after the kicks

God has created some beautiful and amazing things including oceans, sunsets, mountains etc, but pregnancy has to top the list.  I remember each ultrasound with Gabriel and Tom and I were just in awe at the miracle that was growing inside me.  It was his 13 week ultrasound where we saw him moving and kicking for the first time and I remember seeing it on the screen and then looking at my stomach and thinking THAT is going on in THERE!  After about 19/20 weeks or so I started feeling those same kicks and punches that I saw weeks before on the screen.  I loved Gabriel from the moment we found out that he existed, but there is a special bonding that happens after you start feeling those kicks.  I told Tom all of the time when I was pregnant that it was my favorite thing in the world...and now after losing Gabriel I treasure those kicks and punches even more. 

A miscarriage is a difficult and painful experience...heartbreaking to lose the hopes and dreams that you have for your child, but I will say that losing Gabriel in no way compares...you connect with your baby in a beautiful way after the kicks come.  Lots of people have said things to  me about others that have had miscarriages etc. and I understand that they mean well, but having experienced both types of losses...they are entirely different.  I didn't miscarry Gabriel.  Feeling the life within you, well it changes you...forever.  Knowing that each bump you feel in your stomach is a little arm or leg moving makes the pregnancy so real...you know without a doubt that there is a living body in there...that baby is a part of you.

So, as hard as it was losing Gabriel, I am so thankful for each and every kick and jab that he gave me.  As much as we want to have another child...we also  know that may not be a possibility for us, but I thank God that he gave me the opportunity to feel Gabriel move before he passed because it was the greatest honor and priveledge that I've ever had in my life.