I'm getting overwhelmed as we approach the one year mark of saying goodbye to our son. The pain hasn't gotten better with time contrary to what everyone said to us then. I do think that I grieve softer now. I get overwhelmed with emotion often, but its more subtle, more controlled now, but definitely not less painful. Sometimes I need to grieve hard...I think its good for my soul to feel it...makes him more real to me. Today I watched his memorial video...I grieved hard. Most of you that still keep up with my blog probably saw this at his memorial service, but I thought I would share it with those of you that weren't there. Just trying to focus on his life...as short as it was...it was life changing...he was life changing. We miss you sweet boy...forever!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SCq5e6CXgk8
Gabriel's Memorial video
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
11 months
Dear Gabriel,
I talk to you often, but today I want to write you a letter...that way you will never forget what I'm about to tell you. Its been one month shy of one year since we said our goodbyes to you. I know that you likely left us a few days before. I often wonder about that exact moment...what I was doing, how you were feeling...the moment you really left us. Its so crazy that I knew you, but never really met you...how many people can say that. I spent 7 months getting to know you, loving you...all the while I never looked into your eyes and saw your precious soul. We saw your body...your temporary dwelling...you were a beautiful baby and oh how I wish I could see you grow up. We knew though when we saw you that the "real" you was no longer there, yet saying goodbye to your body was final.
Its been a tough 11 months sweetheart and I've missed you every minute of every day. The tears are fewer these days, but my thoughts and my love are just as strong as they were. I'm learning how to live here with you in Heaven. I feel like I went to Vegas and put absolutely everything I have on one bet...that God is real and you are with Him. I have to believe it because I don't know how I could get through the days without knowing I would get to meet the sweet soul I grew to know and love. I can't wait until that day Gabriel!
The main reason I'm writing to you is because I need you to know something. I'm sure I've shared this before, but now that Thanksgiving is approaching I need you to know that I'm thankful for you. Your short life had such great purpose! I thought I knew what love was until you came into our lives. From the moment I saw the positive sign I was in love. That love grew each day as I learned or experienced something new. I still remember your second ultrasound like it was yesterday. I wasn't feeling you move yet, but watching your arms and legs move on the screen was unreal...we saw the life that was growing within me...we saw a little miracle that day and fell even more in love. That love grew as you kept me awake in the wee hours kicking me. And grew even more as your daddy would touch my tummy and talk to you. Gabriel, we wanted you here...we wanted you in our arms...we didn't get a choice in how you left us. I would change it if I could, but since I can't you need to know that I love you like I will love no other...you my sweet boy have a piece of my heart...hold it tight and you can give it back to me when we meet :)
You taught me about unconditional love. You didn't have to DO anything...just be my son...which you did well. The hopes and dreams we had for you are gone, but I'm learning that I need to focus on those months we had WITH you and not without you.
I'm not sure if you see me or hear me, but if you do then I'm sure you know that you will forever be a part of this family. Whether you will have more brothers or sisters we don't know, but we will always rejoice in the fact that we have you.
I miss you so much, but I can't imagine my life with you not in it...the pain in missing you is worth every tear for the moments we shared with you...for the love that you gave us.
Until we "meet" my sweet boy know your mommy and daddy love you with every ounce of their souls...
I talk to you often, but today I want to write you a letter...that way you will never forget what I'm about to tell you. Its been one month shy of one year since we said our goodbyes to you. I know that you likely left us a few days before. I often wonder about that exact moment...what I was doing, how you were feeling...the moment you really left us. Its so crazy that I knew you, but never really met you...how many people can say that. I spent 7 months getting to know you, loving you...all the while I never looked into your eyes and saw your precious soul. We saw your body...your temporary dwelling...you were a beautiful baby and oh how I wish I could see you grow up. We knew though when we saw you that the "real" you was no longer there, yet saying goodbye to your body was final.
Its been a tough 11 months sweetheart and I've missed you every minute of every day. The tears are fewer these days, but my thoughts and my love are just as strong as they were. I'm learning how to live here with you in Heaven. I feel like I went to Vegas and put absolutely everything I have on one bet...that God is real and you are with Him. I have to believe it because I don't know how I could get through the days without knowing I would get to meet the sweet soul I grew to know and love. I can't wait until that day Gabriel!
The main reason I'm writing to you is because I need you to know something. I'm sure I've shared this before, but now that Thanksgiving is approaching I need you to know that I'm thankful for you. Your short life had such great purpose! I thought I knew what love was until you came into our lives. From the moment I saw the positive sign I was in love. That love grew each day as I learned or experienced something new. I still remember your second ultrasound like it was yesterday. I wasn't feeling you move yet, but watching your arms and legs move on the screen was unreal...we saw the life that was growing within me...we saw a little miracle that day and fell even more in love. That love grew as you kept me awake in the wee hours kicking me. And grew even more as your daddy would touch my tummy and talk to you. Gabriel, we wanted you here...we wanted you in our arms...we didn't get a choice in how you left us. I would change it if I could, but since I can't you need to know that I love you like I will love no other...you my sweet boy have a piece of my heart...hold it tight and you can give it back to me when we meet :)
You taught me about unconditional love. You didn't have to DO anything...just be my son...which you did well. The hopes and dreams we had for you are gone, but I'm learning that I need to focus on those months we had WITH you and not without you.
I'm not sure if you see me or hear me, but if you do then I'm sure you know that you will forever be a part of this family. Whether you will have more brothers or sisters we don't know, but we will always rejoice in the fact that we have you.
I miss you so much, but I can't imagine my life with you not in it...the pain in missing you is worth every tear for the moments we shared with you...for the love that you gave us.
Until we "meet" my sweet boy know your mommy and daddy love you with every ounce of their souls...
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