It's been almost a month since I last wrote...not sure if anyone reads this, but I do it for my own therapy. It's been almost 6 months since we said goodbye to Gabriel and the pain is still very fresh. I think about him all of the time and one minute I'm fine and the next I want to cry. I don't think that most people really know how broken my heart still is. I feel like a fake with most people. Many mornings I get up for work and melt in the bathroom before getting ready...some mornings it is hard to just pull myself off of the floor, but I do and go to work and go about my business like everything is okay. But it's not okay...I'm not okay. I'm not sure that I'll ever be "right". I feel like even those that know how hard it's been for me judge me to a certain extent. I feel like people expect me to get up, dust myself off and go on...and it's just not that easy. I know some people may think I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself and that's not the case either. I have asked God "why me?"...I've asked that because I felt we did everything right and Gabriel is still not here. We prayed over Gabriel...we did devotions together as a family...and God obviously wasn't listening to my prayers (so it feels). I know many women (some believers and some not) that go about their pregnancies without a care in the world...even to the point of putting their babies in danger because of their stupidity and their babies are here. I think if one more person says we had a lesson to learn etc. I will scream. Why would we have to learn this lesson that so many others don't. I still talk to God, still read my Bible, and will still pray over any future children, but I do still question...a lot.
I have a handful of people in my life that I think see me without a mask. They see my raw pain and are loving me through it...hurting with me. Some don't understand and think I'm wallowing in self-pity because certain situations make me feel uncomfortable. I have decided to resign from teaching. My husband and I have both talked about it and feel that it is the best decision for us right now. I actually had a co-worker tell me the other day that she didn't think it would be good for me because it would lend itself to me being home feeling sorry for myself...ouch. I go to a job that really makes me question God's ultimate plan. I know children that I teach that are in homes where they are not taken care of at best, and some abused etc. and it is difficult to see that women who treat their children like garbage have not one healthy child, but five. They resent their children and they are viewed as problems rather than blessings. So you tell me...why does this woman not have a lesson to learn? Why do these children have to go through this hurt and pain when their are parents out their that would do anything for a healthy baby. It's really hard for me to deal with that on a regular basis. These same people that judge me have no idea that I get in my car at the end of the day and cry...almost every day! Do these same people that think that I'm feeling sorry for myself understand what it is like to talk to a mom on the phone that says things like "I have five children, I don't have time to come in and talk to each of their teachers!" meanwhile their children come to school covered in bruises and can't tell you how they got them. I've dedicated my life to working with children and God takes my baby, but gives this woman five.
I went to watch my husband play soccer one night and was sitting around with some of the other church members watching them play when one of the pregnant wives shows up...instantly there is all kinds of conversation about her baby belly and how adorable she looks etc. They start asking her questions and she talks about her swollen ankles etc. and I just have to leave the situation. Is that feeling sorry for myself because it hurts me to be there. People weren't being insensitive, but in that moment they were focused on her and no one remembered in that moment that I just lost my baby...I don't expect them to, but I do expect people to understand why it's too much for me to be in those kind of situations. They can easily forget about Gabriel while they are rubbing her belly etc., but how could I possibly forget about my son in that moment.
I don't know when I'll be okay with seeing pregnant women, baby strollers, or celebrating birthdays, but right now it's hard...constant reminders of what is missing. It's not that I just don't have a baby...people compare my situation to infertility, but it couldn't be any more different. If we couldn't have a baby I would be sad because I always wanted children, but we would look into adoption or other ways to make that happen. I had a baby....my baby died...it's very different. A friend asked me to read this post by his favorite Christian writer on Mother's Day. I read the title and it said What about the infertile on Mother's Day? I didn't have to read the rest to know that it wasn't meant for me. I am a mother...always will be no matter what the future holds. Gabriel wasn't just a hope for the future, he wasn't a plan that wasn't happening the way that we wanted it to...he was my son...he was a baby that was in my life, a part of me for 7 months and now he is gone. A friend said to me one day...I still see the pain in your eyes...well, that pain will be there for the rest of my life...my life will always have something missing. I know many people can't handle seeing that pain so I continue to put on my mask and go about life to spare them. I hold it together for the sake of others most of the time because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. Is it so bad that there are some days that I just don't want to hold it together...some days I just want to be. If that is feeling sorry for myself, well guess I am.
I am so blessed and so thankful for some of the most amazing relationships that God has blessed me with...some that I took for granted until these last 6 months. These past 6 months have been the most painful of my life and I could not have gotten through them without all of the prayers and support. I am constantly encouraged by those that talk to me about Gabriel on a regular basis...they use his name and remind me that they miss him too and that it is okay for me to hurt. They let me know they are praying for us, encourage me with scripture. I have people in my life that I can just "be" with...that I don't have to wear my mask with. It's draining wearing a mask...wish I didn't have to, but some people can't handle the reality of what is really underneath the surface of people.
I've learned through this tragedy that so many people have hidden pain...they shouldn't have to hide it, but people just don't know how to deal with it so it's easier sometimes. I hope that I've learned to be more understanding and compassionate of other people's struggles...I hope that people don't ever feel like they have to wear a mask around me.
