Monday, December 22, 2014

December

When I turn on the radio and hear Christmas songs declaring it's "the most wonderful time of the year"...all I can think is that they obviously haven't walked in our shoes.  With Gabriel's birthday being one week before Christmas it makes the holidays doublely hard.  This month is filled with more " what ifs" than any other.  On Gabriel's 2nd birthday all I could think about was...a two year old...we should have a two year old running around.  We should be visiting Santa, decorating cookies and reading the Christmas story together. Things should be so very different, but they are not.

Last year we chose to escape December by going to Europe...we distracted ourselves with the Alps, Christmas markets, and castles.  At the end of the day...we couldn't escape the fact that Gabriel wasn't with us.  This year we have tried not to escape, but to embrace.  In everything we do to embrace the holiday we are reminded that Gabriel is not here...he isn't here to help decorate, he isn't here to help wrap presents, and he isn't here to sing Christmas songs declaring it's "the most wonderful time of the year".

Last year we found out we were pregnant right before we went to Europe only to find out in January that we lost another baby.  I had hoped that this December would be different, but this December brought us our 5th loss.  Another reason why this is far from "the most wonderful time of the year"!  So as everyone around us celebrates...we will celebrate too, but with great sadness behind our smiles.  I pray that we will experience a December that has more joy than sadnesss, but until then...we will continue to celebrate with broken hearts.

Gabriel, I miss you and dream of a day that we can see your smile...and that we can smile without the hurt.  Merry Christmas in Heaven little buddy!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is nearing an end, but I wanted to share a little about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Although pregnancy and infant loss affects so many it is a very untalked about epidemic.  Approximately 25 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage, approximately 1 in 150 pregnancies end in stillbirth and roughly 24,000 infants die within the first year of life in the U.S.  It's sad that so many babies are lost each year and so little is being done about it.  Stillbirth statistics haven't changed much in the last 50 years, but many experts agree that many stillbirths can be prevented.  Research is being done on umbilical cord, placenta and blood clotting issues...enough to show that many of these can be prevented, but not enough that change is taking place in the care of pregnant women.  If you are interested in helping make a difference in stillbirth and infant death advocacy and research consider making a donation to an organization like First Candle.  After Gabriel died we were looking for a charity to donate to in Gabriel's memory and were shocked that so few stillbirth organizations existed.  We visited First Candle's headquarters last year and although small...they along with Star Legacy Foundation are making a difference in research and advocacy.


These pictures are from our visit to First Candle's headquarters in Baltimore last year.  Gabriel's name is on a leaf on their Tree of Hope!

We set up a memorial fund at First Candle in Gabriel's name for those interested in making a donation.  

This month I served again on a parent panel at CMC to educate nurses on perinatal loss.  It is difficult to share our story over and over again, but I need to know that we are doing everything we can to make a difference.  Gabriel had and continues to have such a huge impact on our lives...I want that impact to carry on to others...I want his life to continue to make a difference!  They informed me that they are down to only about 30 books (from our book drive in the spring)... to think of each book as a baby lost is heartbreaking.  The need far outweighs the resources.  My husband and I have discussed setting up a foundation in Gabriel's name to provide resources for stillbirth families.  I know this will take some time so meanwhile we will continue to collect books for the hospital.  Since they are running low on books we will begin collecting earlier.  Consider buying a book for a stillbirth family to share with their child at the hospital and take home as a cherished keepsake.

I am thankful for the leaps and bounds the medical community has come in the care of stillbirth families after their losses.  Tom's parents lost their daughter (his sister) to stillbirth over 30 years ago.  Our experience was far different from theirs.  We were given time to spend with Gabriel, had footprints and pictures taken and treated with care and respect.  I can't imagine the pain of not even given the choice of whether or not I wanted to see or hold my child.  Levine along with Kindermourn also do a butterfly release each year to honor all babies lost.  I am thankful for the ability to publicly honor our child and for Tom's parents now to do the same.  We had bricks engraved at the Children's Memorial Walkway at the park where the ceremony is done each year.


When October rolls around each year I can't help but to think of all of the families grieving silently because the topic of baby loss makes others uncomfortable.  I publicly talk about Gabriel and our miscarriages and honestly don't care anymore if it makes others uncomfortable.  I sit and listen to others tell stories about their children...my children are not here with me on earth, but they are just as much a part of my heart as the woman with her two year old playing in front of her.  It's more important for us to honor their memory than to worry about how it makes others feel.

We've lost some relationships over the last two years, but we've also gained some beautiful new ones.  I'm grateful for those that acknowledge our family in its entirety.  Just the other day someone asked to hear more about Gabriel...did I cry? Yes, but it did wonders for my soul.  Remember...you will never remind a baby loss parent of their loss...I promise you they never forget and most are honored to talk about their sweet babies!!


A picture from October 15th-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day!!!

Monday, August 18, 2014

and another due date approaches

I've mentioned before that hardly a month goes by that is not a special baby day and August is no exception.  Our last baby we lost in January was due August 19th...another baby that should be in our arms, but isn't.   Not only is it tough to think about our babies we've lost, but passing due dates and anniversaries is a reminder that time marches on...leaving us behind.  When I think that this awful journey began well over two years ago and we are no closer today than then to having a living baby in our arms...well to say it's depressing is an understatement.  We have had a few happy moments over the last two years, but when I think over these two years I only remember pain, heartache, and sadness...everything else is a blur.

We celebrated our 3rd anniversary last week and while I'm incredibly grateful for the man I married and our love for each other...I'm broken thinking that our marriage has really only known sadness.  I wish I could simply just choose joy like others suggest and our lives would no longer be full of sadness, but the truth is...our grief will always be there so even as you try to add joy...the joy doesn't ever take over because there is just so much grief.   The joy is seen through tear filled eyes...always.

Love and grief are intertwined so as long as I love all of our babies we've lost, well, the grief never leaves.  So tomorrow as we "celebrate" one of our baby's special day...we remember that our grief is a reminder our love.

I hope you continue to celebrate your arrival in Heaven little one...until we meet again...we miss you...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

family reunion

I've heard of the book and movie "Heaven is for Real" based on the true story of a little boy that survived an emergency appendectomy.  I haven't brought myself to watch the movie, but heard there is a scene where the little boy talks about meeting his sister in heaven (a miscarriage that he apparently didn't know about).  I saw the clip today which of course made me cry.  I hope with everything that I have that heaven is indeed for real and our babies are there waiting on us.  I was thinking...if heaven is for real we will have one heck of a family reunion...thinking of seeing Gabriel again and meeting all of his siblings...well, that's what keeps me going...keeps me believing.

http://ns2.aceshowbiz.com/video/download/00053565/

Friday, July 18, 2014

stages of grief

I was reading an article that talked about the stages of grief...we've all heard them:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The idea that all people (who are unique) follow this same pattern of grief is rather absurd.  Yes, I have felt a wide range of emotions, but often within the same day or even the same moment...some I haven't really felt at all and some I feel more often than others.  I don't know if I ever really felt denial...I remember the first few months felt like a nightmare and that I would wake from it at any moment...I remember waking up several times thinking I was still pregnant and relived the agony that he was gone over and over again those first few waking seconds.  I'm not sure that it was denial, but it just didn't seem real.  I've gone back and forth between anger and depression for most of this last year and a half...and I like I said I can feel both in the same moment.  The only time I felt I was bargaining with God were the two times I was pregnant after we lost Gabriel.  I felt that we had already been through so much that we "deserved" some joy in our lives (knowing full well that isn't how it works).  I remember prayers to God that were more like begging and promising that I would do anything if He would only save my baby.  I don't bargain with God anymore...I believe that some awful things have happened in our lives, but I don't believe they were orchestrated by God.  I have asked that God intervene in our lives...make himself known, but its not conditional.

 Acceptance however is a place I don't think I'll ever come to...I'll never be okay with the fact that my son is gone...I'll never accept that I never got to spend one minute holding my son while he was alive.  I'll never accept that I never got the opportunity to watch him grow up, smile, laugh, comfort him, etc.  I'm learning how to move forward...learning how to manage the sadness and the anger...that doesn't mean I accept what happened.  I also don't believe there is an end to the grief journey...I believe I will wrestle with these emotions for the rest of my life.  I mean how can I ever think of my son and truly be okay that he is not here?!?!?
I'm thankful to have loving and patient friends in my life...I know I'm not the easiest to love on these days, but I feel so loved by so many.  I still get caught up on those that weren't there for us, those that didn't support us, but my counselor kindly reminds me that I need to let those people go.  It's hard because while I forgive them, I know I could never depend on them or trust them...how can you have a REAL relationship with someone that you know won't be there when it matters most?  Well, you can't.  So, we are focusing our time and energy on the people that have been there for us because right now we need strength from others to help us move forward.

I'm not done being angry...I'm not done being sad...I doubt I'll ever accept what happened, but I am working towards moving forward...living in the present and planning for the future...but I can NEVER let go of the past because the past holds the most precious gifts.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

the ugly truth

Some people can't handle the truth...the ugly truth about living life after baby loss.  I keep a lot to myself because the judgment of others only causes more pain so I would rather keep some things to myself.  I've realized though that those that have walked this road before me also kept things to themselves and it hasn't helped "break the silence" so I wanted to share some hard truths tonight.

There is one thing that people say that makes me incredibly angry...if you have enough faith, eat right, exercise, go counseling etc. you can manage your depression.  Anyone that has truly lived in the depths of despair wouldn't dare utter those things to another human being.  Anyone that can say those things has never really lived depression or anxiety.   I have done all of those things, tried everything imaginable and most days it seems impossible to escape the darkness.  Most people don't know that in the months following Gabriel's death that I had to take medication to help me sleep.  I say had to because I tried so hard not to...I felt that taking something admitted that my faith was weak.  I would have night after night of either not sleeping or falling asleep bawling only to wake up a few hours later staring at darkness in complete and total fear and sadness.   This led to days filled with tears and anxiety and it was a viscious cycle.  The nights that I took sleeping pills I actually slept through the night and was better equipped to manage a new day.  I thankfully only needed them for a few months after he died.  I still have sleepless nights and night terrors, but fewer and fewer.

In January after our last miscarriage I ended up with some health issues and soon after  Tom had some health issues too.  We realized through all of our losses and own scary health problems that life was very fragile.  We both struggled with our anxiety.  I remembered so many nights lying in bed in complete fear...believing that if I fell asleep that I wasn't going to wake up...to the point that I wrote letters to my husband to read in the event of my death because I was so certain I wasn't going to live another day.  I also remember a few of his trips where he was traveling for work where I was in complete panic until I got word from him that his plane was on the ground.  It is a very hard place to live...please never judge someone who has had to take depression, anxiety, or sleeping meds!!!

One of the moms in my loss group was struggling deeply with depression after losing her daughter.  She said that her family was very anti medicine and tried convincing her to manage her depression naturally.  She saw a holistic doctor and nutritionist, did yoga, went to counseling, prayed...she would come to our forum to tell us how none of it was working and she felt like a failure which only compounded her depression.  She tried committing suicide one night and thankfully was unsuccessful, but was admitted for psychiatric care.  This was several months ago, but recently she posted about how much better she was doing on medication and that she was able to manage her life a bit better.  Thankfully, her story is not mine, but I completely understand her turmoil.  She wanted so desperately to "fix" her broken self and tried doing everything that everyone threw at her and when it didn't work she felt guilt and shame.

I've been a Christian a long time and I've struggled with my faith from time to time, but never anything like this last year and a half.  After all that we've been through...I still believe in God.  For anyone to insinuate that to continue to struggle through it shows a lack of faith has obviously never walked this ugly road.

Thankfully, we have some amazing people in our lives that continue to support us, but I know how difficult this road has been for so many other loss families and how much harder others make the journey for them.

Its hard to admit that you can't handle things on your own...its hard to admit that as much as you pray you still dont have the strength to start a new day sometimes...its hard to admit that sometimes you have to sleep until noon for the day to be shorter...its hard to admit that sometimes you need clinical help...so for all the things that are hard please be something that is easy for someone going through loss to handle.

Friday, July 4, 2014

time goes on while our life stands still

Today is the 4th of July.  Today is another heartbreaking reminder.  Obviously days like Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc. are hard for baby loss families, but there isn't a month/special occasion that hasn't been changed to a day of sadness for us.  I think that is one thing most people don't understand...that everything links to sadness for us.  Valentine's Day was the due date of our baby we lost after Gabriel, Tom's birthday was when we had our miscarriage before Gabriel, our anniversary is just a few days before our last baby's due date...and believe me I can go on and on!  When you think of all of the dates we found out, lost or were due with one of our babies, well...just about every month has a reminder of something sad.  Every special occasion has a bit of sadness.

On July 3rd two years ago I took a pregnancy test...it was barely positive...so I took another on the 4th and it was a nice strong line...I was pregnant again (with Gabriel).  We were scared because we already had experience with loss at that point, but we were hopeful and excited.  We had friends up to our lake house and I remember how hard it was to keep our wonderful little secret from them.  They brought wine and thought I was a dead giveaway when I didn't have a glass.  I remember laughing with them months later when we announced our good news.  2 years ago today was one of the happiest times in our lives, but as I sit here at our lake house with empty arms for another year...even the memories of happy times are tainted with sadness.  I don't think people can comprehend what its like to only have memories that contain sadness and to not have anything to look forward to this side of heaven.

We are merely surviving while time marches on for everyone else.  Its like watching a movie of everyone else's lives while we sit still...day after day.  We watch others rejoice and build memories and beautiful experiences.  We try to find joy...we try to force good days, but everything is tainted in sadness.  We are selling our lake home...and tonight we spent our last 4th on the water watching the fireworks.  It was beautiful, but as I watched I fought the tears thinking of what should be.  I can't believe two years have gone by...I see other's children grow up and celebrate birthdays, watch friend after friend get pregnant and add to their families...meanwhile we sit by and watch...mere observers and not active participators in life.

We still smile, we still laugh, but with every grin and chuckle there are tears ready to drop and we are not all present in any experience because part of us still resides in December 2012.  I wish it was different... I want it to be different and if I could will us out of sadness I would, but I can't, so we sit...and watch...and pray that we can one day find a way to live again.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Gabriel's daddy

Tom is an incredible husband...and I love him for it, but Tom is also an incredible father and it causes me to see him in a much more powerful way especially on days like today...Father's Day.  Tom has been a strong support to me over the last two difficult years and thankfully because of who he is our marriage hasn't suffered from all of the heartache, but today is not about the amazing husband he is to me rather the amazing father he is and has been for all of our children.

Tom never missed a single ultrasound visit with any of our babies.  He was there for the heartache of our first ultrasound of our first baby and he was there when we saw Gabriel's heartbeat for the first time.  He was there for all three excrutiating ultrasounds with our baby after Gabriel...and he was there when we celebrated Gabriel was a healthy baby and saw all his features for the first time at 12 weeks.  He was there when we saw our last baby didnt have a heartbeat and he was there when we learned Gabriel was a boy and we could call him by name.  He prayed for each of them while they were here...and talked to them in my womb. He loved to feel Gabriel kick and loved to read to him.  He was also their protector.  In their short life...he was always so careful to not let me lift anything or to expose me to any chemicals etc. while I was pregnant to protect our little ones.

He's also been a great father to them since we lost them.  He was present for every specialist appointment after Gabriel's death as we tried to learn more about him and why he died.  Tom has also honored our children in numerous ways including building the stone wall by our house that now houses flowers in honor of our children.  I saw his pain as he read Gabriel's book at Levine's butterfly release and as he spoke about the worst day of his life while serving on the nurse's parent panel at CMC...all in an effort to carry on Gabriel's legacy by helping other families.

I have a lot of memories of the day we learned that Gabriel died...the most haunting for me was seeing his heartbroken father when we received the devastating news.  I had envisioned so many father/son moments...Tom dressing him in his hockey jersey, reading to him as he fell asleep in his arms, teaching him to play soccer etc.  Sadly, I witnessed the most intimate of moments...a father holding his precious lifeless son in his arms.  If anyone deserves to be called a father...to be called daddy, it's my husband.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

?

I knew after Gabriel died that I could never get him back here on earth so I just asked God for answers.  I thought medical answers might help me heal and also thought they would help us know how to add to our family.  For those that have walked this journey with us you know we have looked at every possibility, gone through extensive testing and met with numerous specialist.  I've seen two different OBs, two different Maternal Fetal Specialist, a genetics counselor, a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a hematologist, a rheumatologist (not to mention the numerous specialist I've seen for my autoimmune issues)...and we have some great guesses, but we will never know medically why we lost Gabriel or my miscarriages.  I've learned that even if we did find the medical answer to the why question...well, we still don't really know WHY...the big WHY?...the WHY we ask God and not the doctors.

I recently received a Lupus diagnosis...still not sure the details because of conflicting test results, but it poses even more questions...especially for God.  It seems as though pregnancy triggered the Lupus to flare.  So not only have I lost all my babies, but as an added bonus God threw in a lifelong illness...God, I'm really struggling...I take one step closer to You and it feels as if you push me 5 steps back.  I felt a stab in the heart with each loss...each time I crawled until I could stand, cried out to God for His help and begged for mercy and just as I would begin to walk again I was stabbed in the heart all over again.  Each time I was slower to get up...this last time I wasn't sure I would ever get up...I struggled with God to the point of exhaustion and told Him that He wins.  I just barely got back to my feet this time (forget walking) and embraced the fact that my strength came from God and that I can't do this alone...I accepted that I wouldn't have sufficient answers here on earth, but my faith was still there.  I begged God for joy...I was so tired of darkness swallowing me up...God point me in the direction I need to follow!   Then before I put my next foot in front of the other I received a diagnosis...REALLY?!?!  I'm so tired...there isn't any fight left and hasn't been for awhile...if God wanted us broken well, we've been broken into so many pieces that we are barely recognizable... I don't even know who I am anymore.  I'm a Christian, but I find myself wanting a relationship with God more than there actually is one...I feel like God has His back turned toward me.  Deep down I know that isn't true, but when I hear others lay claim to miracles (new job, new house, new baby, new spouse, found cell phone, found money, etc.)...and I struggle believing that God had any part in it because if He did...where is my miracle?  I've found myself covered in tears lying on the floor of Gabriel's nursery sobbing, begging God to make himself known to me...make himself real...show me a miracle...but God can't because He is too busy helping someone else get a new job or find their car keys?!?!  How on earth can I accept that those are actually God intervened events?  I don't, but then I live in a world that God isn't present or involved in?  I don't accept that either.

So here I sit with no idea of what the future holds...a question mark....no idea why I had to say goodbye to my sweet babies...another question mark....and no idea where God is in all of this...the biggest question mark of all.

Friday, April 18, 2014

hope

A friend from church asked us a few weeks ago if she could write about our story and explained that she was writing about hope.  Instantly Tom and I had the same thought...our story?...surely she has the wrong couple!...we haven't had our happy ending yet...why would anyone associate our story with hope?!?!

I've been thinking a lot about hope...its an obvious topic to tackle when dealing with grief and loss.  In my post following our last miscarriage I talked about losing hope for our future.  After our first miscarriage, after losing Gabriel and after each of our miscarriages I heard many people say things like "Don't worry, you will have another baby one day" or "In God's time you will have a baby!" and my favorite "Don't give up hope, God will give you a baby!"  After our last loss I wanted to scream at anyone that said anything like that...Why?  because its bad theology...God makes us no promises that we will have an easy life and get everything we want...exactly the opposite, the Bible talks so much about trials, tribulation, pain and suffering...and He never promises a happy ending for us here on earth.

Many of us in the baby loss community write blogs...its a therapeutic way to get out your thoughts and feelings...mine is raw, its ugly at times, sad most of the time...and rarely ever does it give hope here on earth.  As I read several of my loss moms' blogs they are similar, but almost all of the loss moms I started this journey with have gone on to have their "rainbows".  Rainbow babies are babies that are born following a loss (a storm).  I've noticed that almost every blog ends with the rainbow baby's birth...they got their happy ending and they no longer write...sure they still have pain and sadness, but they now have joy to occupy their lives.  That's it?  End of their story?

Recently I came across another stillbirth blog, but it wasn't someone I knew...her baby's death was similar in timing to Gabriel's so I started reading from the beginning...I wish I hadn't.  If I had started at the end I would have gone no farther.  Her blog was similar in that it was raw, ugly, sad, angry etc.  I did notice that through the blog she never mentioned God or her faith etc...not uncommon, but I was curious what she believed about her baby and I kept reading.  The farther I got into the blog the more I realized she was really depressed...I don't mean deep sadness, I mean clinically depressed.  She was so desperate to have another baby and it wasn't happening and she sank deeper and deeper into depression.  Then there was a gap of a few months and then one last post from her husband.  He said his wife was struggling with finding the right depression meds and some were giving her severe migraines so she quit taking them.  He didn't go into detail, but said she wasn't feeling well one night and went to bed and she never woke up.  He didn't say if all of the different meds finally took its toll on her or if it was a different physical problem etc. , but that was it...the end of her story.  She got no happy ending, here on earth anyway.

I was so sad reading her blog...because most that I read do have a happy ending.  I started thinking more and more that we might not get a happy ending here on earth. If I think about it too much I too get depressed...Tom and I still very much want to have a baby to take home with us, but after the road we've traveled so far that hope is dwindling fast.   I started thinking more about the hope we have as Christians...the hope of heaven.  I believe God is real, I believe Heaven is real, I believe that my son and babies lost in miscarriage are in heaven, and I believe we will be reunited with them one day.  That is where my hope lies.  Its not a coping mechanism...although there are days that I just have to believe because the alternative is too much to bear, but my hope does lie in truth.

 When I accepted Christ into my life it wasn't a simple journey...my heart believed long before my head did...my rational mind had to wrap my head around all of these very irrational concepts.  I remember in college taking a life of Christ class where we learned about Jesus from a non-Biblical perspective.  I learned that outside of the Bible Jesus is talked about and mentioned in a variety of other historical documents.  In pagan writing he is often referred to as a magician etc. so not only did the man of Jesus Christ exist, but there was mystery surrounding him.  So whether you believe in the Bible or not you have to deal with the fact that Jesus lived...To quote C.S. Lewis my favorite Christian writer you have to do something with Jesus, you have to decide is he "lunatic, liar, or Lord"?  After reading the historical documents, well the leap to believing the Bible wasn't as big of a leap for me.  Trust me, I read enough historical literature that I had little doubt about what I was going to believe about Christ...my heart developed faith that took me the rest of the way.  I always thought...in the end (of this life) if I'm wrong, well I don't think I would have missed out on anything in life...no regrets and as a bonus I have the hope of Heaven.  Now, I feel differently...I can't imagine not having the hope of Heaven...I can't imagine this life being it...all there is.  I can't imagine that my son died for nothing and that he is just gone.  I can't imagine this being the end of our story.

For the longest time the movie Shawshank Redemption was my favorite (that was until they showed it a million times on TNT).  I loved all of the parallels to the Christian life.  There are several quotes in the movie that I love, but the theme of hope is common throughout.  The movie ends with Andy saying "Remember hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.  And nothing good ever dies."  Here is a clip from the end of the movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWJyI9OybWk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I am losing hope in some earthly things, but my hope in heaven is a different story...because God gives us a promise.

Jesus came to earth...he lived, he died...those are facts from history.  Why he came requires a small leap of faith.  He came so that we could in fact have the hope of Heaven...He died so that we could live.

John 3:16 -"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What you can do for a baby loss family!

A friend asked me the other day what she could do for another baby loss family and it got me thinking that I should put a list together.  I've read a lot of lists about what to say and what not to say, but not really anything about what you can do for a family suffering a baby loss.  These are not in ranking order because they are all important...they are just in the order I'm thinking of them.

1.  Dinner.  So many people brought us food in those initial days, but what was extremely helpful were those that brought food we could freeze and have another day.  When you are going through such grief there are a lot of days you just don't feel like eating.  Momma LuAnn brought us lots of frozen bowls of things like vegetable soup and chili which reheat easily and are enough food for those days you just need to take the hunger away, but not really feel like eating.  So especially for parents that don't have any living children to take care this is a great idea.

2.  Snacks.  I never would have thought of this, but my friend Stephanie made a beautiful basket with all sorts of snacks.  This was so nice because we didn't feel like grocery shopping but needed some things to eat throughout the day.  Often snacks were better than dinner for us because we didn't often feel like eating a big meal.

3.  Flowers.  We told people to make a donation instead of sending us flowers, but several people sent flowers anyway and they were beautiful and so nice to have around.  Tom's parents sent flowers on my birthday too which was a week before Gabriel's due date so especially meaningful.  The flowers can be anytime, not just the week following the death.

4.  Cards.  We received so many cards in the mail and even in this day of technology there is nothing like a card so instead of an email, text, or a Facebook post...send a card.  The other thing I really appreciated were cards that came weeks and months later.  We still have friends that send a random thinking of you card and it means so much to know that people are thinking of you months later.  My friend Amelia is the best at sending cards and sent one on Gabriel's birthday...meant so much to know that someone else was thinking of our son on his birthday.

5.  Books.  I still have many books that I haven't read yet because they were hard to read initially, but there comes a day when a person is ready and will pick up the book they've been staring at for months.  This is especially a good idea for people that don't know what to say, give a book and let the experts say it :).  There are many baby loss books out there and here are a few:
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
Grieving the Child I Never Knew
Empty Arms

6.  Jewelry.  Any kind of sentimental jewelry is appropriate... lockets, charms etc.  If you can find a way to personalize it with the child's name or birthstone etc.

7.  Thoughtful Gifts. We received some very thoughtful gifts since Gabriel died.  We have a lot of willow tree decorations and our neighbor got us a willow tree angel that still sits on display.  On Mother's Day a friend gave me framed art of Gabriel's name.  On Christmas Tom's sister gave us a beautiful plaque with the words to the hymn we used to sing to Gabriel.  Tom's other sister gave us the words to now I lay me down to sleep with Gabriel's name on it in a frame at Gabriel's memorial.   We received prayer shawls from my former co-workers and one of Toms cousins.  These gifts are especially meaningful on the days long after the loss when many forget...Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, anniversary of the baby's death etc.  It feels so good to know that others thought enough to do something special on those extra tough days.

8.  Donations in the child's name.  Making a donation to an organization important to the family in their child's name is extremely meaningful.  If you don't know what organization is important to them First Candle is a wonderful baby loss organization whose focus is on research and advocacy in the area of stillbirth and SIDS.  At First Candle you can make a donation in a child's name and if you know their address they will send the family a card recognizing the donation with their child's name.  We set up a permanent memorial fund for Gabriel there and if you are a close family member you could set one up in their child's name.  We had so many friends, family and coworkers make donations in Gabriel's name there.

9.  Service.  While we were in the hospital our friends Stephanie and Julie took care of our dog Lily.  What I didn't know until after we got home was that they cleaned our house and did our laundry.  If they would have asked me I would have refused, but it was so sweet of them and so nice to come home to a clean home.  If you are a neighbor you could offer to mow their grass etc.  It is a very humbling experience for a family to let someone in to do those kinds of things so don't make a big deal about it and don't wait for them to ask.  If you see dishes in the sink, just do them.

10.  Be there.  I had so many friends that were there inviting us to do things etc. and we weren't always up for it, but it felt good to be asked.  Most of our friends never pressured, but also made known that they were there when we were ready to get out and we eventually did.  I also think of my sister that remembers every appointment or test we are going through and always asks about it.  She is just there if I need to vent because I'm having a bad day.   Be available for when they need you!

11.  Encouragement.  My friend Shannon is the constant encourager.  I can't tell you how many letters I received or emails showing her support and encouraging me with Scripture.  This is a hard line to balance though because so many people say the wrong things, but stick to acknowledging their pain, that you are sorry and letting them know they are in your thoughts and prayers.  Avoid trying to come up with reasons for their loss or lessons their grief will teach them.

12.  Pray.  When the family comes to your mind, pray for them.  After you pray for them let the family know you prayed for them or ask them how to pray for them.  We had so many appointments and went through so much testing it felt good to know that we had people praying for us during all of that.  We also had days that it was almost impossible to get out of bed...notes telling me I was being prayed for gave me the strength I needed for that day.  I really appreciated those out of the blue notes...they always seemed to find me on my hardest days.

13.  Don't forget.  I promise you that the family that lost their baby will never forget so acknowledging their pain and letting them know you are thinking of them will not remind them of their loss.  Tom and I both have received so many thoughtful notes and messages from people and often people we are not in regular contact with to say how sorry they are or that they are praying for us.  Even now over a year later I get random notes and yes they make me cry, but that pain was already there and it is eased just a little by someone remembering.

14.  Use their baby's name.  I don't care who it is...it is always so much more personal when someone uses Gabriel's name.

15.  Be patient.  If you invite a baby loss mom to coffee don't take offense if they don't take you up on it right away.  Just let them know you are there and ask again in a few weeks so they know you are still around.  Baby loss families don't ever "get over" their loss, but in time they start to resume some normal activities.  Be patient as they figure out their new normal and how to re-enter  the world around them.  The more patient you are with them the more likely they will be to be comfortable around you.

16.  Be sensitive.  Picture a baby loss mom or dad with the words fragile written on them.  If a box said fragile you would carry it differently than one that didn't.  Remember that there are triggers for them.  I wouldn't ask about their future family planning unless they bring it up.  I remember just weeks after Gabriel died people asked me if we were planning to adopt and Tom and I hadn't had those conversations yet so I wasn't ready to talk about them with others.  I also remember a few friends struggled to know how to let me know about their new pregnancies.  This is something to do personally, you don't want them to hear it from someone else because I know for me I hated getting caught of guard or surprised especially in front of other people.  Write a personal note to the mom and let her know that you realize this is a sensitive subject, but you are thinking of them.  I remember the sweetest note from Amelia announcing that she was expecting her 2nd child and in it she said to feel free to block her on Facebook etc.   She understood my pain and I didn't have to feel guilty.

I'm sure there is more, but those are the things I appreciated the most.  I've had old high school and college friends, old co workers etc. all reach out to me at various points along our journey and am deeply touched because it would be easy for them to pretend they didn't know.  I'm also thankful for the family and friends that have made this journey easier.  Hopefully this list will help you make the journey easier for someone else.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

2nd annual Gabriel's books for little angels

This year we raised 62 books for CMC hospital!!!  Last year we raised over 130...so with both collections we have raised almost 200 books...that is almost 1 book for every baby loss family at CMC Main for two years.  They usually have over 100 losses a year (not including all the losses of babies in the NICU!!!).

I pray that these books help to create lasting memories for the families with their babies and a treasure that they can keep always.  Thank you to everyone that participated this year and last year to help honor our son...we are so grateful!

We are also honored to serve on a parent panel at CMC on April 24th to help educate nurses on baby loss.  We will be delivering our books on that day!

We really wanted to do something positive in Gabriel's memory and something that would help other loss parents...but we couldn't have done this without the support.

Please know that while we appreciate the donations we appreciate all of the beautiful encouragement that we've received...from the days following his passing until now. Dear friends and family that brought us food, sent flowers, cards...a few good friends even cleaned our home in those days following his death...the grief didn't end in those weeks following so I am so thankful for those that have weeped with us and continue to weep with us even now.  I have truly been blessed with some amazing people in my life and thankful for those that have held my hand along the way because most days you can't get through alone.   My heart is overwhelmed when I receive a card or letter from someone now...over a year after his death.  A few sweet friends sent birthday cards on Gabriels birthday and it means so much that he impacted their lives too.  I am especially thankful to those that are sensitive to our broken hearts and have treated us with such compassion over this last year...no judgement, no frustration...only grace as we continue to heal.  Thank you for all of the love, prayers and support!

Thank you to the following for their very generous book donations:
Joyce Ray (5)
Matt Sederburg & Cara Balch (5)
Ally Price (4)
Emily Abernathy (4)
Beth & Brian White (3)
Tori Springate (3)
Sherry Lee (3)
Jeff and Ann  Tolbert (3)
Cathy and Tim Anderson (3)
Jamie Ruzekowicz (2)
Tiffany Bailey (2)
Monica Smith
Stephanie Wade
Lucy Larmondra
Emily & Gray Riley
Stephanie Hahn
Sandra Etherington
Carol Valentine
Robyn Conkey
Katie Darst
Emily Keith
Katy Fitzgerald
Julie Phillips
Amelia Barrows
Christy Takach
Allison Megahey
Ludmilla Bullock
David & Mendy Henderson
Maria Chiarino
Linda Clark-Borre
Jamie Larmondra
Melissa Tapp
Tom & Susie Larmondra
Shannon McKay
Rebekah Zimmerman

Also thank you to Amelia Barrows for her donation to Gabriel's Memorial Fund at First Candle on Gabriel's birthday!  First Candle does research and advocacy in the areas of stillbirth and SIDS.
http://www.firstcandle.org
Gabriel's Memorial Fund

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Broken Hallelujah

The words are so perfect to this song and exactly where I am.

I pray that God makes beauty from these ashes!

http://freeccm.com/2013/11/05/the-afters-broken-hallelujah-lyric-video/

wrestling with God

The day of my 13 week ultrasound with Gabriel was the closest I ever felt to God. That day seeing the beautiful life growing within me...well, not only was I filled with complete joy, but there wasn't an ounce of doubt that God was real and that He brought this little miracle into my life and all of sudden the world made sense.  The day we found out that Gabriel died was the farthest I've ever been from God.  My world came crashing down and I felt no loving God could possibly take this precious life from me.  I was filled with grief those days following his death and birth...and although the grief is different now...I'm still grieving every minute of every day.  Some people try to understand the grief, but very few really understand the ugly process that grief takes you through.  It is intense sadness, but it is so much more than that...the best way I can describe my spiritual journey this last year and a half is to say I've been wrestling with God.  Yesterday was beyond a tough day for me and honestly I believe I'm down for the count...God you win!

There are people in our life that have no clue what this last 2 years have been like for us.  Stillbirth, miscarriage, and recurrent pregnancy loss are amongst the words used to explain our situation, but the reality is we have lost baby, after baby, after baby, after baby...it has been absolutely devastating and crippling.  We lost our son which is the worst thing most people can imagine...but just as we began to take a step forward after our first loss, we would take a million steps back after each and every loss.  This last loss...well, not only did we feel emotionally and spiritually crippled, but physically crippled as well.  Tom and I both have had a lot of health issues since January...2 years of pain and wrestling with God finally took its toll on us.  We are broken. I thought I knew what broken was as various points in my life...not even close.  Broken is having to write letters to all of the sweet babies you've lost because you don't want to get any of the memories blurred because there have been so many.  Broken is wrapping up a picture of your husband holding your sweet, but dead baby and giving it to him on your son's birthday.  Broken is giving encouragement to a dear friend saying that your natural miscarriage at 9 weeks was the least terrible process of all your losses as she is preparing to go through the same.  Broken is having someone tell you that your pain is too much for others to deal with and that they are the ones in need of support in dealing with you.  Broken is having to answer the question of how many children you have..."one we held in our arms that is not here on earth, but others we never even saw except on an ultrasound screen" is a total mood killer.  Broken is having to write on the back of a specialist form because there wasn't enough room on the front to write in all the gestational ages of your babies and when you lost them.  Broken is looking at your calendar having trouble finding a month that you didnt either lose a baby in or one was supposed to be born.  We are broken.   We are crippled.  We are no longer the same.  We are changed.

I wish that people could read that list each time before they address me or ignore me or whatever it is they choose to do with me.  Not because I want pity...actually the opposite.  In our culture we see sadness and fear as a weakness, but I will tell you that going through all of the things on that list requires strength...it just that I don't have any of my own left anymore...the strength that it takes to get up each day, the strength that it takes to go through losing baby after baby after baby after baby...comes from God.  God uses others to give us strength...I am forever grateful for the people that have surrounded us with support, but even more thankful for the people that have shown us grace.  You see...I told you the grieving process is ugly...there are people that put on a mask during the grieving process so you don't see the ugly because most people don't want to see it...it makes them uncomfortable.  We've chosen to be real with our grief so you see not only the deep sadness, but the anger too.  I've been angry...I've been angry with God, I've been angry at those that abandoned us, and I've been angry at myself.  I'm too tired to be angry anymore...I'm too tired too fight, I'm too tired to wrestle with God any longer.  I surrender!

I've wrestled with God and God won.  My heart's desire was to have a family to love and cherish.  I have a family...not the family I envisioned, but I have a family and one that I cherish...each and every baby.  I understand unconditional love better than most and I understand the sacrifice that God made for us better than most.  My life is not my own...I never really understood that before, but I do now.   Lord, I submit to you!

In Genesis 32 Jacob physically wrestled with God and he was literally crippled the rest of his life.  We are also crippled...we are humbled...we are nothing.  We need God.  I'm reminded tonight of this scripture:

Luke 9:24 " For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

Friday, March 14, 2014

2nd annual drive for Gabriel's books for little angels

Last March in honor of Gabriel's due date we decided to do a book drive for CMC (where we delivered Gabriel) in his memory.  For those that don't know the meaning behind it, basically we loved reading to Gabriel.  I'm a teacher and always wanted the routine of reading to my children before bed.  We started that routine while Gabriel was still in the womb.  It was "our thing" and our way of bonding with him in the womb.  After Gabriel was born it seemed only natural to want to read to him, but we weren't prepared to lose him when we went to the hospital so we didn't have any books with us.  We looked up stories on our phones to read.  We felt the best way to honor Gabriel and give back to those who experience similar losses was to do a book drive.  We selected the book "Wherever you are my love will find you".  Our goal was to raise enough books so that every baby loss family at CMC Main would get one.  We wanted them to have a book to be able to share a special moment with their child and also a keepsake to take home with them.  Keepsakes from the hospital are all we have so everyone is so precious to us.

Thankfully last year we raised over 130 books...enough books to last over a year.  They had approximately 110 fetal losses in 2013.  The hospital was so greatful for the books and told us how much it meant to the families.   They are willing to purchase additional books that we are unable to raise with our drive so I hope that we are able to raise at least half of their yearly need and more is even better.  So our goal this year is 50 books in hopes that we come even closer to their yearly need of over a hundred.

You can purchase a book through the amazon link below that will ship directly to us or you can deliver them to me in person if you live close.  My Patriots family was so generous last year and I will leave a bin again this year in Brittany Keith's room for those that want to drop them off at the school.

Last year we received numerous books through Amazon with no names so please leave a gift note letting us know who the book is from.  Also, we chose this book instead of the board book so that we can place an inscription in front of the book.  If anyone finds a Spanish version the hospital would be interested in those as well!

We should be celebrating our son's birthday around this time, but we are thankful to have a way to show him how much we and everyone else cares about him and all of the babies lost too soon!

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3M0Y47I2MC7PD/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_o_C-1

Thursday, January 23, 2014

the unlucky percentage

My doctor called yesterday to let us know they were unable to get any test results on our last loss.  My OB told me we had a 80-90% chance of getting conclusive results.  The OB that did the procedure said she has only had 3-4 in her career come back inconclusive.   So once again we fall into the small unlucky percentage.  So once again we have no answers for any of our losses.

Miscarriages happen in about 25% of pregnancies, about 1- 2% of couples suffer from recurrent miscarriages, less than 1% of pregnancies end in stillbirth.  I just wonder what the percentage of having recurrent miscarriages and a stillbirth and no results  are.

Even in my baby loss community there is envy...comparing your situation to others.  I remember joining a group after my first miscarriage and feeling lucky after hearing other people's stories.  Now, our story is the story that makes other people feel lucky.  I've met many moms that have had multiple miscarriages and I've met many other stillbirth moms, but haven't met a mom yet that have gone through both and have no living children.

How long do we have to live in the unlucky percentage?  I used to wonder when things would work out for us...now I wonder if.  I know that God doesn't promise an easy life for believers, but its so hard to watch everything seem so easy for everyone else.

 Right now I need to focus on how I fall into the lucky percentage...I am married to the love of my life...so thankful to have him to walk on this journey with...as hard as its been.

Friday, January 17, 2014

54 weeks

We are currently grieving the loss of another baby.  I know I have a few dedicated readers and likely the same wonderful people that have prayed for us over this last year, that's why I'm posting this here and not in a public forum like Facebook.  We've shared our loss with only a handful of people each time because it is hard to go through this kind of pain publicly, but we've shared our pain with those that have been by our side through this whole journey...because although we want to grieve privately we know we need the prayers and support of those that care most about us.

 We've entered every pregnancy with different feelings...each pregnancy a little less hopeful than the last.  The circle of hope turning to heartbreak over and over has finally taken its toll on us.  I calculated today that over the last two years I've spent 54 weeks being pregnant.  Now that includes weeks being pregnant before I knew I was pregnant and weeks knowing the pregnancy wasn't viable while waiting to miscarry...but in any event I've spent over a year of my life pregnant...and two years later we are no where closer to holding a screaming baby in our arms.

After Gabriel died I was completely heartbroken, but still filled with hope that we would give him a brother or sister one day.  Today, I'm not only heartbroken over the loss of losing my son, but all of my babies...and hope is vanishing.  It's been a different kind of heartbreak this time.

We are still looking for answers...clinical answers and spiritual ones.  After hours, days, weeks, months of research I'm now an expert in Group B strep, positive ANA, paracentric inversions, blood clotting disorders, etc. and still we sit here with empty arms.  I've spent hours, days, weeks, months in prayer, church, bible study etc. and still we sit here with empty arms.  We have no answers...our hope is fading.  I wish I could say it wasn't meant to be for us and move on with our lives, but how do I ignore the strong desire in my heart to carry our baby, feel it kick, deliver it and hear it cry.  Though my hope is fading....my desire has not...it's only gotten stronger.  If I hadn't experienced the joy of carrying Gabriel maybe I would accept our lot in life and move on, but being pregnant with Gabriel was life changing...the most beautiful experience of my life to carry the product of the love of me and my husband.  How do I not want to do that again except with a different ending?  So here we are...two people who love each other immensely that want nothing more in life than to have a baby, but little hope left to carry us there.

54 weeks...over a year spent hoping...how long until all hope runs out?