the ugly truth

Some people can't handle the truth...the ugly truth about living life after baby loss.  I keep a lot to myself because the judgment of others only causes more pain so I would rather keep some things to myself.  I've realized though that those that have walked this road before me also kept things to themselves and it hasn't helped "break the silence" so I wanted to share some hard truths tonight.

There is one thing that people say that makes me incredibly angry...if you have enough faith, eat right, exercise, go counseling etc. you can manage your depression.  Anyone that has truly lived in the depths of despair wouldn't dare utter those things to another human being.  Anyone that can say those things has never really lived depression or anxiety.   I have done all of those things, tried everything imaginable and most days it seems impossible to escape the darkness.  Most people don't know that in the months following Gabriel's death that I had to take medication to help me sleep.  I say had to because I tried so hard not to...I felt that taking something admitted that my faith was weak.  I would have night after night of either not sleeping or falling asleep bawling only to wake up a few hours later staring at darkness in complete and total fear and sadness.   This led to days filled with tears and anxiety and it was a viscious cycle.  The nights that I took sleeping pills I actually slept through the night and was better equipped to manage a new day.  I thankfully only needed them for a few months after he died.  I still have sleepless nights and night terrors, but fewer and fewer.

In January after our last miscarriage I ended up with some health issues and soon after  Tom had some health issues too.  We realized through all of our losses and own scary health problems that life was very fragile.  We both struggled with our anxiety.  I remembered so many nights lying in bed in complete fear...believing that if I fell asleep that I wasn't going to wake up...to the point that I wrote letters to my husband to read in the event of my death because I was so certain I wasn't going to live another day.  I also remember a few of his trips where he was traveling for work where I was in complete panic until I got word from him that his plane was on the ground.  It is a very hard place to live...please never judge someone who has had to take depression, anxiety, or sleeping meds!!!

One of the moms in my loss group was struggling deeply with depression after losing her daughter.  She said that her family was very anti medicine and tried convincing her to manage her depression naturally.  She saw a holistic doctor and nutritionist, did yoga, went to counseling, prayed...she would come to our forum to tell us how none of it was working and she felt like a failure which only compounded her depression.  She tried committing suicide one night and thankfully was unsuccessful, but was admitted for psychiatric care.  This was several months ago, but recently she posted about how much better she was doing on medication and that she was able to manage her life a bit better.  Thankfully, her story is not mine, but I completely understand her turmoil.  She wanted so desperately to "fix" her broken self and tried doing everything that everyone threw at her and when it didn't work she felt guilt and shame.

I've been a Christian a long time and I've struggled with my faith from time to time, but never anything like this last year and a half.  After all that we've been through...I still believe in God.  For anyone to insinuate that to continue to struggle through it shows a lack of faith has obviously never walked this ugly road.

Thankfully, we have some amazing people in our lives that continue to support us, but I know how difficult this road has been for so many other loss families and how much harder others make the journey for them.

Its hard to admit that you can't handle things on your own...its hard to admit that as much as you pray you still dont have the strength to start a new day sometimes...its hard to admit that sometimes you have to sleep until noon for the day to be shorter...its hard to admit that sometimes you need clinical help...so for all the things that are hard please be something that is easy for someone going through loss to handle.