I think of all of the cliches that I've heard since Gabriel's passing this one bothers me the most "Everything happens for a reason!" Really?!?! So if someone makes a terrible choice and decides to rob a store and shoot the clerk there is a reason that happened? In that case I believe it's just free will playing itself out and the clerk and clerk's family are paying the price of someone's bad choices. God gave us free will and he didn't cause the person to shoot the clerk. Now, can God take that horrible situation and bring some good out of it...yes, I do believe that, but I think that the clerk didn't HAVE to die in order for God to work in their lives. I believe that He just uses the circumstances that we are in, but I don't believe that He CREATES the circumstances in order to use them as teaching lessons.
So bad things happen sometimes right? Well, I can accept the idea of being a victim of free will...if I lost Gabriel in a car accident because I was hit by a drunk driver for example...someone made a bad choice and we were the victims. I would be angry and the pain wouldn't be any less etc., but it would be easier to understand how it could happen and why it happened. I do struggle with the "bad things" that have no human origin (that we know of anyway). I struggle even more with the concept that we had some sort of grand lesson to learn from this experience (Everything happens for a reason) and that we could not have learned it in any other possible way. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that God could be as cruel as to teach us a lesson in this way or that Gabriel HAD to die in order for something else to happen or for Tom and I to learn something.
Now, back to the crappy things...how much control does God actually have over the things that happen? We say that God is all powerful, but is He?!?! We now know that Gabriel did not have a heartbeat probably for at least a day or more prior to finding out that day at the hospital...now as we prayed on our way to the hospital was God unable to change the outcome because although we didn't know the outcome at that point he was in fact already gone. Were our prayers in vain or could God have brought him back to life in my womb? He is all powerful right? If He is and He could, then why didn't He? Did we not pray hard enough? I will argue that this isn't the case, but He does save some babies and not others? We prayed through this whole pregnancy and I still lost Gabriel, yet some people who don't even believe in God have multiple children and don't care for them...so it can't be a matter of prayer or faithfulness in God. In this case it's also not a matter of free will...no one's bad decision caused this to happen (other than the very weak argument that Adam and Eve brought sin/evil into the world). I think that others in similar situations have this same sort of questioning...so someone said that "Everything happens for a reason" to make themselves feel better to make them feel as if their pain helps a bigger cause. They want to say that this crappy thing that happened has a larger meaning..we just need to spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out what this "reason" is and maybe only God knows what this grand "reason" is.
I just feel like accepting this explanation is saying that God HAD to take Gabriel to teach us a lesson because we just couldn't get it any other way. I think that this just sounds so cruel and that my faith in God must be so weak that He couldn't speak to me in any other way...this explanation does not make me want to seek out God more...it makes me angrier at Him for causing so much pain in my life.
I don't accept this cliche as answer, but at the same time I don't have any answers of my own. All I know is that I lost a part of myself when Gabriel died and that hole in my heart isn't going to get smaller no matter what the answers are...He is still gone and I still miss him terribly.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
reminders
Everyday there are constant reminders of what could have been or what should have been...although for some reason today those reminders seemed to hurt a little more than usual. I think it's the unexpected reminders that are the hardest...when I don't have time to prepare myself. I woke up this morning to be reminded by email of my baby shower this weekend...believe it or not I had forgotten because I took it off of my calendar. I should be getting ready to play silly poopy diaper games and hearing everyone's labor stories. This is supposed to be a time of celebration...not mourning.
I went to the school today to observe the teacher that I will switching positions with when I return in a week. I knew that I would see people that didn't know what to say to me and/or get lot's of I'm sorries etc. I was prepared for that. I walked into the school and one of the first people that I saw in the hallway was a counselor at our school that is due the same day that Gabriel was. Within a few minutes I turned down another hallway and saw another teacher due the week after me. I saw them and couldn't even make eye contact...it hurt so bad to see them and think we should be chatting about swollen ankles and preparing for our little ones etc...oh, how I would do anything for swollen ankles. This is supposed to be a time of welcoming...not saying goodbye.
Every stroller I see at the store and every baby picture I see on facebook is a constant reminder of what I am missing out on with my son. It's impossible for the reminders to go away...I need to learn how to live with them and accept that Gabriel is gone, but I'm just not there yet. This is supposed to be a time of tears of joy...not tears of pain.
I miss my son so much...this is all so unfair.
I went to the school today to observe the teacher that I will switching positions with when I return in a week. I knew that I would see people that didn't know what to say to me and/or get lot's of I'm sorries etc. I was prepared for that. I walked into the school and one of the first people that I saw in the hallway was a counselor at our school that is due the same day that Gabriel was. Within a few minutes I turned down another hallway and saw another teacher due the week after me. I saw them and couldn't even make eye contact...it hurt so bad to see them and think we should be chatting about swollen ankles and preparing for our little ones etc...oh, how I would do anything for swollen ankles. This is supposed to be a time of welcoming...not saying goodbye.
Every stroller I see at the store and every baby picture I see on facebook is a constant reminder of what I am missing out on with my son. It's impossible for the reminders to go away...I need to learn how to live with them and accept that Gabriel is gone, but I'm just not there yet. This is supposed to be a time of tears of joy...not tears of pain.
I miss my son so much...this is all so unfair.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
after the kicks
God has created some beautiful and amazing things including oceans, sunsets, mountains etc, but pregnancy has to top the list. I remember each ultrasound with Gabriel and Tom and I were just in awe at the miracle that was growing inside me. It was his 13 week ultrasound where we saw him moving and kicking for the first time and I remember seeing it on the screen and then looking at my stomach and thinking THAT is going on in THERE! After about 19/20 weeks or so I started feeling those same kicks and punches that I saw weeks before on the screen. I loved Gabriel from the moment we found out that he existed, but there is a special bonding that happens after you start feeling those kicks. I told Tom all of the time when I was pregnant that it was my favorite thing in the world...and now after losing Gabriel I treasure those kicks and punches even more.
A miscarriage is a difficult and painful experience...heartbreaking to lose the hopes and dreams that you have for your child, but I will say that losing Gabriel in no way compares...you connect with your baby in a beautiful way after the kicks come. Lots of people have said things to me about others that have had miscarriages etc. and I understand that they mean well, but having experienced both types of losses...they are entirely different. I didn't miscarry Gabriel. Feeling the life within you, well it changes you...forever. Knowing that each bump you feel in your stomach is a little arm or leg moving makes the pregnancy so real...you know without a doubt that there is a living body in there...that baby is a part of you.
So, as hard as it was losing Gabriel, I am so thankful for each and every kick and jab that he gave me. As much as we want to have another child...we also know that may not be a possibility for us, but I thank God that he gave me the opportunity to feel Gabriel move before he passed because it was the greatest honor and priveledge that I've ever had in my life.
A miscarriage is a difficult and painful experience...heartbreaking to lose the hopes and dreams that you have for your child, but I will say that losing Gabriel in no way compares...you connect with your baby in a beautiful way after the kicks come. Lots of people have said things to me about others that have had miscarriages etc. and I understand that they mean well, but having experienced both types of losses...they are entirely different. I didn't miscarry Gabriel. Feeling the life within you, well it changes you...forever. Knowing that each bump you feel in your stomach is a little arm or leg moving makes the pregnancy so real...you know without a doubt that there is a living body in there...that baby is a part of you.
So, as hard as it was losing Gabriel, I am so thankful for each and every kick and jab that he gave me. As much as we want to have another child...we also know that may not be a possibility for us, but I thank God that he gave me the opportunity to feel Gabriel move before he passed because it was the greatest honor and priveledge that I've ever had in my life.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
his place in the family
Yesterday we went to Tom's parents for his dad's birthday. They showed us changes they made to their picture wall including a frame that included all of the family members...in one of the picture slots I saw Gabriel's hand/feet prints...it made me cry of course...I am so thankful that Gabriel not only has a place in our hearts, but that we are not the only ones that will remember him and consider him a member of this family.
If Gabriel could communicate to us I'm sure that he would say "Thank you Gramma and Bubba for loving me and allowing me to always have a place in this family!"
As much as I miss his physical presence in our lives...Gabriel's precious spirit lives on and he will forever have his place in our hearts.
If Gabriel could communicate to us I'm sure that he would say "Thank you Gramma and Bubba for loving me and allowing me to always have a place in this family!"
As much as I miss his physical presence in our lives...Gabriel's precious spirit lives on and he will forever have his place in our hearts.
Friday, January 18, 2013
His name is Gabriel
Yesterday we went to see the genetics counselor and we learned that it is possible the Gabriel didn't pass as a result of this chromosome problem. We may never know for sure, but even though one of his chromosomes was inverted it may be balanced and therefore no genetic material was lost or gained. We should know more once our tests come back in 2-4 weeks. Our prayers are that this isn't a hereditary problem so that maybe we can give Gabriel a sibling one day.
When we went in to see the O.B. last week he kept referring to Gabriel as "the baby" or "your baby" etc. The whole time I wanted to say "He has a name!". Yesterday one of the first questions the counselor asked us was if our baby had a name and then everytime she referred to him she called him by name. It's amazing how much something so seemingly small is so important. I think for some when you use his name it personalizes it and they don't want to personalize it...it's easier to talk about if it's not personal. I also notice though that those that have had a significant loss like this that I've met in online support groups etc. always refer to Gabriel by name...they understand...they know that he was real...that he existed...and that any conversation about him can be nothing less than personal to me.
Yesterday, the 17th was hard...Gabriel's angelversary! Today is just another day...another day without my Gabriel.
When we went in to see the O.B. last week he kept referring to Gabriel as "the baby" or "your baby" etc. The whole time I wanted to say "He has a name!". Yesterday one of the first questions the counselor asked us was if our baby had a name and then everytime she referred to him she called him by name. It's amazing how much something so seemingly small is so important. I think for some when you use his name it personalizes it and they don't want to personalize it...it's easier to talk about if it's not personal. I also notice though that those that have had a significant loss like this that I've met in online support groups etc. always refer to Gabriel by name...they understand...they know that he was real...that he existed...and that any conversation about him can be nothing less than personal to me.
Yesterday, the 17th was hard...Gabriel's angelversary! Today is just another day...another day without my Gabriel.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
One month
One month ago today we got the worst news of our life and one month ago tomorrow (17th) I delivered Gabriel...I can't believe it's been a month. It seems like just yesterday.
I'm trying to do more and more, but it doesn't matter what I do to distract myself my thoughts always come back to Gabriel. I wake up in the morning in hopes that I just had the worst nightmare and hope to feel kicks in my stomach...but reality comes crashing down every single morning. It hurts so bad...I don't know how to describe the pain, but it's overwhelming sometimes and I can't keep it together. When I am keeping it together I feel like a fake...my smiles are no longer genuine because my joy is gone.
Talking about Gabriel breaks my heart all over again, but not talking about him feels so wrong...any other conversation just seems so trivial to me and I feel like I'm pretending like I care about anything else while inside I'm dying because I desperately miss my son.
I'm trying to move forward, but it all feels so wrong. I know that I need to go back to work because I need the positive distraction, but I am supposed to be home preparing for Gabriel to get here and then staying at home raising my baby boy. He's gone and it feels as if the best part of me left with him...
I hear from everyone that it will get better with time...I don't think that's true...I think that you learn how to manage the pain in time, but it hurts the same today as it did a month ago...no matter how much time passes he's still gone, our hopes and dreams and plans for our baby are still destroyed..and I still love him as much as I did on Dec. 16th...
I'm trying to do more and more, but it doesn't matter what I do to distract myself my thoughts always come back to Gabriel. I wake up in the morning in hopes that I just had the worst nightmare and hope to feel kicks in my stomach...but reality comes crashing down every single morning. It hurts so bad...I don't know how to describe the pain, but it's overwhelming sometimes and I can't keep it together. When I am keeping it together I feel like a fake...my smiles are no longer genuine because my joy is gone.
Talking about Gabriel breaks my heart all over again, but not talking about him feels so wrong...any other conversation just seems so trivial to me and I feel like I'm pretending like I care about anything else while inside I'm dying because I desperately miss my son.
I'm trying to move forward, but it all feels so wrong. I know that I need to go back to work because I need the positive distraction, but I am supposed to be home preparing for Gabriel to get here and then staying at home raising my baby boy. He's gone and it feels as if the best part of me left with him...
I hear from everyone that it will get better with time...I don't think that's true...I think that you learn how to manage the pain in time, but it hurts the same today as it did a month ago...no matter how much time passes he's still gone, our hopes and dreams and plans for our baby are still destroyed..and I still love him as much as I did on Dec. 16th...
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Our family
Friday, January 11, 2013
The Unknown
To me there is nothing scarier than the unknown...even death seems less scary to me than not knowing what is to come. The pain over the last 3 weeks has been near unbearable and not knowing if that pain is going to get better, not knowing if we will ever have a baby in this house, not knowing if I'll ever see my precious son again, not knowing if God is real...are all unknowns that I'm terrified of.
I feel like if I could see the future and know for certain what was in store (good or bad) that it would make the pain and heartache of living just a little easier...that if things made sense that would in turn make them easier. At the same time I remember the joy I felt on my wedding day...I felt like I was living a true fairytale getting to marry the man of my dreams. I didn't know that I would meet Tom, that we would fall in love and get married...and I definitely didn't know how completely and totally in love with him I would be. I wonder if I knew ahead of time what was in store if that would have taken anything away from the experience...if I wouldn't have appreciated what was in front of me because I always knew that it would eventually be there...maybe the years of yearning for someone to love and share my life with made the experience that much better. Well, even with all of the blessings that I have...my heart yearns for more...aches for more...and my hope and my prayer is that the unknown is worth all of the pain...
I miss Gabriel a lot today...I do every day, but some days are harder than others...the unknown scares the crap out of me...so I just keep hoping that God is real and that Gabriel is with Him in Heaven and that I will get to see him one day...
I feel like if I could see the future and know for certain what was in store (good or bad) that it would make the pain and heartache of living just a little easier...that if things made sense that would in turn make them easier. At the same time I remember the joy I felt on my wedding day...I felt like I was living a true fairytale getting to marry the man of my dreams. I didn't know that I would meet Tom, that we would fall in love and get married...and I definitely didn't know how completely and totally in love with him I would be. I wonder if I knew ahead of time what was in store if that would have taken anything away from the experience...if I wouldn't have appreciated what was in front of me because I always knew that it would eventually be there...maybe the years of yearning for someone to love and share my life with made the experience that much better. Well, even with all of the blessings that I have...my heart yearns for more...aches for more...and my hope and my prayer is that the unknown is worth all of the pain...
I miss Gabriel a lot today...I do every day, but some days are harder than others...the unknown scares the crap out of me...so I just keep hoping that God is real and that Gabriel is with Him in Heaven and that I will get to see him one day...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Need You Now
A few weeks before Gabriel's passing Tom told me about a song by Plumb that he heard while traveling. The day after we returned from the hospital after losing Gabriel Tom looked up this song and we felt it really captured how we were feeling. We've both been really struggling with our feelings towards God (mostly anger) so the lines like "I want to believe there's meaning here" etc. really strikes a cord because right now my faith isn't strong enough to say Yes, I believe there's meaning here...only I want to believe. Anyway, the words in this song really speak to where we are.
On Monday after we got the results from Gabriel's tests we got in the car and this song was the first one to come on the radio. Was it a sign?...I don't know, but I have started to feel a little resolution as to what happened to Gabriel which in turn help with my anger towards God for taking him. Now though admist my grief we are presented with new challenges and concerns about adding to our family in the future and it gets me angry at Him all over again.
I'm still talking to God in hopes that He's really there and in hopes that my baby boy is sitting with Him in Heaven...I'm not as sure as I used to be, but more than ever I NEED to believe.
I posted a link to the song and the lyrics. Maybe you are also in a place where this song speaks to you too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4
"Need You Now (How Many Times)" by Plumb
On Monday after we got the results from Gabriel's tests we got in the car and this song was the first one to come on the radio. Was it a sign?...I don't know, but I have started to feel a little resolution as to what happened to Gabriel which in turn help with my anger towards God for taking him. Now though admist my grief we are presented with new challenges and concerns about adding to our family in the future and it gets me angry at Him all over again.
I'm still talking to God in hopes that He's really there and in hopes that my baby boy is sitting with Him in Heaven...I'm not as sure as I used to be, but more than ever I NEED to believe.
I posted a link to the song and the lyrics. Maybe you are also in a place where this song speaks to you too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4
"Need You Now (How Many Times)" by Plumb
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
not just any baby
I saw a neighbor today that didn't know about Gabriel. After I told her what happened she said "I hear lots of people go on to have a baby after they lose one". She was trying to be comforting and that wasn't the first I've heard something similar and I would have probably said something just the same if it had happened to someone else. I think it's not until you experience this kind of loss that you know it's not about losing A baby...it's about losing this baby. I do want to have another child one day, but that child will never fill the hole that was left behind by Gabriel. I grieved when I miscarried, but even that kind of loss isn't the same...Gabriel has a name, we saw his face and know who he looks like...we talked to him, read to him, sang to him and prepared a room for him. He was already a significant part of our life at 27 weeks...and now always will be. In the months and years to come when my friends and family think back to this time in our lives...I don't want them remembering that we lost a baby...I want them to remember Gabriel!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Motherhood
Today was another hard day. We met with the doctor to find out what happened to our sweet little boy. It turns out that Gabriel had a chromosomal problem...we still have a lot to learn as to what this means exactly, but it was unlikely that he would have survived outside of the womb. For the last 3 weeks I've beat myself up feeling as if I failed him as a mother. I was scared that maybe I did or didn't do something that caused his passing. I felt that it was my responsibility to take care of him because I was his mother and that I failed at the most important job I'd ever been given.
So what does being a mother mean? I ask only because since we lost Gabriel I've heard people say things to me like "Don't worry you will be a great mother one day" or "You guys are going to make great parents one day" etc.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was filled with an instant indescribable love for my child. As Gabriel grew and I felt him move and kick that connection grew stronger and my love for him was unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. I would have done absolutely anything for him. I rubbed my stomach because I wasn't able to physically touch him yet, but the feeling I had when I did was as if he was already in my arms. I sang to him and read to him because I wanted to spend time and bond with my son...only he was in my womb and not my arms. I gave birth to my son...another moment of indescribable feelings. I know that Gabriel's soul was no longer there at that time, but I did give birth to my son and I did hold his precious little body. I saw his face and held his little hand and kissed his forehead.
I'm a teacher and a teacher of students that can't care for themselves...I do all of the daily care activities for my students such as changing them, wiping their noses, helping to feed them etc. I love my students and take care of them, but I am not their mother. Obviously being a mother goes far beyond the day in day out taking care of your child's needs. For me, I feel robbed of the opportunity to wake up in the middle of the night to my son's cries...to feed him and care for him. I was robbed of time bonding with him...playing and reading etc. I was robbed of all of those precious things, but I will love Gabriel with all of my heart until the day I die...and he will forever be my son and I will forever be his mother.
So what does being a mother mean? I ask only because since we lost Gabriel I've heard people say things to me like "Don't worry you will be a great mother one day" or "You guys are going to make great parents one day" etc.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was filled with an instant indescribable love for my child. As Gabriel grew and I felt him move and kick that connection grew stronger and my love for him was unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. I would have done absolutely anything for him. I rubbed my stomach because I wasn't able to physically touch him yet, but the feeling I had when I did was as if he was already in my arms. I sang to him and read to him because I wanted to spend time and bond with my son...only he was in my womb and not my arms. I gave birth to my son...another moment of indescribable feelings. I know that Gabriel's soul was no longer there at that time, but I did give birth to my son and I did hold his precious little body. I saw his face and held his little hand and kissed his forehead.
I'm a teacher and a teacher of students that can't care for themselves...I do all of the daily care activities for my students such as changing them, wiping their noses, helping to feed them etc. I love my students and take care of them, but I am not their mother. Obviously being a mother goes far beyond the day in day out taking care of your child's needs. For me, I feel robbed of the opportunity to wake up in the middle of the night to my son's cries...to feed him and care for him. I was robbed of time bonding with him...playing and reading etc. I was robbed of all of those precious things, but I will love Gabriel with all of my heart until the day I die...and he will forever be my son and I will forever be his mother.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
My Blue Balloon
I created this blog to have a place to write about Gabriel for my own healing and maybe one day it can help someone else who is going through something similar. I also wanted a place for Gabriel's memory to live on...I know that I will never forget him, but I want others to know what a big impact that he had in our lives in such a short time.
It's been 3 weeks exactly since we received the worst news of our life. I was 27 weeks pregnant and hadn't been feeling consistent movement for over a week. I used my home doppler a few days after his movement wasn't consistent and was able to find his heartbeat...called the doctor and they assured me that it was still early so not to worry about the lack of movement. A few more days went by and I still didn't feel like things were right and tried the home doppler again, but this time I couldn't find his heartbeat. We went to the hospital and they were unable to find Gabriel's heartbeat on the ultrasound either...it felt as if my world ended at that moment. If losing a child that you've carried for 27 weeks isn't heartbreaking enough...going through the birthing process knowing that you are not taking your baby home is just cruel. I was induced Sunday evening and gave birth to Gabriel on Monday night at 11:22p.m.
Gabriel was a beautiful little boy...he looked perfect...so much so that we kept waiting for him to wake up and start crying, but he never did. He weighed 2lbs 12 oz and was 15.5 inches long. I loved looking at all his little features (still love looking at his pictures) and seeing that he had my mouth, Tom's ears etc. It was precious time that we had with him, but hard knowing as we held him that his soul was no longer there. The nurse said that whenever we were ready she would take him...I wasn't ready to let him go, but I handed his precious little body over to the nurse.
The hospital stay was hard, but leaving was even harder as they wheeled me down to put me in the car...I was leaving the hospital without my sweet baby boy and it felt so wrong. I didn't want to let go of the idea that my baby wasn't coming home with us.
We came home and the house has never felt so empty. Reminders of Gabriel were everywhere including presents under our Christmas tree. I went in his room with all of his new furniture and I just wasn't ready to let go of the idea that he was never going to sleep in his room, hug his puppy dog, read his books etc. Those things were all reminders of all of the moments we were not going to have with him and we had to let go of and I wasn't ready.
We spent the rest of the week at home preparing for Gabriel's memorial service and each part of the process brought more heartache and more tears, but we wanted to honor Gabriel's life in the best way that we could. I cried for hours over the slide show we made, trip to the funeral home to get his ashes, and setting up the table of all of Gabriel's things. My husband mentioned doing a balloon release at the service and thought it sounded like a good idea, but didn't give it much more thought. The day of the service came and I was numb...it was hard, but I felt as if I couldn't cry one more tear after the last week. I made it through the readings, the song, the slide show etc. The last thing we did was walk into the back yard and have our closing prayer before we released our balloons. Scott (our pastor) talked about releasing Gabriel to God...I wasn't ready. I remember holding onto the ribbon of my blue balloon and not wanting to let it go. My hand slowly opened and I watched the ribbon slip through my fingers. I wept as I watched my blue balloon float away...I wasn't ready to let it go...I wasn't ready to let Gabriel go...
Now 2 weeks after the service and 3 weeks after that horrible day...I'm slowly letting go...of the hopes, dreams, plans etc. that I had for my sweet boy. Each hope that I had for him has a separate letting go...a moment where I have to watch another blue balloon float out of my sight...over and over again I have to let go of my blue balloon.
It's been 3 weeks exactly since we received the worst news of our life. I was 27 weeks pregnant and hadn't been feeling consistent movement for over a week. I used my home doppler a few days after his movement wasn't consistent and was able to find his heartbeat...called the doctor and they assured me that it was still early so not to worry about the lack of movement. A few more days went by and I still didn't feel like things were right and tried the home doppler again, but this time I couldn't find his heartbeat. We went to the hospital and they were unable to find Gabriel's heartbeat on the ultrasound either...it felt as if my world ended at that moment. If losing a child that you've carried for 27 weeks isn't heartbreaking enough...going through the birthing process knowing that you are not taking your baby home is just cruel. I was induced Sunday evening and gave birth to Gabriel on Monday night at 11:22p.m.
Gabriel was a beautiful little boy...he looked perfect...so much so that we kept waiting for him to wake up and start crying, but he never did. He weighed 2lbs 12 oz and was 15.5 inches long. I loved looking at all his little features (still love looking at his pictures) and seeing that he had my mouth, Tom's ears etc. It was precious time that we had with him, but hard knowing as we held him that his soul was no longer there. The nurse said that whenever we were ready she would take him...I wasn't ready to let him go, but I handed his precious little body over to the nurse.
The hospital stay was hard, but leaving was even harder as they wheeled me down to put me in the car...I was leaving the hospital without my sweet baby boy and it felt so wrong. I didn't want to let go of the idea that my baby wasn't coming home with us.
We came home and the house has never felt so empty. Reminders of Gabriel were everywhere including presents under our Christmas tree. I went in his room with all of his new furniture and I just wasn't ready to let go of the idea that he was never going to sleep in his room, hug his puppy dog, read his books etc. Those things were all reminders of all of the moments we were not going to have with him and we had to let go of and I wasn't ready.
We spent the rest of the week at home preparing for Gabriel's memorial service and each part of the process brought more heartache and more tears, but we wanted to honor Gabriel's life in the best way that we could. I cried for hours over the slide show we made, trip to the funeral home to get his ashes, and setting up the table of all of Gabriel's things. My husband mentioned doing a balloon release at the service and thought it sounded like a good idea, but didn't give it much more thought. The day of the service came and I was numb...it was hard, but I felt as if I couldn't cry one more tear after the last week. I made it through the readings, the song, the slide show etc. The last thing we did was walk into the back yard and have our closing prayer before we released our balloons. Scott (our pastor) talked about releasing Gabriel to God...I wasn't ready. I remember holding onto the ribbon of my blue balloon and not wanting to let it go. My hand slowly opened and I watched the ribbon slip through my fingers. I wept as I watched my blue balloon float away...I wasn't ready to let it go...I wasn't ready to let Gabriel go...
Now 2 weeks after the service and 3 weeks after that horrible day...I'm slowly letting go...of the hopes, dreams, plans etc. that I had for my sweet boy. Each hope that I had for him has a separate letting go...a moment where I have to watch another blue balloon float out of my sight...over and over again I have to let go of my blue balloon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)