my baby's silent birth

After experiencing another miscarriage it's brought up a lot of unresolved pain from losing Gabriel.  I'm still trying to work through it all.  One of the most difficult things about stillbirth is that the world doesn't treat it as a child loss, but rather pregnancy loss. If I had a baby that died at 2 months then people have had an opportunity to see the baby, hold the baby, hear its cry, look into its eyes.  When that baby dies others feel the loss as well...not just the parents...they saw and held a REAL baby and that baby is gone.  Everyone grieves the loss of a baby that was here and everyone treats the parents as if they lost a child.  For us,  we went into the hospital and I was pregnant and we left and I was not pregnant....I lost a pregnancy...at least that is how most people view it and make me feel.  I really want to break the silence of stillbirth and let the world know we lost a baby that day and not just a baby but a baby that we grew to know and love...we lost our child that day. That's a lot of what this blog is about.  I know that everyone didn't come to know and love Gabriel like we did...of course not we are his parents, but if I can get others to understand the difference between pregnancy loss and child loss and that we in fact lost our child...I think would not only help me in the healing process but maybe even help other poor souls that experience this same tragedy.

I may have mentioned this before but its a great example of how people didn't equate our loss with a child loss.  We lost Gabriel the week before Christmas and the week following Christmas school was on break.  I remember getting an email that week which was less than two weeks after losing Gabriel and in it someone assumed I would be going back to work at the end of break...just a little over 2 weeks after saying goodbye to my son.  Not only did I go through labor and delivery just like every other mom but I also lost my baby...I thought it was odd that someone thought that after 2 weeks I should or would be ready to go back to my job, but I realized then that they didn't think about me losing my baby that day...they viewed it as a pregnancy loss.  I received so many resources from people about pregnancy loss and miscarriage and it was hard to swallow at times because while pregnancy loss is difficult its not the same as kissing the face of your sweet angel.  I remember talking to a friend and she didn't realize that I had to go through labor and delivery.  I'm sure most people don't give it much thought...they just think they lost their baby and the how doesn't seem to enter into people's thoughts.  Anyway, I can talk about my feelings all day and those that didn't get it before still won't get it.  So I thought the best way for people to understand or "get it" is to talk about Gabriel and talk about his birth.

Gabriel was a very active boy in my womb...lots of kicking and punching and I loved every second of it.  I remember having to get up in the middle of the night almost every night to go to the bathroom and when I laid back down Gabriel thought it was time to wake up.  Kicking and punching and rolling at 3a.m. I knew we would have our hands full.  My two favorite times of the day were after school on my drive home and at night laying in bed at the end of the day.  Gabriel was super active during those times and I embraced every second of it.  Tom would lay his hands on my stomach as we read to Gabriel each night...our family time was so precious to me.  We always used his name when we talked to him and we told him all about the wonderful things that would be here when he arrived.  We talked to him about his puppy dog and how he would love growing up with Lily and all the wonderful things we would be doing together as a family.  I sang to Gabriel in the car as I would feel him kick.  We were connected...we had already started bonding with our son.

One day came that Gabriel wasn't his active self.  A momma knows her baby and I should have trusted my instincts.  I heard his heartbeat on my Doppler and called the doc who assured me everything was fine and that it was normal to not have consistent movement before 28 weeks. So the days went by and I would feel an occasional kick or turn, but he just wasn't active like he was before.  Then the day came and I didn't feel him move all day.  I got out my Doppler and no heartbeat...I just hoped he was in a weird position and tried it again later but still no heartbeat which was confirmed at the hospital.  I remember them looking with the Doppler and then saying they needed to do an ultrasound.  During the ultrasound they were trying to get Tom to fill out paperwork...and I remember grabbing his hand because although no one said anything yet I saw them all huddled around the screen and on the screen was my baby...perfectly still.

The doctor confirmed Gabriels heart had stopped and I was taken to another room where I was eventually induced. This was on Sunday afternoon and I didn't deliver Gabriel until almost midnight on Monday...the most grueling 36 + hours of my life. I had an epidural pretty early on because we did an amnio and quite frankly the emotional pain was more than I could bear at that point.  I remember periods of bawling and periods of complete stillness...still not grasping that my baby was gone.  I remember when it was time to deliver...I was terrified... not of pain like most woman during childbirth are, but I knew once I delivered...it was over...that we would hold him etc. but the goodbye would be final.

I remember during delivery Tom holding me tight and telling me to just look at him.  He was my rock at that moment although I knew deep down he had no real strength left either. I hadn't had my childbirth classes yet so I wasn't quite sure how and when to push, but again Tom was my support. They asked us prior to delivery what we wanted to do and there was no doubt that we wanted to hold our baby.  I know it is a hard decision for some couples but I couldn't imagine not seeing him, touching him.  I have to admit though that I did have a moment of fear in the seconds between delivering him and the doctor placing him in my arms.  I was afraid that maybe he wouldn't look "normal" and just not knowing what to expect.  The second he placed Gabriel in my arms I looked at my son and he looked like a beautiful sleeping baby that would wake up at any second...no more fear...only love at that moment. I first noticed his bright red pouty lips.  Next I noticed his dark wavy hair...he didn't have a lot of hair but what he had was obviously mine.  I remember looking at each and every feature and knowing immediately who it belonged to.  He had giant ear lobes that he certainly didn't get from me.  I think about his feet a lot.  I remember seeing that big toe that was slightly separated from the other toes and looked just like Tom's...just miniature.  I'm not sure why, but I remember looking at his feet for a long time.  I've always loved baby feet and these were MY baby's feet!  I also remember Tom holding him...the way he held him was exactly how I imagined.  I didn't want to forget a single thing.  I held his hand in my hand and knew that it was going to be impossible to say goodbye. I sang to him, Tom read to him. They took pictures, weighed and measured Gabriel and gave him back to me and said "whenever you're ready"...when would I ever be ready.  Handing him over to the nurse was heartbreaking...as she walked out the door knowing I would never see him again.

The next day we left the hospital... they wheeled me out to the car and my arms never felt so empty.  I lost my baby that day...not a pregnancy.

We never heard our baby cry...the room was silent that day, but that doesn't make our son any less real.

I know this may be hard for some to read, but I think it was important for me to share what I could about our baby.  It was obvious that I lost my enormous pregnant belly...but I think not as obvious to some that we lost a child.

I'd give anything to know what his giggles would sound like, how he would look at me, or feel his hand close around my finger.  But because I don't doesn't make our loss less real.

I miss my son...it helps to remember him, talk about him.  He is no longer here, but is so very real in my heart.

Storm

The lyrics to this song by Lifehouse couldn't be more true for where I am right now.  Life is just survival now and its getting harder and harder to tread.  If only I could see God right now or He could show me He cares about what we're going through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srw5jqLUYKE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

sometimes there are no answers

It's been a month since my last post and as I read over my recent posts I can tell that I was in the anger phase of the grief process.  This past month has been an emotional roller coaster.  Most of you that read this blog probably already know that we are losing another baby.  I found out I was pregnant again about 5 weeks ago.  We thought that maybe we had a reason to be happy again...something to be joyful about.  All of my initial bloodwork was good and everything seemed to be headed in a positive direction so we felt like we could actually be excited about this new life coming into our life.  We had our first ultrasound and all that was seen was an empty sac and I was measuring behind.  We  began to grieve our loss because I knew my dates were spot on and I didn't see a lot of hope.  I felt like we had hit rock bottom...I prayed...I prayed that God would save this pregnancy, but at the same time I knew that I didn't want to lose another baby so I prayed that if this pregnancy wasn't meant to be that He take it now because I couldn't go through the turmoil of seeing a baby and then losing it.  So our next scan was only 5 days later and we miraculously saw 6 days of growth and inside the sac was a fetal pole...the sac was no longer empty and although there was no heartbeat yet I felt that God heard my prayers and that He was stepping in.  So we had to wait for another week for our next ultrasound and although I knew that this didn't fit any textbook pregnancy I believed that God would show us a miracle.  We went in knowing that things could go bad, but believing that God would show Himself.  Not only was there no heartbeat, there was no growth since our last scan.  So now we wait to miscarry again.  I'm not sure what to think of God right now...why allow me to keep getting pregnant if it's not meant to be.  Why did he allow us to see a baby at the last scan and then take it away. 

The cruelest part of this experience is that I'm likely miscarrying due to a chromosome problem...but we had Gabriel here for 27 weeks that was normally developing and we lost him for a completely different reason.  So we got lucky with Gabriel...perfect little embryo that grew and developed into a beautiful baby...but then he didn't get to come home with us.  How unlucky can two people get.  Our miscarriages completely unrelated to Gabriel and yet we lost them all.  It's not about what is fair or right or what we deserve or don't deserve...It feels as if God is just being cruel to us at this point...for what purpose?  I don't want to hear another person say it's part of some grand plan that God has for us...because whatever the future holds for us there had to of been another way...a less painful way.  If God wants us to adopt then why let us get pregnant over and over again...and why let us carry a baby to the point that he could have lived outside of my womb and then take him? 

It's hard not to be angry...and no I don't just accept "God's plan" and know that there is joy in the suffering like I've been told.  There has been no joy in our suffering and just as we had a glimpse that God would maybe spare us from more pain...He did not.  Why would God want His children to develop hard hearts?  I've given my life to further His Kingdom...I've worked in children's homes, helped planted churches etc. all for little to no money.  I scraped by for years to give of my time to do His work.  Some of you knew me when I worked 2 jobs so that I could afford to work for the church for free.  I taught children about God's unfailing love...and now I sit here questioning the years that I devoted to Him because I feel far from loved right now. 

I still believe in God...just don't feel like I don't really know who He is anymore...the things that I thought I knew about God just don't seem to fit the reality that we are living.

I miss my son...I miss him as much today as the day before and the day we lost him.  People say it gets better in time...but it's not true because love and pain are intertwined...I don't love him any less so why would I hurt any less?!?!  You learn how to cope, you learn how to manage...but the pain never leaves.  I have a lot of questions for God...just wish that He could answer some while here on earth.  I don't really want to hear the old cliches anymore...I don't want to here about God's plan for my life...I definitely don't want to hear about joy in the suffering.  Maybe one day it will become clear to me and I can look back and read these entries and say "If I only knew what I know now"...but until then...let me be angry...let me be sad...let me question God...let me do these things without feeling like less of a Christian or that my faith isn't strong enough.  Because I believed...I believed that God could do something amazing in our life and He didn't...

I appreciate all of the beautiful messages and emails that I received from my prayer warriors yesterday...I am thankful that there are some amazing people in our life that are praying for us when we just can't...and I am thankful for those that understand that sometimes there are no answers and don't try to say things to just make me feel better...because there are no words that can possibly answer the pain that I feel.