The Unknown

To me there is nothing scarier than the unknown...even death seems less scary to me than not knowing what is to come.  The pain over the last 3 weeks has been near unbearable and not knowing if that pain is going to get better, not knowing if we will ever have a baby in this house, not knowing if I'll ever see my precious son again, not knowing if God is real...are all unknowns that I'm terrified of.

I feel like if I could see the future and know for certain what was in store (good or bad) that it would make the pain and heartache of living just a little easier...that if things made sense that would in turn make them easier.  At the same time I remember the joy I felt on my wedding day...I felt like I was living a true fairytale getting to marry the man of my dreams.  I didn't know that I would meet Tom, that we would fall in love and get married...and I definitely didn't know how completely and totally in love with him I would be.  I wonder if I knew ahead of time what was in store if that would have taken anything away from the experience...if I wouldn't have appreciated what was in front of me because I always knew that it would eventually be there...maybe the years of yearning for someone to love and share my life with made the experience that much better.  Well, even with all of the blessings that I have...my heart yearns for more...aches for more...and my hope and my prayer is that the unknown is worth all of the pain...

I miss Gabriel a lot today...I do every day, but some days are harder than others...the unknown scares the crap out of me...so I just keep hoping that God is real and that Gabriel is with Him in Heaven and that I will get to see him one day...