Motherhood

Today was another hard day.  We met with the doctor to find out what happened to our sweet little boy.  It turns out that Gabriel had a chromosomal problem...we still have a lot to learn as to what this means exactly, but it was unlikely that he would have survived outside of the womb.  For the last 3 weeks I've beat myself up feeling as if I failed him as a mother.  I was scared that maybe I did or didn't do something that caused his passing. I felt that it was my responsibility to take care of him because I was his mother and that I failed at the most important job I'd ever been given.

So what does being a mother mean?  I ask only because since we lost Gabriel I've heard people say things to me like "Don't worry you will be a great mother one day" or "You guys are going to make great parents one day" etc. 

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was filled with an instant indescribable love for my child. As Gabriel grew and I felt him move and kick that connection grew stronger and my love for him was unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. I would have done absolutely anything for him. I rubbed my stomach because I wasn't able to physically touch him yet, but the feeling I had when I did was as if he was already in my arms. I sang to him and read to him because I wanted to spend time and bond with my son...only he was in my womb and not my arms.  I gave birth to my son...another moment of indescribable feelings.  I know that Gabriel's soul was no longer there at that time, but I did give birth to my son and I did hold his precious little body.  I saw his face and held his little hand and kissed his forehead.

I'm a teacher and a teacher of students that can't care for themselves...I do all of the daily care activities for my students such as changing them, wiping their noses, helping to feed them etc.  I love my students and take care of them, but I am not their mother.  Obviously being a mother goes far beyond the day in day out taking care of your child's needs.  For me, I feel robbed of the opportunity to wake up in the middle of the night to my son's cries...to feed him and care for him.  I was robbed of time bonding with him...playing and reading etc.  I was robbed of all of those precious things, but I will love Gabriel with all of my heart until the day I die...and he will forever be my son and I will forever be his mother.