Smiles only, no dumping!!!

Anyone, who follows my blog knows what a difficult last few years we've had with 5 losses including losing Gabriel.  In that time I've been amazed at the love and support we've received from so many...even more amazed at the amount of people I didn't know or barely knew that reached out and continue to reach out to us.  Just in the month of December we received several cards in remembrance of Gabriel's birthday, donations to charities in his memory, and thoughtful gifts of ornaments, bracelets and momentos all honoring Gabriel (and our other lost babies).  But, for some reason all of my energy and focus goes on the one person who continues to hurt me. 

We've had a few people in our life that haven't reached out over the last few years and at first my feelings were hurt, but then I remember that it really is difficult to reach out to hurting people.  I tried to make it easier for others to know what to say or do by writing in my blog.  I've had several people thank me for the ideas because you encounter hurting people all of the time and many people want to do something, but don't know what to do.  So I know that there are many people in my life that likely wanted to say or do something, but either couldn't muster the courage to or didn't know how to.   I hope that those reading my blog now will have the courage to reach out to other loss families in the future.  It makes me feel good to think that Gabriel's life continues to make a difference.  

As baby loss parents we've learned the hard way how fragile life is...one of the most difficult things in life after loss is not waiting for the other shoe to drop...not waiting for the phone call that will bring you to your knees...not waiting for your nightmares to become a reality.  As baby loss parents we are fragile.  I know I've said it before, but I think this is one of the most important things for people to understand.  It doesn't take much to cause us to crumble.  So please, be gentle with loss families.  People going through grief don't need you to dump on them.  I saw this graph shortly after Gabriel died and thought to myself "How absurd, no one would dump on a grieving person would they?".  Sadly I know the answer to that question is yes.  I know that I am passionate about baby loss and I know that I am brutally honest on public forums when it comes to that topic and I know that it may rub someone the wrong way that thinks differently than I do, but in my wildest dreams I never expected to be ripped apart for something I strongly believe in and talked to so disrespectfully.  Anyway, I remembered this graph and thought I would share.

Basically this just means that the people in the inner circle are the closest to the grief and as the circles go out the farther away from the grief you are.  The idea is here that you always comfort in and dump out.  Sounds simple right?  It doesn't mean you always have to see eye to eye with someone...it means if you have something other than comfort than it needs to go out NOT in.  It also doesn't mean you can't constructively share your concerns or frustrations...just don't do it on the people in the center. 

My day yesterday was consumed with hurt, anger, and frustration over mere insensitive words from ONE person.  I felt as if I was being kicked in the gut when I was already down.  It took every bit of strength that I had and the rest from God to just manage through the month of December.  Gabriel's birthday, another miscarriage and then Christmas.  I felt as if I was just beginning to put one foot in front of the other again this month when WHAM I was hit with some very harsh words.  Only words, but like I said it doesn't take much to bring a loss momma to her knees again.  Right now, we need support...if you don't want to be in our corner, that's fine, but please don't be the person to kick us while we are down.  My first reaction was anger...to want to lash back....my next reaction was deep sadness because on top of the pain of our losses now we have to figure out how to deal with  broken relationships.  This lead me back to anger because I didn't understand why someone would want to create more heartache for me right now.  The whole day I tried to let it go and give it to God, but I struggled...badly.  My heart was heavy.  I thought it was important for me to share this graph so others can understand the importance of not dumping your stuff of those grieving because whatever you got going on, I can guarantee that they have way more pressing on their hearts and minds.  

Today Tom and I went to help a couple in our small group move.  No extra special day, but lots of smiling, giving, loving faces.  No one that wanted to dump their stuff on me...just people lifting heavy furniture with love and smiles.  The whole morning we laughed and smiled as we carried boxes and not once did I think of the person that hurt me.  This morning I felt normal again because I was around people that genuinely love each other with the love of Christ.  I read the quote above this evening and I thought that it was perfect for my last two days.  I am incredibly grateful for the beautiful people in my life that continually make me smile even with a hurting heart. I am incredibly grateful for my husband that loves me, supports me, and knows exactly what to do and say to cheer me up even when others try to break me.  

a new year

Most people believe a new year is supposed to bring new hope, new goals, and a fresh start.  I wish I could believe the same.  2012 was a horrid year...a miscarriage in May right before we got pregnant with Gabriel and of course the year ending with Gabriel's passing.  We tried hard to believe that 2013 was going to be a different year, but with the first try since Gabriel died ending in miscarriage over that summer...it was hard to believe in new hope, but we ended the year with a new pregnancy.  2014 began and we held onto hope that that pregnancy was going to be the one, but shortly after the new year began we learned we lost yet another baby.  2014 was definitely not for us because we lost our baby in January and yet another just this December shortly before Christmas...a year bookended by loss.   So just a few weeks out from our last loss it's hard to imagine a year that isn't filled with loss, heartache, disappointment, fear, sadness, and anger because that's what we've known for 3 years.

I know that some people in our life are over the whole season of grief we've been in and believe me I wish I could escape it too.  We mourn Gabriel's loss every day...it's different now than it was, but we still feel the impact of his loss daily.  The pain of his loss is compounded though by every other difficulty we have faced since then.  So, something that may make someone else just miss a step...well, that same thing can bring us to our knees. Many people don't get that...we feel so fragile...less fragile than last year, but we've learned the hard way that your life can change dramatically in just a moment...in the amount of time it takes to hear the words "there's no heartbeat". Our innocence is lost...carefree isn't in our vocabulary anymore.

So while we have new goals, new hopes and dreams of a fresh start for a new year...we face the reality that most likely we will not have a baby in our home this year...in which case the only thing we have control over is our attitude and the way we face our circumstances.  Thankfully, I am truly blessed with the most amazing and supportive husband.  We love our little family with the sweetest puppy dog in the world.  We also have an incredible church family that has immersed us in prayer and support.  We love the life we have...there is just a gaping hole in it.  So as we continue to heal, our hope for this new year is that God gives us the peace and strength we need to face each new day!

December

When I turn on the radio and hear Christmas songs declaring it's "the most wonderful time of the year"...all I can think is that they obviously haven't walked in our shoes.  With Gabriel's birthday being one week before Christmas it makes the holidays doublely hard.  This month is filled with more " what ifs" than any other.  On Gabriel's 2nd birthday all I could think about was...a two year old...we should have a two year old running around.  We should be visiting Santa, decorating cookies and reading the Christmas story together. Things should be so very different, but they are not.

Last year we chose to escape December by going to Europe...we distracted ourselves with the Alps, Christmas markets, and castles.  At the end of the day...we couldn't escape the fact that Gabriel wasn't with us.  This year we have tried not to escape, but to embrace.  In everything we do to embrace the holiday we are reminded that Gabriel is not here...he isn't here to help decorate, he isn't here to help wrap presents, and he isn't here to sing Christmas songs declaring it's "the most wonderful time of the year".

Last year we found out we were pregnant right before we went to Europe only to find out in January that we lost another baby.  I had hoped that this December would be different, but this December brought us our 5th loss.  Another reason why this is far from "the most wonderful time of the year"!  So as everyone around us celebrates...we will celebrate too, but with great sadness behind our smiles.  I pray that we will experience a December that has more joy than sadnesss, but until then...we will continue to celebrate with broken hearts.

Gabriel, I miss you and dream of a day that we can see your smile...and that we can smile without the hurt.  Merry Christmas in Heaven little buddy!!!

family reunion

I've heard of the book and movie "Heaven is for Real" based on the true story of a little boy that survived an emergency appendectomy.  I haven't brought myself to watch the movie, but heard there is a scene where the little boy talks about meeting his sister in heaven (a miscarriage that he apparently didn't know about).  I saw the clip today which of course made me cry.  I hope with everything that I have that heaven is indeed for real and our babies are there waiting on us.  I was thinking...if heaven is for real we will have one heck of a family reunion...thinking of seeing Gabriel again and meeting all of his siblings...well, that's what keeps me going...keeps me believing.

http://ns2.aceshowbiz.com/video/download/00053565/

stages of grief

I was reading an article that talked about the stages of grief...we've all heard them:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The idea that all people (who are unique) follow this same pattern of grief is rather absurd.  Yes, I have felt a wide range of emotions, but often within the same day or even the same moment...some I haven't really felt at all and some I feel more often than others.  I don't know if I ever really felt denial...I remember the first few months felt like a nightmare and that I would wake from it at any moment...I remember waking up several times thinking I was still pregnant and relived the agony that he was gone over and over again those first few waking seconds.  I'm not sure that it was denial, but it just didn't seem real.  I've gone back and forth between anger and depression for most of this last year and a half...and I like I said I can feel both in the same moment.  The only time I felt I was bargaining with God were the two times I was pregnant after we lost Gabriel.  I felt that we had already been through so much that we "deserved" some joy in our lives (knowing full well that isn't how it works).  I remember prayers to God that were more like begging and promising that I would do anything if He would only save my baby.  I don't bargain with God anymore...I believe that some awful things have happened in our lives, but I don't believe they were orchestrated by God.  I have asked that God intervene in our lives...make himself known, but its not conditional.

 Acceptance however is a place I don't think I'll ever come to...I'll never be okay with the fact that my son is gone...I'll never accept that I never got to spend one minute holding my son while he was alive.  I'll never accept that I never got the opportunity to watch him grow up, smile, laugh, comfort him, etc.  I'm learning how to move forward...learning how to manage the sadness and the anger...that doesn't mean I accept what happened.  I also don't believe there is an end to the grief journey...I believe I will wrestle with these emotions for the rest of my life.  I mean how can I ever think of my son and truly be okay that he is not here?!?!?
I'm thankful to have loving and patient friends in my life...I know I'm not the easiest to love on these days, but I feel so loved by so many.  I still get caught up on those that weren't there for us, those that didn't support us, but my counselor kindly reminds me that I need to let those people go.  It's hard because while I forgive them, I know I could never depend on them or trust them...how can you have a REAL relationship with someone that you know won't be there when it matters most?  Well, you can't.  So, we are focusing our time and energy on the people that have been there for us because right now we need strength from others to help us move forward.

I'm not done being angry...I'm not done being sad...I doubt I'll ever accept what happened, but I am working towards moving forward...living in the present and planning for the future...but I can NEVER let go of the past because the past holds the most precious gifts.

the ugly truth

Some people can't handle the truth...the ugly truth about living life after baby loss.  I keep a lot to myself because the judgment of others only causes more pain so I would rather keep some things to myself.  I've realized though that those that have walked this road before me also kept things to themselves and it hasn't helped "break the silence" so I wanted to share some hard truths tonight.

There is one thing that people say that makes me incredibly angry...if you have enough faith, eat right, exercise, go counseling etc. you can manage your depression.  Anyone that has truly lived in the depths of despair wouldn't dare utter those things to another human being.  Anyone that can say those things has never really lived depression or anxiety.   I have done all of those things, tried everything imaginable and most days it seems impossible to escape the darkness.  Most people don't know that in the months following Gabriel's death that I had to take medication to help me sleep.  I say had to because I tried so hard not to...I felt that taking something admitted that my faith was weak.  I would have night after night of either not sleeping or falling asleep bawling only to wake up a few hours later staring at darkness in complete and total fear and sadness.   This led to days filled with tears and anxiety and it was a viscious cycle.  The nights that I took sleeping pills I actually slept through the night and was better equipped to manage a new day.  I thankfully only needed them for a few months after he died.  I still have sleepless nights and night terrors, but fewer and fewer.

In January after our last miscarriage I ended up with some health issues and soon after  Tom had some health issues too.  We realized through all of our losses and own scary health problems that life was very fragile.  We both struggled with our anxiety.  I remembered so many nights lying in bed in complete fear...believing that if I fell asleep that I wasn't going to wake up...to the point that I wrote letters to my husband to read in the event of my death because I was so certain I wasn't going to live another day.  I also remember a few of his trips where he was traveling for work where I was in complete panic until I got word from him that his plane was on the ground.  It is a very hard place to live...please never judge someone who has had to take depression, anxiety, or sleeping meds!!!

One of the moms in my loss group was struggling deeply with depression after losing her daughter.  She said that her family was very anti medicine and tried convincing her to manage her depression naturally.  She saw a holistic doctor and nutritionist, did yoga, went to counseling, prayed...she would come to our forum to tell us how none of it was working and she felt like a failure which only compounded her depression.  She tried committing suicide one night and thankfully was unsuccessful, but was admitted for psychiatric care.  This was several months ago, but recently she posted about how much better she was doing on medication and that she was able to manage her life a bit better.  Thankfully, her story is not mine, but I completely understand her turmoil.  She wanted so desperately to "fix" her broken self and tried doing everything that everyone threw at her and when it didn't work she felt guilt and shame.

I've been a Christian a long time and I've struggled with my faith from time to time, but never anything like this last year and a half.  After all that we've been through...I still believe in God.  For anyone to insinuate that to continue to struggle through it shows a lack of faith has obviously never walked this ugly road.

Thankfully, we have some amazing people in our lives that continue to support us, but I know how difficult this road has been for so many other loss families and how much harder others make the journey for them.

Its hard to admit that you can't handle things on your own...its hard to admit that as much as you pray you still dont have the strength to start a new day sometimes...its hard to admit that sometimes you have to sleep until noon for the day to be shorter...its hard to admit that sometimes you need clinical help...so for all the things that are hard please be something that is easy for someone going through loss to handle.

time goes on while our life stands still

Today is the 4th of July.  Today is another heartbreaking reminder.  Obviously days like Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc. are hard for baby loss families, but there isn't a month/special occasion that hasn't been changed to a day of sadness for us.  I think that is one thing most people don't understand...that everything links to sadness for us.  Valentine's Day was the due date of our baby we lost after Gabriel, Tom's birthday was when we had our miscarriage before Gabriel, our anniversary is just a few days before our last baby's due date...and believe me I can go on and on!  When you think of all of the dates we found out, lost or were due with one of our babies, well...just about every month has a reminder of something sad.  Every special occasion has a bit of sadness.

On July 3rd two years ago I took a pregnancy test...it was barely positive...so I took another on the 4th and it was a nice strong line...I was pregnant again (with Gabriel).  We were scared because we already had experience with loss at that point, but we were hopeful and excited.  We had friends up to our lake house and I remember how hard it was to keep our wonderful little secret from them.  They brought wine and thought I was a dead giveaway when I didn't have a glass.  I remember laughing with them months later when we announced our good news.  2 years ago today was one of the happiest times in our lives, but as I sit here at our lake house with empty arms for another year...even the memories of happy times are tainted with sadness.  I don't think people can comprehend what its like to only have memories that contain sadness and to not have anything to look forward to this side of heaven.

We are merely surviving while time marches on for everyone else.  Its like watching a movie of everyone else's lives while we sit still...day after day.  We watch others rejoice and build memories and beautiful experiences.  We try to find joy...we try to force good days, but everything is tainted in sadness.  We are selling our lake home...and tonight we spent our last 4th on the water watching the fireworks.  It was beautiful, but as I watched I fought the tears thinking of what should be.  I can't believe two years have gone by...I see other's children grow up and celebrate birthdays, watch friend after friend get pregnant and add to their families...meanwhile we sit by and watch...mere observers and not active participators in life.

We still smile, we still laugh, but with every grin and chuckle there are tears ready to drop and we are not all present in any experience because part of us still resides in December 2012.  I wish it was different... I want it to be different and if I could will us out of sadness I would, but I can't, so we sit...and watch...and pray that we can one day find a way to live again.

Gabriel's daddy

Tom is an incredible husband...and I love him for it, but Tom is also an incredible father and it causes me to see him in a much more powerful way especially on days like today...Father's Day.  Tom has been a strong support to me over the last two difficult years and thankfully because of who he is our marriage hasn't suffered from all of the heartache, but today is not about the amazing husband he is to me rather the amazing father he is and has been for all of our children.

Tom never missed a single ultrasound visit with any of our babies.  He was there for the heartache of our first ultrasound of our first baby and he was there when we saw Gabriel's heartbeat for the first time.  He was there for all three excrutiating ultrasounds with our baby after Gabriel...and he was there when we celebrated Gabriel was a healthy baby and saw all his features for the first time at 12 weeks.  He was there when we saw our last baby didnt have a heartbeat and he was there when we learned Gabriel was a boy and we could call him by name.  He prayed for each of them while they were here...and talked to them in my womb. He loved to feel Gabriel kick and loved to read to him.  He was also their protector.  In their short life...he was always so careful to not let me lift anything or to expose me to any chemicals etc. while I was pregnant to protect our little ones.

He's also been a great father to them since we lost them.  He was present for every specialist appointment after Gabriel's death as we tried to learn more about him and why he died.  Tom has also honored our children in numerous ways including building the stone wall by our house that now houses flowers in honor of our children.  I saw his pain as he read Gabriel's book at Levine's butterfly release and as he spoke about the worst day of his life while serving on the nurse's parent panel at CMC...all in an effort to carry on Gabriel's legacy by helping other families.

I have a lot of memories of the day we learned that Gabriel died...the most haunting for me was seeing his heartbroken father when we received the devastating news.  I had envisioned so many father/son moments...Tom dressing him in his hockey jersey, reading to him as he fell asleep in his arms, teaching him to play soccer etc.  Sadly, I witnessed the most intimate of moments...a father holding his precious lifeless son in his arms.  If anyone deserves to be called a father...to be called daddy, it's my husband.

?

I knew after Gabriel died that I could never get him back here on earth so I just asked God for answers.  I thought medical answers might help me heal and also thought they would help us know how to add to our family.  For those that have walked this journey with us you know we have looked at every possibility, gone through extensive testing and met with numerous specialist.  I've seen two different OBs, two different Maternal Fetal Specialist, a genetics counselor, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a hematologist, a rheumatologist (not to mention the numerous specialist I've seen for my autoimmune issues)...and we have some great guesses, but we will never know medically why we lost Gabriel or my miscarriages.  I've learned that even if we did find the medical answer to the why question...well, we still don't really know WHY...the big WHY?...the WHY we ask God and not the doctors.

I recently received a Lupus diagnosis...still not sure the details because of conflicting test results, but it poses even more questions...especially for God.  It seems as though pregnancy triggered the Lupus to flare.  So not only have I lost all my babies, but as an added bonus God threw in a lifelong illness...God, I'm really struggling...I take one step closer to You and it feels as if you push me 5 steps back.  I felt a stab in the heart with each loss...each time I crawled until I could stand, cried out to God for His help and begged for mercy and just as I would begin to walk again I was stabbed in the heart all over again.  Each time I was slower to get up...this last time I wasn't sure I would ever get up...I struggled with God to the point of exhaustion and told Him that He wins.  I just barely got back to my feet this time (forget walking) and embraced the fact that my strength came from God and that I can't do this alone...I accepted that I wouldn't have sufficient answers here on earth, but my faith was still there.  I begged God for joy...I was so tired of darkness swallowing me up...God point me in the direction I need to follow!   Then before I put my next foot in front of the other I received a diagnosis...REALLY?!?!  I'm so tired...there isn't any fight left and hasn't been for awhile...if God wanted us broken well, we've been broken into so many pieces that we are barely recognizable... I don't even know who I am anymore.  I'm a Christian, but I find myself wanting a relationship with God more than there actually is one...I feel like God has His back turned toward me.  Deep down I know that isn't true, but when I hear others lay claim to miracles (new job, new house, new baby, new spouse, found cell phone, found money, etc.)...and I struggle believing that God had any part in it because if He did...where is my miracle?  I've found myself covered in tears lying on the floor of Gabriel's nursery sobbing, begging God to make himself known to me...make himself real...show me a miracle...but God can't because He is too busy helping someone else get a new job or find their car keys?!?!  How on earth can I accept that those are actually God intervened events?  I don't, but then I live in a world that God isn't present or involved in?  I don't accept that either.

So here I sit with no idea of what the future holds...a question mark....no idea why I had to say goodbye to my sweet babies...another question mark....and no idea where God is in all of this...the biggest question mark of all.

hope

A friend from church asked us a few weeks ago if she could write about our story and explained that she was writing about hope.  Instantly Tom and I had the same thought...our story?...surely she has the wrong couple!...we haven't had our happy ending yet...why would anyone associate our story with hope?!?!

I've been thinking a lot about hope...its an obvious topic to tackle when dealing with grief and loss.  In my post following our last miscarriage I talked about losing hope for our future.  After our first miscarriage, after losing Gabriel and after each of our miscarriages I heard many people say things like "Don't worry, you will have another baby one day" or "In God's time you will have a baby!" and my favorite "Don't give up hope, God will give you a baby!"  After our last loss I wanted to scream at anyone that said anything like that...Why?  because its bad theology...God makes us no promises that we will have an easy life and get everything we want...exactly the opposite, the Bible talks so much about trials, tribulation, pain and suffering...and He never promises a happy ending for us here on earth.

Many of us in the baby loss community write blogs...its a therapeutic way to get out your thoughts and feelings...mine is raw, its ugly at times, sad most of the time...and rarely ever does it give hope here on earth.  As I read several of my loss moms' blogs they are similar, but almost all of the loss moms I started this journey with have gone on to have their "rainbows".  Rainbow babies are babies that are born following a loss (a storm).  I've noticed that almost every blog ends with the rainbow baby's birth...they got their happy ending and they no longer write...sure they still have pain and sadness, but they now have joy to occupy their lives.  That's it?  End of their story?

Recently I came across another stillbirth blog, but it wasn't someone I knew...her baby's death was similar in timing to Gabriel's so I started reading from the beginning...I wish I hadn't.  If I had started at the end I would have gone no farther.  Her blog was similar in that it was raw, ugly, sad, angry etc.  I did notice that through the blog she never mentioned God or her faith etc...not uncommon, but I was curious what she believed about her baby and I kept reading.  The farther I got into the blog the more I realized she was really depressed...I don't mean deep sadness, I mean clinically depressed.  She was so desperate to have another baby and it wasn't happening and she sank deeper and deeper into depression.  Then there was a gap of a few months and then one last post from her husband.  He said his wife was struggling with finding the right depression meds and some were giving her severe migraines so she quit taking them.  He didn't go into detail, but said she wasn't feeling well one night and went to bed and she never woke up.  He didn't say if all of the different meds finally took its toll on her or if it was a different physical problem etc. , but that was it...the end of her story.  She got no happy ending, here on earth anyway.

I was so sad reading her blog...because most that I read do have a happy ending.  I started thinking more and more that we might not get a happy ending here on earth. If I think about it too much I too get depressed...Tom and I still very much want to have a baby to take home with us, but after the road we've traveled so far that hope is dwindling fast.   I started thinking more about the hope we have as Christians...the hope of heaven.  I believe God is real, I believe Heaven is real, I believe that my son and babies lost in miscarriage are in heaven, and I believe we will be reunited with them one day.  That is where my hope lies.  Its not a coping mechanism...although there are days that I just have to believe because the alternative is too much to bear, but my hope does lie in truth.

 When I accepted Christ into my life it wasn't a simple journey...my heart believed long before my head did...my rational mind had to wrap my head around all of these very irrational concepts.  I remember in college taking a life of Christ class where we learned about Jesus from a non-Biblical perspective.  I learned that outside of the Bible Jesus is talked about and mentioned in a variety of other historical documents.  In pagan writing he is often referred to as a magician etc. so not only did the man of Jesus Christ exist, but there was mystery surrounding him.  So whether you believe in the Bible or not you have to deal with the fact that Jesus lived...To quote C.S. Lewis my favorite Christian writer you have to do something with Jesus, you have to decide is he "lunatic, liar, or Lord"?  After reading the historical documents, well the leap to believing the Bible wasn't as big of a leap for me.  Trust me, I read enough historical literature that I had little doubt about what I was going to believe about Christ...my heart developed faith that took me the rest of the way.  I always thought...in the end (of this life) if I'm wrong, well I don't think I would have missed out on anything in life...no regrets and as a bonus I have the hope of Heaven.  Now, I feel differently...I can't imagine not having the hope of Heaven...I can't imagine this life being it...all there is.  I can't imagine that my son died for nothing and that he is just gone.  I can't imagine this being the end of our story.

For the longest time the movie Shawshank Redemption was my favorite (that was until they showed it a million times on TNT).  I loved all of the parallels to the Christian life.  There are several quotes in the movie that I love, but the theme of hope is common throughout.  The movie ends with Andy saying "Remember hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.  And nothing good ever dies."  Here is a clip from the end of the movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWJyI9OybWk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I am losing hope in some earthly things, but my hope in heaven is a different story...because God gives us a promise.

Jesus came to earth...he lived, he died...those are facts from history.  Why he came requires a small leap of faith.  He came so that we could in fact have the hope of Heaven...He died so that we could live.

John 3:16 -"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

wrestling with God

The day of my 13 week ultrasound with Gabriel was the closest I ever felt to God. That day seeing the beautiful life growing within me...well, not only was I filled with complete joy, but there wasn't an ounce of doubt that God was real and that He brought this little miracle into my life and all of sudden the world made sense.  The day we found out that Gabriel died was the farthest I've ever been from God.  My world came crashing down and I felt no loving God could possibly take this precious life from me.  I was filled with grief those days following his death and birth...and although the grief is different now...I'm still grieving every minute of every day.  Some people try to understand the grief, but very few really understand the ugly process that grief takes you through.  It is intense sadness, but it is so much more than that...the best way I can describe my spiritual journey this last year and a half is to say I've been wrestling with God.  Yesterday was beyond a tough day for me and honestly I believe I'm down for the count...God you win!

There are people in our life that have no clue what this last 2 years have been like for us.  Stillbirth, miscarriage, and recurrent pregnancy loss are amongst the words used to explain our situation, but the reality is we have lost baby, after baby, after baby, after baby...it has been absolutely devastating and crippling.  We lost our son which is the worst thing most people can imagine...but just as we began to take a step forward after our first loss, we would take a million steps back after each and every loss.  This last loss...well, not only did we feel emotionally and spiritually crippled, but physically crippled as well.  Tom and I both have had a lot of health issues since January...2 years of pain and wrestling with God finally took its toll on us.  We are broken. I thought I knew what broken was as various points in my life...not even close.  Broken is having to write letters to all of the sweet babies you've lost because you don't want to get any of the memories blurred because there have been so many.  Broken is wrapping up a picture of your husband holding your sweet, but dead baby and giving it to him on your son's birthday.  Broken is giving encouragement to a dear friend saying that your natural miscarriage at 9 weeks was the least terrible process of all your losses as she is preparing to go through the same.  Broken is having someone tell you that your pain is too much for others to deal with and that they are the ones in need of support in dealing with you.  Broken is having to answer the question of how many children you have..."one we held in our arms that is not here on earth, but others we never even saw except on an ultrasound screen" is a total mood killer.  Broken is having to write on the back of a specialist form because there wasn't enough room on the front to write in all the gestational ages of your babies and when you lost them.  Broken is looking at your calendar having trouble finding a month that you didnt either lose a baby in or one was supposed to be born.  We are broken.   We are crippled.  We are no longer the same.  We are changed.

I wish that people could read that list each time before they address me or ignore me or whatever it is they choose to do with me.  Not because I want pity...actually the opposite.  In our culture we see sadness and fear as a weakness, but I will tell you that going through all of the things on that list requires strength...it just that I don't have any of my own left anymore...the strength that it takes to get up each day, the strength that it takes to go through losing baby after baby after baby after baby...comes from God.  God uses others to give us strength...I am forever grateful for the people that have surrounded us with support, but even more thankful for the people that have shown us grace.  You see...I told you the grieving process is ugly...there are people that put on a mask during the grieving process so you don't see the ugly because most people don't want to see it...it makes them uncomfortable.  We've chosen to be real with our grief so you see not only the deep sadness, but the anger too.  I've been angry...I've been angry with God, I've been angry at those that abandoned us, and I've been angry at myself.  I'm too tired to be angry anymore...I'm too tired too fight, I'm too tired to wrestle with God any longer.  I surrender!

I've wrestled with God and God won.  My heart's desire was to have a family to love and cherish.  I have a family...not the family I envisioned, but I have a family and one that I cherish...each and every baby.  I understand unconditional love better than most and I understand the sacrifice that God made for us better than most.  My life is not my own...I never really understood that before, but I do now.   Lord, I submit to you!

In Genesis 32 Jacob physically wrestled with God and he was literally crippled the rest of his life.  We are also crippled...we are humbled...we are nothing.  We need God.  I'm reminded tonight of this scripture:

Luke 9:24 " For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

the unlucky percentage

My doctor called yesterday to let us know they were unable to get any test results on our last loss.  My OB told me we had a 80-90% chance of getting conclusive results.  The OB that did the procedure said she has only had 3-4 in her career come back inconclusive.   So once again we fall into the small unlucky percentage.  So once again we have no answers for any of our losses.

Miscarriages happen in about 25% of pregnancies, about 1- 2% of couples suffer from recurrent miscarriages, less than 1% of pregnancies end in stillbirth.  I just wonder what the percentage of having recurrent miscarriages and a stillbirth and no results  are.

Even in my baby loss community there is envy...comparing your situation to others.  I remember joining a group after my first miscarriage and feeling lucky after hearing other people's stories.  Now, our story is the story that makes other people feel lucky.  I've met many moms that have had multiple miscarriages and I've met many other stillbirth moms, but haven't met a mom yet that have gone through both and have no living children.

How long do we have to live in the unlucky percentage?  I used to wonder when things would work out for us...now I wonder if.  I know that God doesn't promise an easy life for believers, but its so hard to watch everything seem so easy for everyone else.

 Right now I need to focus on how I fall into the lucky percentage...I am married to the love of my life...so thankful to have him to walk on this journey with...as hard as its been.

54 weeks

We are currently grieving the loss of another baby.  I know I have a few dedicated readers and likely the same wonderful people that have prayed for us over this last year, that's why I'm posting this here and not in a public forum like Facebook.  We've shared our loss with only a handful of people each time because it is hard to go through this kind of pain publicly, but we've shared our pain with those that have been by our side through this whole journey...because although we want to grieve privately we know we need the prayers and support of those that care most about us.

 We've entered every pregnancy with different feelings...each pregnancy a little less hopeful than the last.  The circle of hope turning to heartbreak over and over has finally taken its toll on us.  I calculated today that over the last two years I've spent 54 weeks being pregnant.  Now that includes weeks being pregnant before I knew I was pregnant and weeks knowing the pregnancy wasn't viable while waiting to miscarry...but in any event I've spent over a year of my life pregnant...and two years later we are no where closer to holding a screaming baby in our arms.

After Gabriel died I was completely heartbroken, but still filled with hope that we would give him a brother or sister one day.  Today, I'm not only heartbroken over the loss of losing my son, but all of my babies...and hope is vanishing.  It's been a different kind of heartbreak this time.

We are still looking for answers...clinical answers and spiritual ones.  After hours, days, weeks, months of research I'm now an expert in Group B strep, positive ANA, paracentric inversions, blood clotting disorders, etc. and still we sit here with empty arms.  I've spent hours, days, weeks, months in prayer, church, bible study etc. and still we sit here with empty arms.  We have no answers...our hope is fading.  I wish I could say it wasn't meant to be for us and move on with our lives, but how do I ignore the strong desire in my heart to carry our baby, feel it kick, deliver it and hear it cry.  Though my hope is fading....my desire has not...it's only gotten stronger.  If I hadn't experienced the joy of carrying Gabriel maybe I would accept our lot in life and move on, but being pregnant with Gabriel was life changing...the most beautiful experience of my life to carry the product of the love of me and my husband.  How do I not want to do that again except with a different ending?  So here we are...two people who love each other immensely that want nothing more in life than to have a baby, but little hope left to carry us there.

54 weeks...over a year spent hoping...how long until all hope runs out?

Gabriel's birthday and Christmas

I can't believe it's been over a year since we said goodbye...it hardly seems possible.  We knew that the last few weeks would be tough so we planned a trip to Europe to distract us and have something positive to focus on.

We were in Paris for Gabriel's birthday and although we wanted to be distracted we also wanted to honor our son at the same time.  Tom opened Gabriel's birthday gift in the morning and in the evening we went to the Pont des Arts bridge.  The bridge is also known as the lock of love bridge because people put locks on the bridge as a symbol of their committed love.  People put their lock on the bridge and throw the keys in the river.  We had a lock engraved for Gabriel before we left on our trip with his name, birthday and the words "forever in our hearts".  We locked it on the bridge and we each had a key we threw in the river.  Although its merely a lock and keys...the symbolism gets to me every time.  I will never forget my sweet boy...and nothing will ever be able to take away the love I have for him.

I remember the blue balloon at his memorial and how tough it was to let it go...a symbol of the love...that's all I have...symbols, keepsakes...of my son.

Christmas hardly felt like Christmas this year...for the rest of my life someone will always be missing on Christmas day.  It hardly feels like "the happiest time of the year".

We are home from our trip and while we are thankful to be home with our puppy dog to cuddle...reality sets in and reminds me that the world is not quite right and that my heart will always have a void...

I miss you little buddy...forever...

Lord prepare me...

When I was pregnant with Gabriel I would often sing to him while driving home from work.  He was always very active during this time so I knew he was awake and was hoping he could hear me.  I usually sang the same hymn...it always seemed like the perfect hymn to sing to him while in the womb....Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary.


I shared this story at his memorial and used the hymn in his memorial video.  I haven't talked about it since.

Tonight Tom's sister Lucy gave us a precious gift...how sweet of her to think of us during this difficult time, but even sweeter that she remembered how special this hymn was to us.  Its a carving of the words to the hymn...on the side is an angel...perfect!

Gabriel's memorial video

I'm getting overwhelmed as we approach the one year mark of saying goodbye to our son.  The pain hasn't gotten better with time contrary to what everyone said to us then.  I do think that I grieve softer now.  I get overwhelmed with emotion often, but its more subtle, more controlled now, but definitely not less painful.  Sometimes I need to grieve hard...I think its good for my soul to feel it...makes him more real to me.  Today I watched his memorial video...I grieved hard.  Most of you that still keep up with my blog probably saw this at his memorial service, but I thought I would share it with those of you that weren't there.  Just trying to focus on his life...as short as it was...it was life changing...he was life changing.  We miss you sweet boy...forever!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SCq5e6CXgk8
Gabriel's Memorial video

11 months

Dear Gabriel,

I talk to you often, but today I want to write you a letter...that way you will never forget what I'm about to tell you.  Its been one month shy of one year since we said our goodbyes to you.  I know that you likely left us a few days before.  I often wonder about that exact moment...what I was doing, how you were feeling...the moment you really left us.  Its so crazy that I knew you, but never really met you...how many people can say that. I spent 7 months getting to know you, loving you...all the while I never looked into your eyes and saw your precious soul.  We saw your body...your temporary dwelling...you were a beautiful baby and oh how I wish I could see you grow up.  We knew though when we saw you that the "real" you was no longer there, yet saying goodbye to your body was final.

Its been a tough 11 months sweetheart and I've missed you every minute of every day.  The tears are fewer these days, but my thoughts and my love are just as strong as they were.  I'm learning how to live here with you in Heaven.  I feel like I went to Vegas and put absolutely everything I have on one bet...that God is real and you are with Him.  I have to believe it because I don't know how I could get through the days without knowing I would get to meet the sweet soul I grew to know and love.  I can't wait until that day Gabriel!

The main reason I'm writing to you is because I need you to know something.  I'm sure I've shared this before, but now that Thanksgiving is approaching I need you to know that I'm thankful for you.  Your short life had such great purpose!  I thought I knew what love was until you came into our lives.  From the moment I saw the positive sign I was in love.  That love grew each day as I learned or experienced something new.  I still remember your second ultrasound like it was yesterday.  I wasn't feeling you move yet, but watching your arms and legs move on the screen was unreal...we saw the life that was growing within me...we saw a little miracle that day and fell even more in love.  That love grew as you kept me awake in the wee hours kicking me.  And grew even more as your daddy would touch my tummy and talk to you.  Gabriel, we wanted you here...we wanted you in our arms...we didn't get a choice in how you left us.  I would change it if I could, but since I can't you need to know that I love you like I will love no other...you my sweet boy have a piece of my heart...hold it tight and you can give it back to me when we meet :)

You taught me about unconditional love.  You didn't have to DO anything...just be my son...which you did well.  The hopes and dreams we had for you are gone, but I'm learning that I need to focus on those months we had WITH you and not without you.
I'm not sure if you see me or hear me, but if you do then I'm sure you know that you will forever be a part of this family.  Whether you will have more brothers or sisters we don't know, but we will always rejoice in the fact that we have you.

I miss you so much, but I can't imagine my life with you not in it...the pain in missing you is worth every tear for the moments we shared with you...for the love that you gave us.

Until we "meet" my sweet boy know your mommy and daddy love you with every ounce of their souls...

The land of what could have been

The other day I got a mailer from Babies R Us that had "Baby's First Christmas" splashed across the front along with a cute baby in Christmas attire.  I'm assuming this came as a result of our baby registry we had for Gabriel.   These triggers happen more often than most people know.  One simple mailer causes me to think about what could have been for the next several minutes or hours depending on the trigger.  Then life moves forward and you get caught in it for a few minutes or hours until the next trigger.  Its hard and exhausting living this way...never knowing when something will bring you to tears, take your breath away, or cause you to leave the present and go to a place that doesn't even exist... The land of what could have been.

 For a place that doesn't exist I sure go there often...often on special days like holidays, birthdays etc., but people may be surprised how often I go there in normal everyday moments.  I went to the store yesterday and in the row of carts there were only those with carriers inside and I had to go outside to get a regular cart...I should be taking Gabriel with me to the grocery store... a regular part of our weekly routine.  I should be trying to figure out when the best time to go so as not to disrupt his nap or feeding time...I imagine what that simple task of the day should look like...but instead I have to leave what could have been and finish my grocery shopping.  Ah, but only minutes later walking by the baby aisle and see baby food and go back to what could have been and wonder what stage of food he would be ready for by this point etc.  And back and forth between worlds I go...all day...everyday...never a break from travel. Some days I get more tired than others...the trips can be more emotional.  Some days I have to work hard not to get lost in what could have been because I've stayed too long.  No one tells you about these trips back and forth...no one warns you that you often don't have control of when you are going...no one warns you about re entry into real life...and no one warns you that you will take dozens of these trips everyday for the rest of your life.  Minus the gaping hole in my heart...life is good here...I have an amazing husband...a precious puppy dog....and lots of family and friends that care so I always come back, but I understand how some couples going through this kind of loss don't come back as often as they need to...how they get lost in what could have been and spend more time there than they do in real life.  Its easy to do...way too easy...no one warns you about that either.

I miss my son terribly, but I have to force myself to leave what could have been because its just not a good place to live.  You may be forced to visit...that's beyond your control, but you don't have to live there.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You

Tomorrow Levine Children's Hospital and Kindermourn are doing a butterfly release ceremony to recognize babies lost to stillbirth and neonatal loss in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.   

After the success of Gabriel's book drive, they told his story at an administrators' meeting at CMC and then we were asked to read our book at the ceremony tomorrow.  We are honored to have a part in the ceremony, but I just wanted to take another opportunity to say thank you again for all of those that participated in our book drive in March.  

After seeing the positive response to the book from families going through our same grief, CMC would like to make this an annual book drive.  I miss my son terribly and not a moment goes by that I'm not reminded of his absence, but I am thankful that we are able to do something positive in his memory.

Our time with him was too short, but I am thankful that we were able to create some memories with him while he was with us.  My favorite memory will always be of our "family" time when we read to him in the womb.  This book drive is one of the few ways that I can think of that helps to keep Gabriel's memory alive and provides memories for other grieving families.

A few people that weren't able to participate in our book drive in March asked if they can still donate books.  We will collect books all year round, but plan to make as delivery to CMC in March because we raised enough books last time to last almost a year.  We will be working on an easier way to purchase and deliver books, but until then I've included our Amazon wish list link that ships directly to us.  Please be sure to add your name as a gift note because we received so many books that did not include names.  

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3M0Y47I2MC7PD/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_o_C-1

Thank you again to the following people that made Gabriel's book drive possible.

Lucy Larmondra

Mike and Lisa Ensalaco

Dan and Arielle Larmondra

Tom and Susie Larmondra

Dave and Maureen Valentine

Carol Valentine

Related Services Department at Cabarrus County Schools

  Amelia Barrows

  Amber Silianoff

  Amy Channell

  Nancy Kiger

  Reagan Crummey

  Regina Beamon

  Sharon Antoszyk

  Lindsey Johnson

  Allison Megahey

Jill Spencer

Julie Phillips

Stephanie Bryant

Ally Betley

Joyce Ray

Monica Smith

Christy Takach

Joyce Camp

Anne-Marie Key
Bobbie Jo Migliaccio
Gretchen Baute
Heather Drye

Sherry Lee

Carrie Whitley

Heather Clarke

Laura Pennell

Tina Willis

Joy Lineberger
Michel Lapalombella

Brandy Mills

Melissa Tapp

Cindy Hill

Pat Konicki

Audrey Remkus

Amanda Allen

Chris & Mauri Booth

Rebekah Hart

Lindsey Pratx

Ludmila Pashaev

Sandra Etherington

Tori Springate

Karen Cameron

Stacie and Jeff Yoder

Beth & Brian White

Nicole Anthony

Becky Stebelton

Mialee Schmeltzer
Matt and Katie Taylor

Deborah Drain & Family

Erin Conner-Holschuh

Ashleigh & Chris Twedt

Robbye Fielden

David Cline
Paul and Gretchen Kubinksi
Seth and Shannon McKay
April Lewis (Pinedale Christian Church)

Rick and Becky Walton
Kaye Goldbach
Michelle Kovalchick

another sleepless night

4 a.m. and been awake for a few hours now.  I occassionally have a sleepless night but they are becoming fewer and fewer as time goes on.  Most of them happen when my husband is traveling and all the fear of something happening to him too seeps in.  I've always been a bit of a worrier, but since losing Gabriel I realize how fragile life really is.

Tonight there is no specific reason for my sleeplessness...not sure how it started, but here I am...in the dark...with my thoughts...and they always go back to the same place...my son.  I do feel like sometimes I hold onto the pain as a punishment of sorts, but sometimes the pain just finds me...in the night...in the dark...and I can't escape it.

I'm not sure there will ever come a day when the pain doesn't find me unexpectedly.  It doesn't just find me in the night, but in the grocery when I hear an unexpected baby cry.  It finds me on facebook with an unexpected pregnancy announcement. It finds me watching mindless television...because even on Sci-fi shows they unexpectedly introduce a baby or pregnancy theme.  I can't distract myself, I can't run away from it...it always finds me.

One good thing about pain is that it reminds you that you are still alive...still survivng...and you are not forgetting.  I'm not sure that pain and remembering can be separated...so if I have to experience the pain in order to remember my son...well, it's worth it.

Gabriel didn't bring the pain...he brought love to my life...it was when he left that the pain came.  Since I can't have my son back right now...I'll take the pain.  I'll feel the pain so that I can feel the love...it's incredibly difficult,  but worth it.

So...on these sleepless nights...my mind wanders to a dark place...but in that dark place I also find love.  I think about darkness and love and am reminded of the cross...the ultimate place where darkness and love intertwined.

Gabriel, my hearts hurts...my heart hurts because you are not here...I always look for you in the darkness though and find love.  I look forward to the day that I can love you without the pain...but until then my sweet boy...my tears welcome your love in my life.