I've heard of the book and movie "Heaven is for Real" based on the true story of a little boy that survived an emergency appendectomy. I haven't brought myself to watch the movie, but heard there is a scene where the little boy talks about meeting his sister in heaven (a miscarriage that he apparently didn't know about). I saw the clip today which of course made me cry. I hope with everything that I have that heaven is indeed for real and our babies are there waiting on us. I was thinking...if heaven is for real we will have one heck of a family reunion...thinking of seeing Gabriel again and meeting all of his siblings...well, that's what keeps me going...keeps me believing.
http://ns2.aceshowbiz.com/video/download/00053565/
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
stages of grief
I was reading an article that talked about the stages of grief...we've all heard them: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The idea that all people (who are unique) follow this same pattern of grief is rather absurd. Yes, I have felt a wide range of emotions, but often within the same day or even the same moment...some I haven't really felt at all and some I feel more often than others. I don't know if I ever really felt denial...I remember the first few months felt like a nightmare and that I would wake from it at any moment...I remember waking up several times thinking I was still pregnant and relived the agony that he was gone over and over again those first few waking seconds. I'm not sure that it was denial, but it just didn't seem real. I've gone back and forth between anger and depression for most of this last year and a half...and I like I said I can feel both in the same moment. The only time I felt I was bargaining with God were the two times I was pregnant after we lost Gabriel. I felt that we had already been through so much that we "deserved" some joy in our lives (knowing full well that isn't how it works). I remember prayers to God that were more like begging and promising that I would do anything if He would only save my baby. I don't bargain with God anymore...I believe that some awful things have happened in our lives, but I don't believe they were orchestrated by God. I have asked that God intervene in our lives...make himself known, but its not conditional.
Acceptance however is a place I don't think I'll ever come to...I'll never be okay with the fact that my son is gone...I'll never accept that I never got to spend one minute holding my son while he was alive. I'll never accept that I never got the opportunity to watch him grow up, smile, laugh, comfort him, etc. I'm learning how to move forward...learning how to manage the sadness and the anger...that doesn't mean I accept what happened. I also don't believe there is an end to the grief journey...I believe I will wrestle with these emotions for the rest of my life. I mean how can I ever think of my son and truly be okay that he is not here?!?!?
I'm thankful to have loving and patient friends in my life...I know I'm not the easiest to love on these days, but I feel so loved by so many. I still get caught up on those that weren't there for us, those that didn't support us, but my counselor kindly reminds me that I need to let those people go. It's hard because while I forgive them, I know I could never depend on them or trust them...how can you have a REAL relationship with someone that you know won't be there when it matters most? Well, you can't. So, we are focusing our time and energy on the people that have been there for us because right now we need strength from others to help us move forward.
I'm not done being angry...I'm not done being sad...I doubt I'll ever accept what happened, but I am working towards moving forward...living in the present and planning for the future...but I can NEVER let go of the past because the past holds the most precious gifts.
Acceptance however is a place I don't think I'll ever come to...I'll never be okay with the fact that my son is gone...I'll never accept that I never got to spend one minute holding my son while he was alive. I'll never accept that I never got the opportunity to watch him grow up, smile, laugh, comfort him, etc. I'm learning how to move forward...learning how to manage the sadness and the anger...that doesn't mean I accept what happened. I also don't believe there is an end to the grief journey...I believe I will wrestle with these emotions for the rest of my life. I mean how can I ever think of my son and truly be okay that he is not here?!?!?
I'm thankful to have loving and patient friends in my life...I know I'm not the easiest to love on these days, but I feel so loved by so many. I still get caught up on those that weren't there for us, those that didn't support us, but my counselor kindly reminds me that I need to let those people go. It's hard because while I forgive them, I know I could never depend on them or trust them...how can you have a REAL relationship with someone that you know won't be there when it matters most? Well, you can't. So, we are focusing our time and energy on the people that have been there for us because right now we need strength from others to help us move forward.
I'm not done being angry...I'm not done being sad...I doubt I'll ever accept what happened, but I am working towards moving forward...living in the present and planning for the future...but I can NEVER let go of the past because the past holds the most precious gifts.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
the ugly truth
Some people can't handle the truth...the ugly truth about living life after baby loss. I keep a lot to myself because the judgment of others only causes more pain so I would rather keep some things to myself. I've realized though that those that have walked this road before me also kept things to themselves and it hasn't helped "break the silence" so I wanted to share some hard truths tonight.
There is one thing that people say that makes me incredibly angry...if you have enough faith, eat right, exercise, go counseling etc. you can manage your depression. Anyone that has truly lived in the depths of despair wouldn't dare utter those things to another human being. Anyone that can say those things has never really lived depression or anxiety. I have done all of those things, tried everything imaginable and most days it seems impossible to escape the darkness. Most people don't know that in the months following Gabriel's death that I had to take medication to help me sleep. I say had to because I tried so hard not to...I felt that taking something admitted that my faith was weak. I would have night after night of either not sleeping or falling asleep bawling only to wake up a few hours later staring at darkness in complete and total fear and sadness. This led to days filled with tears and anxiety and it was a viscious cycle. The nights that I took sleeping pills I actually slept through the night and was better equipped to manage a new day. I thankfully only needed them for a few months after he died. I still have sleepless nights and night terrors, but fewer and fewer.
In January after our last miscarriage I ended up with some health issues and soon after Tom had some health issues too. We realized through all of our losses and own scary health problems that life was very fragile. We both struggled with our anxiety. I remembered so many nights lying in bed in complete fear...believing that if I fell asleep that I wasn't going to wake up...to the point that I wrote letters to my husband to read in the event of my death because I was so certain I wasn't going to live another day. I also remember a few of his trips where he was traveling for work where I was in complete panic until I got word from him that his plane was on the ground. It is a very hard place to live...please never judge someone who has had to take depression, anxiety, or sleeping meds!!!
One of the moms in my loss group was struggling deeply with depression after losing her daughter. She said that her family was very anti medicine and tried convincing her to manage her depression naturally. She saw a holistic doctor and nutritionist, did yoga, went to counseling, prayed...she would come to our forum to tell us how none of it was working and she felt like a failure which only compounded her depression. She tried committing suicide one night and thankfully was unsuccessful, but was admitted for psychiatric care. This was several months ago, but recently she posted about how much better she was doing on medication and that she was able to manage her life a bit better. Thankfully, her story is not mine, but I completely understand her turmoil. She wanted so desperately to "fix" her broken self and tried doing everything that everyone threw at her and when it didn't work she felt guilt and shame.
I've been a Christian a long time and I've struggled with my faith from time to time, but never anything like this last year and a half. After all that we've been through...I still believe in God. For anyone to insinuate that to continue to struggle through it shows a lack of faith has obviously never walked this ugly road.
Thankfully, we have some amazing people in our lives that continue to support us, but I know how difficult this road has been for so many other loss families and how much harder others make the journey for them.
Its hard to admit that you can't handle things on your own...its hard to admit that as much as you pray you still dont have the strength to start a new day sometimes...its hard to admit that sometimes you have to sleep until noon for the day to be shorter...its hard to admit that sometimes you need clinical help...so for all the things that are hard please be something that is easy for someone going through loss to handle.
There is one thing that people say that makes me incredibly angry...if you have enough faith, eat right, exercise, go counseling etc. you can manage your depression. Anyone that has truly lived in the depths of despair wouldn't dare utter those things to another human being. Anyone that can say those things has never really lived depression or anxiety. I have done all of those things, tried everything imaginable and most days it seems impossible to escape the darkness. Most people don't know that in the months following Gabriel's death that I had to take medication to help me sleep. I say had to because I tried so hard not to...I felt that taking something admitted that my faith was weak. I would have night after night of either not sleeping or falling asleep bawling only to wake up a few hours later staring at darkness in complete and total fear and sadness. This led to days filled with tears and anxiety and it was a viscious cycle. The nights that I took sleeping pills I actually slept through the night and was better equipped to manage a new day. I thankfully only needed them for a few months after he died. I still have sleepless nights and night terrors, but fewer and fewer.
In January after our last miscarriage I ended up with some health issues and soon after Tom had some health issues too. We realized through all of our losses and own scary health problems that life was very fragile. We both struggled with our anxiety. I remembered so many nights lying in bed in complete fear...believing that if I fell asleep that I wasn't going to wake up...to the point that I wrote letters to my husband to read in the event of my death because I was so certain I wasn't going to live another day. I also remember a few of his trips where he was traveling for work where I was in complete panic until I got word from him that his plane was on the ground. It is a very hard place to live...please never judge someone who has had to take depression, anxiety, or sleeping meds!!!
One of the moms in my loss group was struggling deeply with depression after losing her daughter. She said that her family was very anti medicine and tried convincing her to manage her depression naturally. She saw a holistic doctor and nutritionist, did yoga, went to counseling, prayed...she would come to our forum to tell us how none of it was working and she felt like a failure which only compounded her depression. She tried committing suicide one night and thankfully was unsuccessful, but was admitted for psychiatric care. This was several months ago, but recently she posted about how much better she was doing on medication and that she was able to manage her life a bit better. Thankfully, her story is not mine, but I completely understand her turmoil. She wanted so desperately to "fix" her broken self and tried doing everything that everyone threw at her and when it didn't work she felt guilt and shame.
I've been a Christian a long time and I've struggled with my faith from time to time, but never anything like this last year and a half. After all that we've been through...I still believe in God. For anyone to insinuate that to continue to struggle through it shows a lack of faith has obviously never walked this ugly road.
Thankfully, we have some amazing people in our lives that continue to support us, but I know how difficult this road has been for so many other loss families and how much harder others make the journey for them.
Its hard to admit that you can't handle things on your own...its hard to admit that as much as you pray you still dont have the strength to start a new day sometimes...its hard to admit that sometimes you have to sleep until noon for the day to be shorter...its hard to admit that sometimes you need clinical help...so for all the things that are hard please be something that is easy for someone going through loss to handle.
Friday, July 4, 2014
time goes on while our life stands still
Today is the 4th of July. Today is another heartbreaking reminder. Obviously days like Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc. are hard for baby loss families, but there isn't a month/special occasion that hasn't been changed to a day of sadness for us. I think that is one thing most people don't understand...that everything links to sadness for us. Valentine's Day was the due date of our baby we lost after Gabriel, Tom's birthday was when we had our miscarriage before Gabriel, our anniversary is just a few days before our last baby's due date...and believe me I can go on and on! When you think of all of the dates we found out, lost or were due with one of our babies, well...just about every month has a reminder of something sad. Every special occasion has a bit of sadness.
On July 3rd two years ago I took a pregnancy test...it was barely positive...so I took another on the 4th and it was a nice strong line...I was pregnant again (with Gabriel). We were scared because we already had experience with loss at that point, but we were hopeful and excited. We had friends up to our lake house and I remember how hard it was to keep our wonderful little secret from them. They brought wine and thought I was a dead giveaway when I didn't have a glass. I remember laughing with them months later when we announced our good news. 2 years ago today was one of the happiest times in our lives, but as I sit here at our lake house with empty arms for another year...even the memories of happy times are tainted with sadness. I don't think people can comprehend what its like to only have memories that contain sadness and to not have anything to look forward to this side of heaven.
We are merely surviving while time marches on for everyone else. Its like watching a movie of everyone else's lives while we sit still...day after day. We watch others rejoice and build memories and beautiful experiences. We try to find joy...we try to force good days, but everything is tainted in sadness. We are selling our lake home...and tonight we spent our last 4th on the water watching the fireworks. It was beautiful, but as I watched I fought the tears thinking of what should be. I can't believe two years have gone by...I see other's children grow up and celebrate birthdays, watch friend after friend get pregnant and add to their families...meanwhile we sit by and watch...mere observers and not active participators in life.
We still smile, we still laugh, but with every grin and chuckle there are tears ready to drop and we are not all present in any experience because part of us still resides in December 2012. I wish it was different... I want it to be different and if I could will us out of sadness I would, but I can't, so we sit...and watch...and pray that we can one day find a way to live again.
On July 3rd two years ago I took a pregnancy test...it was barely positive...so I took another on the 4th and it was a nice strong line...I was pregnant again (with Gabriel). We were scared because we already had experience with loss at that point, but we were hopeful and excited. We had friends up to our lake house and I remember how hard it was to keep our wonderful little secret from them. They brought wine and thought I was a dead giveaway when I didn't have a glass. I remember laughing with them months later when we announced our good news. 2 years ago today was one of the happiest times in our lives, but as I sit here at our lake house with empty arms for another year...even the memories of happy times are tainted with sadness. I don't think people can comprehend what its like to only have memories that contain sadness and to not have anything to look forward to this side of heaven.
We are merely surviving while time marches on for everyone else. Its like watching a movie of everyone else's lives while we sit still...day after day. We watch others rejoice and build memories and beautiful experiences. We try to find joy...we try to force good days, but everything is tainted in sadness. We are selling our lake home...and tonight we spent our last 4th on the water watching the fireworks. It was beautiful, but as I watched I fought the tears thinking of what should be. I can't believe two years have gone by...I see other's children grow up and celebrate birthdays, watch friend after friend get pregnant and add to their families...meanwhile we sit by and watch...mere observers and not active participators in life.
We still smile, we still laugh, but with every grin and chuckle there are tears ready to drop and we are not all present in any experience because part of us still resides in December 2012. I wish it was different... I want it to be different and if I could will us out of sadness I would, but I can't, so we sit...and watch...and pray that we can one day find a way to live again.
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