My doctor called yesterday to let us know they were unable to get any test results on our last loss. My OB told me we had a 80-90% chance of getting conclusive results. The OB that did the procedure said she has only had 3-4 in her career come back inconclusive. So once again we fall into the small unlucky percentage. So once again we have no answers for any of our losses.
Miscarriages happen in about 25% of pregnancies, about 1- 2% of couples suffer from recurrent miscarriages, less than 1% of pregnancies end in stillbirth. I just wonder what the percentage of having recurrent miscarriages and a stillbirth and no results are.
Even in my baby loss community there is envy...comparing your situation to others. I remember joining a group after my first miscarriage and feeling lucky after hearing other people's stories. Now, our story is the story that makes other people feel lucky. I've met many moms that have had multiple miscarriages and I've met many other stillbirth moms, but haven't met a mom yet that have gone through both and have no living children.
How long do we have to live in the unlucky percentage? I used to wonder when things would work out for us...now I wonder if. I know that God doesn't promise an easy life for believers, but its so hard to watch everything seem so easy for everyone else.
Right now I need to focus on how I fall into the lucky percentage...I am married to the love of my life...so thankful to have him to walk on this journey with...as hard as its been.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
54 weeks
We are currently grieving the loss of another baby. I know I have a few dedicated readers and likely the same wonderful people that have prayed for us over this last year, that's why I'm posting this here and not in a public forum like Facebook. We've shared our loss with only a handful of people each time because it is hard to go through this kind of pain publicly, but we've shared our pain with those that have been by our side through this whole journey...because although we want to grieve privately we know we need the prayers and support of those that care most about us.
We've entered every pregnancy with different feelings...each pregnancy a little less hopeful than the last. The circle of hope turning to heartbreak over and over has finally taken its toll on us. I calculated today that over the last two years I've spent 54 weeks being pregnant. Now that includes weeks being pregnant before I knew I was pregnant and weeks knowing the pregnancy wasn't viable while waiting to miscarry...but in any event I've spent over a year of my life pregnant...and two years later we are no where closer to holding a screaming baby in our arms.
After Gabriel died I was completely heartbroken, but still filled with hope that we would give him a brother or sister one day. Today, I'm not only heartbroken over the loss of losing my son, but all of my babies...and hope is vanishing. It's been a different kind of heartbreak this time.
We are still looking for answers...clinical answers and spiritual ones. After hours, days, weeks, months of research I'm now an expert in Group B strep, positive ANA, paracentric inversions, blood clotting disorders, etc. and still we sit here with empty arms. I've spent hours, days, weeks, months in prayer, church, bible study etc. and still we sit here with empty arms. We have no answers...our hope is fading. I wish I could say it wasn't meant to be for us and move on with our lives, but how do I ignore the strong desire in my heart to carry our baby, feel it kick, deliver it and hear it cry. Though my hope is fading....my desire has not...it's only gotten stronger. If I hadn't experienced the joy of carrying Gabriel maybe I would accept our lot in life and move on, but being pregnant with Gabriel was life changing...the most beautiful experience of my life to carry the product of the love of me and my husband. How do I not want to do that again except with a different ending? So here we are...two people who love each other immensely that want nothing more in life than to have a baby, but little hope left to carry us there.
54 weeks...over a year spent hoping...how long until all hope runs out?
We've entered every pregnancy with different feelings...each pregnancy a little less hopeful than the last. The circle of hope turning to heartbreak over and over has finally taken its toll on us. I calculated today that over the last two years I've spent 54 weeks being pregnant. Now that includes weeks being pregnant before I knew I was pregnant and weeks knowing the pregnancy wasn't viable while waiting to miscarry...but in any event I've spent over a year of my life pregnant...and two years later we are no where closer to holding a screaming baby in our arms.
After Gabriel died I was completely heartbroken, but still filled with hope that we would give him a brother or sister one day. Today, I'm not only heartbroken over the loss of losing my son, but all of my babies...and hope is vanishing. It's been a different kind of heartbreak this time.
We are still looking for answers...clinical answers and spiritual ones. After hours, days, weeks, months of research I'm now an expert in Group B strep, positive ANA, paracentric inversions, blood clotting disorders, etc. and still we sit here with empty arms. I've spent hours, days, weeks, months in prayer, church, bible study etc. and still we sit here with empty arms. We have no answers...our hope is fading. I wish I could say it wasn't meant to be for us and move on with our lives, but how do I ignore the strong desire in my heart to carry our baby, feel it kick, deliver it and hear it cry. Though my hope is fading....my desire has not...it's only gotten stronger. If I hadn't experienced the joy of carrying Gabriel maybe I would accept our lot in life and move on, but being pregnant with Gabriel was life changing...the most beautiful experience of my life to carry the product of the love of me and my husband. How do I not want to do that again except with a different ending? So here we are...two people who love each other immensely that want nothing more in life than to have a baby, but little hope left to carry us there.
54 weeks...over a year spent hoping...how long until all hope runs out?
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