stages of grief

I was reading an article that talked about the stages of grief...we've all heard them:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The idea that all people (who are unique) follow this same pattern of grief is rather absurd.  Yes, I have felt a wide range of emotions, but often within the same day or even the same moment...some I haven't really felt at all and some I feel more often than others.  I don't know if I ever really felt denial...I remember the first few months felt like a nightmare and that I would wake from it at any moment...I remember waking up several times thinking I was still pregnant and relived the agony that he was gone over and over again those first few waking seconds.  I'm not sure that it was denial, but it just didn't seem real.  I've gone back and forth between anger and depression for most of this last year and a half...and I like I said I can feel both in the same moment.  The only time I felt I was bargaining with God were the two times I was pregnant after we lost Gabriel.  I felt that we had already been through so much that we "deserved" some joy in our lives (knowing full well that isn't how it works).  I remember prayers to God that were more like begging and promising that I would do anything if He would only save my baby.  I don't bargain with God anymore...I believe that some awful things have happened in our lives, but I don't believe they were orchestrated by God.  I have asked that God intervene in our lives...make himself known, but its not conditional.

 Acceptance however is a place I don't think I'll ever come to...I'll never be okay with the fact that my son is gone...I'll never accept that I never got to spend one minute holding my son while he was alive.  I'll never accept that I never got the opportunity to watch him grow up, smile, laugh, comfort him, etc.  I'm learning how to move forward...learning how to manage the sadness and the anger...that doesn't mean I accept what happened.  I also don't believe there is an end to the grief journey...I believe I will wrestle with these emotions for the rest of my life.  I mean how can I ever think of my son and truly be okay that he is not here?!?!?
I'm thankful to have loving and patient friends in my life...I know I'm not the easiest to love on these days, but I feel so loved by so many.  I still get caught up on those that weren't there for us, those that didn't support us, but my counselor kindly reminds me that I need to let those people go.  It's hard because while I forgive them, I know I could never depend on them or trust them...how can you have a REAL relationship with someone that you know won't be there when it matters most?  Well, you can't.  So, we are focusing our time and energy on the people that have been there for us because right now we need strength from others to help us move forward.

I'm not done being angry...I'm not done being sad...I doubt I'll ever accept what happened, but I am working towards moving forward...living in the present and planning for the future...but I can NEVER let go of the past because the past holds the most precious gifts.