Jesus conquered the grave

So yesterday was Easter.  It was a little harder than I expected going to church.  Another "special" day without our sweet boy.  The pastor was using examples of parenting in his sermon and at one point said "if you are a parent raise your hand"...in the context he wanted to know who has experienced what he was talking about...we hadn't and we didn't raise our hands.  I wanted to...but didn't because I had no idea about the experiences he was talking about...that broke my heart.  Seeing pictures of his son on the screen playing basketball and how he got that love from him etc. was hard...Gabriel we hoped would love soccer or hockey or football like us...we will never get to teach him a love for those things...along with the other million things we will never do with our son.

I heard that the year of firsts is unbearable.  We've been through the first Christmas, first New Years, first due date, my birthday, and now Easter all without Gabriel.  The coming months will not be easier...Tom's birthday is May 1st which was just days before we had our miscarriage before Gabriel and then Fourth of July when I found out that I was pregnant with Gabriel.  The list goes on and on.  I miss him every day, but those "special" days are just stabs in the heart.

We came to the lakehouse for Spring Break...a sort of getaway, but the last time we were here I was pregnant.  I went to the bathroom when we got here and saw my prenatals laying on the counter and just remembering being here right before Thanksgiving and going to Ohio...just a few weeks before we lost him.  It never ends...reminders are everywhere and it all feels wrong.  We shouldn't be here right now and able to go for rides on the boat...not yet.

Even Lily is a reminder of what we lost...watching her play with our 1 year old nephew on Easter is heartbreaking...she is supposed to be biting Gabriel's ears and making him giggle etc.

So, we continue to grieve...every moment is a different opportunity that we've missed out on with Gabriel.

Yesterday in celebration of Easter we sang a praise song and one of the lines is "Jesus conquered the grave".  That line has more significance to me now.  My own mortality has never really come into play with my faith.  I knew that I would die one day...didn't really want it to happen, but never really feared it either, just had faith that God was real and one day I would be in Heaven.  Now...my faith isn't as child like.  Death has far more significance to me...there is more on the line now if God isn't real and there isn't a Heaven.  I still believe, but it's challenging sometimes.  Hearing that Jesus conquered the grave made me wonder why we have to experience death now...if Jesus conquered it then why do we still have to die to ultimately LIVE.  So many questions still unanswered.