to understand why this happened anymore, but what I struggle with now is belief that prayer actually does anything. I've prayed for a lot of things in my life, but none more than my sweet baby. People say all the time that "God answered my prayers!"...did He really? or did something just get better on it's own? If God's purpose was to bring us closer to Him...this did nothing but make me cynical and put a chasm between me and God. Do I continue to pray? Yes, but not with the same heart...not with the heart that used to believe that God was actively involved in my life. Maybe we will reach the clear blue skies and Thank God for His blessings one day, but right now it is really hard to praise Him and thank Him because I feel like He deserted us when we needed Him most.
The other day someone said "God is helping you to move forward"...I wanted to say, but I'm either a zombie or a basket case...I am getting up each day because I have to...we are moving forward because we don't have a choice...if I did have a choice I never would have left the hospital, but held Gabriel in my arms for eternity...God has continued to give us life, but beyond that I'm not sure what God has done for us in the last 5 months...
I'm sure that God can handle my angry rants...and sometimes after I rant in angry I apologize in tears. I need Him in my life, but have doubts that He is or has ever been active in it. I just don't know how to handle this fight within me...fight between faith and doubt, trust and anger...
Right now...I just pray that He please lift this dark cloud from us...that He continue to love my son and let him know that he has a mommy and daddy that love him...is that too much to ask of Him?!?!
Gabriel...mommy misses you every day, but on days like today I get a better understanding of what I am truly missing without you here. I pray that God is taking good care of you and that we will one day be together again...
