One month ago today we got the worst news of our life and one month ago tomorrow (17th) I delivered Gabriel...I can't believe it's been a month. It seems like just yesterday.
I'm trying to do more and more, but it doesn't matter what I do to distract myself my thoughts always come back to Gabriel. I wake up in the morning in hopes that I just had the worst nightmare and hope to feel kicks in my stomach...but reality comes crashing down every single morning. It hurts so bad...I don't know how to describe the pain, but it's overwhelming sometimes and I can't keep it together. When I am keeping it together I feel like a fake...my smiles are no longer genuine because my joy is gone.
Talking about Gabriel breaks my heart all over again, but not talking about him feels so wrong...any other conversation just seems so trivial to me and I feel like I'm pretending like I care about anything else while inside I'm dying because I desperately miss my son.
I'm trying to move forward, but it all feels so wrong. I know that I need to go back to work because I need the positive distraction, but I am supposed to be home preparing for Gabriel to get here and then staying at home raising my baby boy. He's gone and it feels as if the best part of me left with him...
I hear from everyone that it will get better with time...I don't think that's true...I think that you learn how to manage the pain in time, but it hurts the same today as it did a month ago...no matter how much time passes he's still gone, our hopes and dreams and plans for our baby are still destroyed..and I still love him as much as I did on Dec. 16th...
Yes, yes to all of this.
ReplyDeletehttp://angelheartsforever.blogspot.com/2013/04/ians-story.html
Thank you Melanie for all of your kind words! I read Ian's story and I will keep up with your blog. Our stories are sadly similar...I only hope that I too will get my rainbow. I know though that the pain doesn't end with another baby in your arms. Thinking of you as well!
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