I created this blog to have a place to write about Gabriel for my own healing and maybe one day it can help someone else who is going through something similar. I also wanted a place for Gabriel's memory to live on...I know that I will never forget him, but I want others to know what a big impact that he had in our lives in such a short time.
It's been 3 weeks exactly since we received the worst news of our life. I was 27 weeks pregnant and hadn't been feeling consistent movement for over a week. I used my home doppler a few days after his movement wasn't consistent and was able to find his heartbeat...called the doctor and they assured me that it was still early so not to worry about the lack of movement. A few more days went by and I still didn't feel like things were right and tried the home doppler again, but this time I couldn't find his heartbeat. We went to the hospital and they were unable to find Gabriel's heartbeat on the ultrasound either...it felt as if my world ended at that moment. If losing a child that you've carried for 27 weeks isn't heartbreaking enough...going through the birthing process knowing that you are not taking your baby home is just cruel. I was induced Sunday evening and gave birth to Gabriel on Monday night at 11:22p.m.
Gabriel was a beautiful little boy...he looked perfect...so much so that we kept waiting for him to wake up and start crying, but he never did. He weighed 2lbs 12 oz and was 15.5 inches long. I loved looking at all his little features (still love looking at his pictures) and seeing that he had my mouth, Tom's ears etc. It was precious time that we had with him, but hard knowing as we held him that his soul was no longer there. The nurse said that whenever we were ready she would take him...I wasn't ready to let him go, but I handed his precious little body over to the nurse.
The hospital stay was hard, but leaving was even harder as they wheeled me down to put me in the car...I was leaving the hospital without my sweet baby boy and it felt so wrong. I didn't want to let go of the idea that my baby wasn't coming home with us.
We came home and the house has never felt so empty. Reminders of Gabriel were everywhere including presents under our Christmas tree. I went in his room with all of his new furniture and I just wasn't ready to let go of the idea that he was never going to sleep in his room, hug his puppy dog, read his books etc. Those things were all reminders of all of the moments we were not going to have with him and we had to let go of and I wasn't ready.
We spent the rest of the week at home preparing for Gabriel's memorial service and each part of the process brought more heartache and more tears, but we wanted to honor Gabriel's life in the best way that we could. I cried for hours over the slide show we made, trip to the funeral home to get his ashes, and setting up the table of all of Gabriel's things. My husband mentioned doing a balloon release at the service and thought it sounded like a good idea, but didn't give it much more thought. The day of the service came and I was numb...it was hard, but I felt as if I couldn't cry one more tear after the last week. I made it through the readings, the song, the slide show etc. The last thing we did was walk into the back yard and have our closing prayer before we released our balloons. Scott (our pastor) talked about releasing Gabriel to God...I wasn't ready. I remember holding onto the ribbon of my blue balloon and not wanting to let it go. My hand slowly opened and I watched the ribbon slip through my fingers. I wept as I watched my blue balloon float away...I wasn't ready to let it go...I wasn't ready to let Gabriel go...
Now 2 weeks after the service and 3 weeks after that horrible day...I'm slowly letting go...of the hopes, dreams, plans etc. that I had for my sweet boy. Each hope that I had for him has a separate letting go...a moment where I have to watch another blue balloon float out of my sight...over and over again I have to let go of my blue balloon.
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