I'm not alone

Although I feel completely alone most days and that life has moved on and left me behind...I am so thankful for the handful of friends and family that have been dedicated to encourage and pray for us over the last few months.  I am thankful for those that have hurt right alongside of us while lifting us up at the same time.  Yesterday we had an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and it was a hard day for me, but what got me through was the sweet texts/emails/calls that I received letting me know that prayers were being lifted up.  I've needed those prayers because there are days that I just can't pray myself...I know that those are the days that God lays us on the hearts of others.

I honestly didn't think that we would ever get answers about what happened to Gabriel, but yesterday we were told that Gabriel most likely died from an infection.  I had hoped that answers would bring me closure, but right now my heart is just broken.  The idea that my baby boy died from something that could have been prevented or cured with a round of antibiotics is more than I feel like I can handle.  The doctor said we did nothing wrong and there was nothing we could have done, but I feel like he was saying that so that I didn't carry any guilt.  The doctor said by the time I noticed his movement decreasing that Gabriel was probably too sick for help at that point, but I will always wonder if only I would have gone to the hospital sooner maybe he would still be here.  And where does God fit into this?  Could God not have found a way to let me know that my baby was sick?  Could He not have found a way to prevent him from getting sick?  Now that we know that Gabriel was a normally developing baby that just got sick...why didn't God save him?

I know that I need to focus on the positive...that this isn't likely to happen again in the future if we are lucky enough to try this again, but how do I think about the future and not be sad that Gabriel is not here.

Although I'm brokenhearted...it does my soul good to know that God has placed some truly beautiful people into our lives to walk with us on this journey.  We even got a gift in the mail from a stranger that heard about Gabriel.  I am glad to know that there are others that loved Gabriel too and that we are not alone.  I know those people know who they are...because they are likely the ones reading this blog. 

the dust has settled

A few weeks after we lost Gabriel I put most of his things away in his room. We still have his handprints/pictures up, but all of the baby things and even anything pregnancy related is put away.  His clothes are put away in drawers and momentos are sitting on display on his dresser.  It is so painful to see those things on a day to day basis so I shut the door to Gabriel's room and I rarely go in there.  I got something in the mail from First Candle the other day and needed to put it in Gabriel's room.  I went in and immediately started crying.  It's always hard seeing his things, but what bothered me more was that the first thing I noticed was that the room still smelled like new furniture.  I then went to the dresser and noticed dust collecting on the furniture.  Why do my wounds still feel so fresh if dust has already settled? 

It still hurts so much and even though I don't cry 24 hours a day I feel like I am on the verge of tears most of the time.  It's weird that most people don't want to bring Gabriel up to me because I think they are afraid that it will open up wounds, but what they don't realize is that he is at the forefront of my mind most of the time and if he is not at the forefront it's only briefly.  No one is going to do anything to make me think of him when I don't want to because I'm already thinking of him...always.  Time keeps ticking away and life has gone on, but I still miss Gabriel like I lost him yesterday.  The dust has settled on everything but my heart.

2 months

2 months...it's hard to believe that it's been 2 months since we said goodbye to our sweet boy.  Yesterday (the 16th) I remember thinking it would be the 17th tomorrow and it would be Gabriel's 2 month angelversary date. This morning I forgot...I didn't forget about Gabriel, I said good morning while looking at his picture, put his cross on etc.  I went to the store and as I got in the car and started driving I started crying because I almost forgot this morning what day it was.  How could I possibly forget...and as if I don't feel enough guilt for not being the best mother to Gabriel...I almost forgot what day it was. 

Today isn't any different than yesterday other than it's another terrible milestone that we hit...I still miss him the same as if it happened yesterday.  There will be a lot of milestones ahead and those days will be hard, but then again so will all of the in between days.  Each day I get up I wonder how I am going to get through another day.  No one really knows the anguish that my heart is in each day...just because I'm no longer in tears all day (only when I'm alone) I think people think that I am doing "okay".  Truth is that I feel very alone most of the time.  We were surrounded by support when Gabriel died and so thankful, but slowly everyone goes back to normal and the cards stop coming and the flowers die, but our hearts are still left broken.  I am unbelievably thankful for the handful of people that have continued to "be there" for us.  I have some amazing people in my life that always check up on me and let me know that they are still praying and that they miss Gabriel too.  It sounds weird, but it helps me to know that Gabriel is missed by somebody other than us...that he will be remembered by somebody other than us.  I know that those are the people that continue to read this blog. 

Gabriel's books for little angels

I'm trying to find a way to honor Gabriel and make his approaching due date not so depressing.  Our favorite thing that we did when I was pregnant was read to Gabriel at night.  Maybe it's the teacher in me that wanted the tradition of reading to my child every night so we started while he was in the womb (and so glad we did and have those precious memories).  When we were at the hospital after delivering Gabriel we wanted to read to him, but we didn't have any books with us.  We looked up the words on our phone so we could read to our sweet boy.  So I thought that a great way to honor Gabriel would be to have people donate books to the hospital so that they can give them to the parents that lose their babies so they have something to read to their children and a great memory to take home with them.  I've been in contact with the hospital and I need to send them copies of possible books so that they can take them to a committee for approval in two weeks.  I really hope that this is something that they want to do because I really want to do something uplifting for Gabriel for his due date.  Next month is going to be hard...the 14th is his due date and my birthday is the 21st...I remember thinking I wanted Gabriel to hold out an extra week so he would come on my birthday so I would have a great birthday gift.  I had no idea how things would turn out, but regardless...Gabriel is the best gift I've ever been given.  I'm heartbroken because I didn't have enough time with him, but I cherish every moment that I did.  He changed my life forever...and he truly was a gift!

UPDATE!!!  CMC approved my idea and we will start collecting books now!  The book that we want to collect is called "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You"  Although this book was not written for this situation, the title says it all regardless. 

Gabriel, I love you little man and hope that you can smile knowing that you are being remembered in the best way that I know how! Now let's see how many books we can raise. 

For those that want to purchase a book here is a link to my wishlist on Amazon.  You can also find the book at most Target locations if you want to give me the book in person.  http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3M0Y47I2MC7PD/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_o_C-1

 I hope to collect all of the books at the end of the month so that we can take them all to the hospital at once.  Our goal is to raise 100 books!

denial

This has been one of the most emotional weeks as of yet.  We are back to square one trying to find out what happened to Gabriel.  So I am back to where I was in the first few weeks replaying everything back in my mind and feeling so guilty for everything that I did or didn't do that may have possibly had anything to do with losing him.  I am so completely broken.  The timing was poor that we got this news (our test results) the same week that I went back to work.  Going back to work was a smack in the face that life is going on without my baby boy here.  I realized this week that I may have been in denial these last few months because now that I am back at work I'm being forced to accept the fact that Gabriel is gone and he's not going to be arriving in the next few weeks.  I will keep working while his nursery remains empty. I won't be awaken by cries in the night, nurse my son in the rocking chair, change diapers at 3a.m. or snuggle him in early mornings.  I won't get to listen to his first coos, see his first smile, or look into his eyes.   All I will ever have are the memories of my sweet boy...I'm already forgetting what it feels like to hold him in my arms or feel his skin next to mine.  Thankfully I have pictures so that I can look at his beautiful face every day or else those memories would start to fade too.   

Gabriel is gone...it's hard to say, but even harder to believe. 

sign or coincidence?

Today was  my second day back at work.  I am in a new position now so most of the students didn't know me prior to losing Gabriel.  I have a cross necklace that has some of Gabriel's ashes in it so that he can be close to me...today two students told me that they liked my necklace...one student was a little girl, the other was a boy named Gabriel.  In most situations I would feel like it was a coincidence, but how many 4th grade boys actually comment on women's jewelry?  I'm trying to not read anything into it, but at the same time I've asked God numerous times to try to communicate to me and let me know that my son was with Him and that he knew that I loved him.  Can or would God use a 4th grade boy to make a comment on a piece of jewerly?  I honestly don't know, but it made me cry nonetheless.  I really do hope that Gabriel knows about me and knows how much I love him...I think if I knew that for sure it would make this process a little easier.

nightmare

So I've had to take something to help me sleep almost every night since we lost Gabriel (I still have trouble saying he died).  Night time is the hardest for me...I lay in bed with nothing to distract me and I think about what should have been.  Anyway, I know that I need to learn to go to sleep without help so I try every once in awhile and it never turns out well.  I have a lot of bad dreams...not always related to Gabriel, but often they are.  Sometimes I remember the dreams and sometimes I don't, but either way they still wake me with the same ugly/sad/scary feeling.  For a brief moment when I realize that I was just dreaming I feel a sense of relief because whatever the scary or sad thing that was happening in the dream is not real.  Then reality hits me like a brick...for the first time in my life...my reality is more sad and scary then the nightmares themselves.