denial

This has been one of the most emotional weeks as of yet.  We are back to square one trying to find out what happened to Gabriel.  So I am back to where I was in the first few weeks replaying everything back in my mind and feeling so guilty for everything that I did or didn't do that may have possibly had anything to do with losing him.  I am so completely broken.  The timing was poor that we got this news (our test results) the same week that I went back to work.  Going back to work was a smack in the face that life is going on without my baby boy here.  I realized this week that I may have been in denial these last few months because now that I am back at work I'm being forced to accept the fact that Gabriel is gone and he's not going to be arriving in the next few weeks.  I will keep working while his nursery remains empty. I won't be awaken by cries in the night, nurse my son in the rocking chair, change diapers at 3a.m. or snuggle him in early mornings.  I won't get to listen to his first coos, see his first smile, or look into his eyes.   All I will ever have are the memories of my sweet boy...I'm already forgetting what it feels like to hold him in my arms or feel his skin next to mine.  Thankfully I have pictures so that I can look at his beautiful face every day or else those memories would start to fade too.   

Gabriel is gone...it's hard to say, but even harder to believe.