Friday, April 18, 2014

hope

A friend from church asked us a few weeks ago if she could write about our story and explained that she was writing about hope.  Instantly Tom and I had the same thought...our story?...surely she has the wrong couple!...we haven't had our happy ending yet...why would anyone associate our story with hope?!?!

I've been thinking a lot about hope...its an obvious topic to tackle when dealing with grief and loss.  In my post following our last miscarriage I talked about losing hope for our future.  After our first miscarriage, after losing Gabriel and after each of our miscarriages I heard many people say things like "Don't worry, you will have another baby one day" or "In God's time you will have a baby!" and my favorite "Don't give up hope, God will give you a baby!"  After our last loss I wanted to scream at anyone that said anything like that...Why?  because its bad theology...God makes us no promises that we will have an easy life and get everything we want...exactly the opposite, the Bible talks so much about trials, tribulation, pain and suffering...and He never promises a happy ending for us here on earth.

Many of us in the baby loss community write blogs...its a therapeutic way to get out your thoughts and feelings...mine is raw, its ugly at times, sad most of the time...and rarely ever does it give hope here on earth.  As I read several of my loss moms' blogs they are similar, but almost all of the loss moms I started this journey with have gone on to have their "rainbows".  Rainbow babies are babies that are born following a loss (a storm).  I've noticed that almost every blog ends with the rainbow baby's birth...they got their happy ending and they no longer write...sure they still have pain and sadness, but they now have joy to occupy their lives.  That's it?  End of their story?

Recently I came across another stillbirth blog, but it wasn't someone I knew...her baby's death was similar in timing to Gabriel's so I started reading from the beginning...I wish I hadn't.  If I had started at the end I would have gone no farther.  Her blog was similar in that it was raw, ugly, sad, angry etc.  I did notice that through the blog she never mentioned God or her faith etc...not uncommon, but I was curious what she believed about her baby and I kept reading.  The farther I got into the blog the more I realized she was really depressed...I don't mean deep sadness, I mean clinically depressed.  She was so desperate to have another baby and it wasn't happening and she sank deeper and deeper into depression.  Then there was a gap of a few months and then one last post from her husband.  He said his wife was struggling with finding the right depression meds and some were giving her severe migraines so she quit taking them.  He didn't go into detail, but said she wasn't feeling well one night and went to bed and she never woke up.  He didn't say if all of the different meds finally took its toll on her or if it was a different physical problem etc. , but that was it...the end of her story.  She got no happy ending, here on earth anyway.

I was so sad reading her blog...because most that I read do have a happy ending.  I started thinking more and more that we might not get a happy ending here on earth. If I think about it too much I too get depressed...Tom and I still very much want to have a baby to take home with us, but after the road we've traveled so far that hope is dwindling fast.   I started thinking more about the hope we have as Christians...the hope of heaven.  I believe God is real, I believe Heaven is real, I believe that my son and babies lost in miscarriage are in heaven, and I believe we will be reunited with them one day.  That is where my hope lies.  Its not a coping mechanism...although there are days that I just have to believe because the alternative is too much to bear, but my hope does lie in truth.

 When I accepted Christ into my life it wasn't a simple journey...my heart believed long before my head did...my rational mind had to wrap my head around all of these very irrational concepts.  I remember in college taking a life of Christ class where we learned about Jesus from a non-Biblical perspective.  I learned that outside of the Bible Jesus is talked about and mentioned in a variety of other historical documents.  In pagan writing he is often referred to as a magician etc. so not only did the man of Jesus Christ exist, but there was mystery surrounding him.  So whether you believe in the Bible or not you have to deal with the fact that Jesus lived...To quote C.S. Lewis my favorite Christian writer you have to do something with Jesus, you have to decide is he "lunatic, liar, or Lord"?  After reading the historical documents, well the leap to believing the Bible wasn't as big of a leap for me.  Trust me, I read enough historical literature that I had little doubt about what I was going to believe about Christ...my heart developed faith that took me the rest of the way.  I always thought...in the end (of this life) if I'm wrong, well I don't think I would have missed out on anything in life...no regrets and as a bonus I have the hope of Heaven.  Now, I feel differently...I can't imagine not having the hope of Heaven...I can't imagine this life being it...all there is.  I can't imagine that my son died for nothing and that he is just gone.  I can't imagine this being the end of our story.

For the longest time the movie Shawshank Redemption was my favorite (that was until they showed it a million times on TNT).  I loved all of the parallels to the Christian life.  There are several quotes in the movie that I love, but the theme of hope is common throughout.  The movie ends with Andy saying "Remember hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.  And nothing good ever dies."  Here is a clip from the end of the movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWJyI9OybWk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I am losing hope in some earthly things, but my hope in heaven is a different story...because God gives us a promise.

Jesus came to earth...he lived, he died...those are facts from history.  Why he came requires a small leap of faith.  He came so that we could in fact have the hope of Heaven...He died so that we could live.

John 3:16 -"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What you can do for a baby loss family!

A friend asked me the other day what she could do for another baby loss family and it got me thinking that I should put a list together.  I've read a lot of lists about what to say and what not to say, but not really anything about what you can do for a family suffering a baby loss.  These are not in ranking order because they are all important...they are just in the order I'm thinking of them.

1.  Dinner.  So many people brought us food in those initial days, but what was extremely helpful were those that brought food we could freeze and have another day.  When you are going through such grief there are a lot of days you just don't feel like eating.  Momma LuAnn brought us lots of frozen bowls of things like vegetable soup and chili which reheat easily and are enough food for those days you just need to take the hunger away, but not really feel like eating.  So especially for parents that don't have any living children to take care this is a great idea.

2.  Snacks.  I never would have thought of this, but my friend Stephanie made a beautiful basket with all sorts of snacks.  This was so nice because we didn't feel like grocery shopping but needed some things to eat throughout the day.  Often snacks were better than dinner for us because we didn't often feel like eating a big meal.

3.  Flowers.  We told people to make a donation instead of sending us flowers, but several people sent flowers anyway and they were beautiful and so nice to have around.  Tom's parents sent flowers on my birthday too which was a week before Gabriel's due date so especially meaningful.  The flowers can be anytime, not just the week following the death.

4.  Cards.  We received so many cards in the mail and even in this day of technology there is nothing like a card so instead of an email, text, or a Facebook post...send a card.  The other thing I really appreciated were cards that came weeks and months later.  We still have friends that send a random thinking of you card and it means so much to know that people are thinking of you months later.  My friend Amelia is the best at sending cards and sent one on Gabriel's birthday...meant so much to know that someone else was thinking of our son on his birthday.

5.  Books.  I still have many books that I haven't read yet because they were hard to read initially, but there comes a day when a person is ready and will pick up the book they've been staring at for months.  This is especially a good idea for people that don't know what to say, give a book and let the experts say it :).  There are many baby loss books out there and here are a few:
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
Grieving the Child I Never Knew
Empty Arms

6.  Jewelry.  Any kind of sentimental jewelry is appropriate... lockets, charms etc.  If you can find a way to personalize it with the child's name or birthstone etc.

7.  Thoughtful Gifts. We received some very thoughtful gifts since Gabriel died.  We have a lot of willow tree decorations and our neighbor got us a willow tree angel that still sits on display.  On Mother's Day a friend gave me framed art of Gabriel's name.  On Christmas Tom's sister gave us a beautiful plaque with the words to the hymn we used to sing to Gabriel.  Tom's other sister gave us the words to now I lay me down to sleep with Gabriel's name on it in a frame at Gabriel's memorial.   We received prayer shawls from my former co-workers and one of Toms cousins.  These gifts are especially meaningful on the days long after the loss when many forget...Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, anniversary of the baby's death etc.  It feels so good to know that others thought enough to do something special on those extra tough days.

8.  Donations in the child's name.  Making a donation to an organization important to the family in their child's name is extremely meaningful.  If you don't know what organization is important to them First Candle is a wonderful baby loss organization whose focus is on research and advocacy in the area of stillbirth and SIDS.  At First Candle you can make a donation in a child's name and if you know their address they will send the family a card recognizing the donation with their child's name.  We set up a permanent memorial fund for Gabriel there and if you are a close family member you could set one up in their child's name.  We had so many friends, family and coworkers make donations in Gabriel's name there.

9.  Service.  While we were in the hospital our friends Stephanie and Julie took care of our dog Lily.  What I didn't know until after we got home was that they cleaned our house and did our laundry.  If they would have asked me I would have refused, but it was so sweet of them and so nice to come home to a clean home.  If you are a neighbor you could offer to mow their grass etc.  It is a very humbling experience for a family to let someone in to do those kinds of things so don't make a big deal about it and don't wait for them to ask.  If you see dishes in the sink, just do them.

10.  Be there.  I had so many friends that were there inviting us to do things etc. and we weren't always up for it, but it felt good to be asked.  Most of our friends never pressured, but also made known that they were there when we were ready to get out and we eventually did.  I also think of my sister that remembers every appointment or test we are going through and always asks about it.  She is just there if I need to vent because I'm having a bad day.   Be available for when they need you!

11.  Encouragement.  My friend Shannon is the constant encourager.  I can't tell you how many letters I received or emails showing her support and encouraging me with Scripture.  This is a hard line to balance though because so many people say the wrong things, but stick to acknowledging their pain, that you are sorry and letting them know they are in your thoughts and prayers.  Avoid trying to come up with reasons for their loss or lessons their grief will teach them.

12.  Pray.  When the family comes to your mind, pray for them.  After you pray for them let the family know you prayed for them or ask them how to pray for them.  We had so many appointments and went through so much testing it felt good to know that we had people praying for us during all of that.  We also had days that it was almost impossible to get out of bed...notes telling me I was being prayed for gave me the strength I needed for that day.  I really appreciated those out of the blue notes...they always seemed to find me on my hardest days.

13.  Don't forget.  I promise you that the family that lost their baby will never forget so acknowledging their pain and letting them know you are thinking of them will not remind them of their loss.  Tom and I both have received so many thoughtful notes and messages from people and often people we are not in regular contact with to say how sorry they are or that they are praying for us.  Even now over a year later I get random notes and yes they make me cry, but that pain was already there and it is eased just a little by someone remembering.

14.  Use their baby's name.  I don't care who it is...it is always so much more personal when someone uses Gabriel's name.

15.  Be patient.  If you invite a baby loss mom to coffee don't take offense if they don't take you up on it right away.  Just let them know you are there and ask again in a few weeks so they know you are still around.  Baby loss families don't ever "get over" their loss, but in time they start to resume some normal activities.  Be patient as they figure out their new normal and how to re-enter  the world around them.  The more patient you are with them the more likely they will be to be comfortable around you.

16.  Be sensitive.  Picture a baby loss mom or dad with the words fragile written on them.  If a box said fragile you would carry it differently than one that didn't.  Remember that there are triggers for them.  I wouldn't ask about their future family planning unless they bring it up.  I remember just weeks after Gabriel died people asked me if we were planning to adopt and Tom and I hadn't had those conversations yet so I wasn't ready to talk about them with others.  I also remember a few friends struggled to know how to let me know about their new pregnancies.  This is something to do personally, you don't want them to hear it from someone else because I know for me I hated getting caught of guard or surprised especially in front of other people.  Write a personal note to the mom and let her know that you realize this is a sensitive subject, but you are thinking of them.  I remember the sweetest note from Amelia announcing that she was expecting her 2nd child and in it she said to feel free to block her on Facebook etc.   She understood my pain and I didn't have to feel guilty.

I'm sure there is more, but those are the things I appreciated the most.  I've had old high school and college friends, old co workers etc. all reach out to me at various points along our journey and am deeply touched because it would be easy for them to pretend they didn't know.  I'm also thankful for the family and friends that have made this journey easier.  Hopefully this list will help you make the journey easier for someone else.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

2nd annual Gabriel's books for little angels

This year we raised 62 books for CMC hospital!!!  Last year we raised over 130...so with both collections we have raised almost 200 books...that is almost 1 book for every baby loss family at CMC Main for two years.  They usually have over 100 losses a year (not including all the losses of babies in the NICU!!!).

I pray that these books help to create lasting memories for the families with their babies and a treasure that they can keep always.  Thank you to everyone that participated this year and last year to help honor our son...we are so grateful!

We are also honored to serve on a parent panel at CMC on April 24th to help educate nurses on baby loss.  We will be delivering our books on that day!

We really wanted to do something positive in Gabriel's memory and something that would help other loss parents...but we couldn't have done this without the support.

Please know that while we appreciate the donations we appreciate all of the beautiful encouragement that we've received...from the days following his passing until now. Dear friends and family that brought us food, sent flowers, cards...a few good friends even cleaned our home in those days following his death...the grief didn't end in those weeks following so I am so thankful for those that have weeped with us and continue to weep with us even now.  I have truly been blessed with some amazing people in my life and thankful for those that have held my hand along the way because most days you can't get through alone.   My heart is overwhelmed when I receive a card or letter from someone now...over a year after his death.  A few sweet friends sent birthday cards on Gabriels birthday and it means so much that he impacted their lives too.  I am especially thankful to those that are sensitive to our broken hearts and have treated us with such compassion over this last year...no judgement, no frustration...only grace as we continue to heal.  Thank you for all of the love, prayers and support!

Thank you to the following for their very generous book donations:
Joyce Ray (5)
Matt Sederburg & Cara Balch (5)
Ally Price (4)
Emily Abernathy (4)
Beth & Brian White (3)
Tori Springate (3)
Sherry Lee (3)
Jeff and Ann  Tolbert (3)
Cathy and Tim Anderson (3)
Jamie Ruzekowicz (2)
Tiffany Bailey (2)
Monica Smith
Stephanie Wade
Lucy Larmondra
Emily & Gray Riley
Stephanie Hahn
Sandra Etherington
Carol Valentine
Robyn Conkey
Katie Darst
Emily Keith
Katy Fitzgerald
Julie Phillips
Amelia Barrows
Christy Takach
Allison Megahey
Ludmilla Bullock
David & Mendy Henderson
Maria Chiarino
Linda Clark-Borre
Jamie Larmondra
Melissa Tapp
Tom & Susie Larmondra
Shannon McKay
Rebekah Zimmerman

Also thank you to Amelia Barrows for her donation to Gabriel's Memorial Fund at First Candle on Gabriel's birthday!  First Candle does research and advocacy in the areas of stillbirth and SIDS.
http://www.firstcandle.org
Gabriel's Memorial Fund

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Broken Hallelujah

The words are so perfect to this song and exactly where I am.

I pray that God makes beauty from these ashes!

http://freeccm.com/2013/11/05/the-afters-broken-hallelujah-lyric-video/

wrestling with God

The day of my 13 week ultrasound with Gabriel was the closest I ever felt to God. That day seeing the beautiful life growing within me...well, not only was I filled with complete joy, but there wasn't an ounce of doubt that God was real and that He brought this little miracle into my life and all of sudden the world made sense.  The day we found out that Gabriel died was the farthest I've ever been from God.  My world came crashing down and I felt no loving God could possibly take this precious life from me.  I was filled with grief those days following his death and birth...and although the grief is different now...I'm still grieving every minute of every day.  Some people try to understand the grief, but very few really understand the ugly process that grief takes you through.  It is intense sadness, but it is so much more than that...the best way I can describe my spiritual journey this last year and a half is to say I've been wrestling with God.  Yesterday was beyond a tough day for me and honestly I believe I'm down for the count...God you win!

There are people in our life that have no clue what this last 2 years have been like for us.  Stillbirth, miscarriage, and recurrent pregnancy loss are amongst the words used to explain our situation, but the reality is we have lost baby, after baby, after baby, after baby...it has been absolutely devastating and crippling.  We lost our son which is the worst thing most people can imagine...but just as we began to take a step forward after our first loss, we would take a million steps back after each and every loss.  This last loss...well, not only did we feel emotionally and spiritually crippled, but physically crippled as well.  Tom and I both have had a lot of health issues since January...2 years of pain and wrestling with God finally took its toll on us.  We are broken. I thought I knew what broken was as various points in my life...not even close.  Broken is having to write letters to all of the sweet babies you've lost because you don't want to get any of the memories blurred because there have been so many.  Broken is wrapping up a picture of your husband holding your sweet, but dead baby and giving it to him on your son's birthday.  Broken is giving encouragement to a dear friend saying that your natural miscarriage at 9 weeks was the least terrible process of all your losses as she is preparing to go through the same.  Broken is having someone tell you that your pain is too much for others to deal with and that they are the ones in need of support in dealing with you.  Broken is having to answer the question of how many children you have..."one we held in our arms that is not here on earth, but others we never even saw except on an ultrasound screen" is a total mood killer.  Broken is having to write on the back of a specialist form because there wasn't enough room on the front to write in all the gestational ages of your babies and when you lost them.  Broken is looking at your calendar having trouble finding a month that you didnt either lose a baby in or one was supposed to be born.  We are broken.   We are crippled.  We are no longer the same.  We are changed.

I wish that people could read that list each time before they address me or ignore me or whatever it is they choose to do with me.  Not because I want pity...actually the opposite.  In our culture we see sadness and fear as a weakness, but I will tell you that going through all of the things on that list requires strength...it just that I don't have any of my own left anymore...the strength that it takes to get up each day, the strength that it takes to go through losing baby after baby after baby after baby...comes from God.  God uses others to give us strength...I am forever grateful for the people that have surrounded us with support, but even more thankful for the people that have shown us grace.  You see...I told you the grieving process is ugly...there are people that put on a mask during the grieving process so you don't see the ugly because most people don't want to see it...it makes them uncomfortable.  We've chosen to be real with our grief so you see not only the deep sadness, but the anger too.  I've been angry...I've been angry with God, I've been angry at those that abandoned us, and I've been angry at myself.  I'm too tired to be angry anymore...I'm too tired too fight, I'm too tired to wrestle with God any longer.  I surrender!

I've wrestled with God and God won.  My heart's desire was to have a family to love and cherish.  I have a family...not the family I envisioned, but I have a family and one that I cherish...each and every baby.  I understand unconditional love better than most and I understand the sacrifice that God made for us better than most.  My life is not my own...I never really understood that before, but I do now.   Lord, I submit to you!

In Genesis 32 Jacob physically wrestled with God and he was literally crippled the rest of his life.  We are also crippled...we are humbled...we are nothing.  We need God.  I'm reminded tonight of this scripture:

Luke 9:24 " For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."