Monday, December 22, 2014

December

When I turn on the radio and hear Christmas songs declaring it's "the most wonderful time of the year"...all I can think is that they obviously haven't walked in our shoes.  With Gabriel's birthday being one week before Christmas it makes the holidays doublely hard.  This month is filled with more " what ifs" than any other.  On Gabriel's 2nd birthday all I could think about was...a two year old...we should have a two year old running around.  We should be visiting Santa, decorating cookies and reading the Christmas story together. Things should be so very different, but they are not.

Last year we chose to escape December by going to Europe...we distracted ourselves with the Alps, Christmas markets, and castles.  At the end of the day...we couldn't escape the fact that Gabriel wasn't with us.  This year we have tried not to escape, but to embrace.  In everything we do to embrace the holiday we are reminded that Gabriel is not here...he isn't here to help decorate, he isn't here to help wrap presents, and he isn't here to sing Christmas songs declaring it's "the most wonderful time of the year".

Last year we found out we were pregnant right before we went to Europe only to find out in January that we lost another baby.  I had hoped that this December would be different, but this December brought us our 5th loss.  Another reason why this is far from "the most wonderful time of the year"!  So as everyone around us celebrates...we will celebrate too, but with great sadness behind our smiles.  I pray that we will experience a December that has more joy than sadnesss, but until then...we will continue to celebrate with broken hearts.

Gabriel, I miss you and dream of a day that we can see your smile...and that we can smile without the hurt.  Merry Christmas in Heaven little buddy!!!