empty playground

I had a dream last night about Gabriel.  I dreamt that a church was keeping Gabriel because when he was born he was so small and I couldn't take him home.  In my dream I didn't know exactly where he was and we had to find him.  We found the church and found Gabriel.  The baby in the dream was much smaller than Gabriel actually was though, but I picked him up afraid that I wasn't going to be able to take care of him like he needed.  It was time for us to take him home though and lots of friends were in the dream and they were there to help us bring home all of his things.  The things that we were taking home though were things that in real life we never bought yet, but they were on his registry.   My dream ended with us getting in the car to go home with him.  I woke up with the feeling that I had at the beginning of the year which was Gabriel is alive, I just need to find him...then as the seconds between sleep and awake disappeared I realized that Gabriel was still gone...never to come home with us.  I laid in bed feeling so empty.

I took Lily to the park today which often gets me emotional because I always envisioned taking Gabriel and Lily both to the park.  I often see strollers, children playing etc. and it always makes me realize how much I'm missing out on.  Today there were about 3 or 4 families on the playground when we started our walk.  There was a  pregnant woman pushing her about 18month old and she was smiling...seemingly carefree and I wondered if I will ever be able to smile like that.  I walked Lily and we were doubling back to stay in the shade so that we came back the way that we came in and I looked at the playground and it was empty.  It was odd seeing it full before and now empty.  I saw some of the families under the picnic shelter so they hadn't actually left the park, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the empty playground.  No kids being pushed in the swings, no giggling coming down the slide, no running or jumping...just quiet...just stillness.   I thought that is not how a playground is meant to be...I playground is meant to be full of life, happiness, joy.  My life feels like an empty playground...I know that this is not how it was meant, but it is.  I look at our wedding pictures and see a woman with the biggest grin on her face...life was just beginning on that day, full of hope, full of possibility, full of love, full of joy...I have the same things in my life as I did that day, but the joy is gone.  I love my husband more than I did on that day, but even the love we have for each other has changed...I love him more, but our innocent, carefree love is gone.  When we look into each other's eyes now we see the deep sadness that lingers there...and will forever.  This isn't how it was supposed to be.

We are coming up on 4 months...I've heard from other moms that there is a 4 month slump...I've hit it...hard.  I'm back to crying multiple times a day...and I'm just sad.  I miss my son and here 4 months later I'm still dreaming about how to bring him home...part of me doesn't want to accept the truth even still.