Everyday there are constant reminders of what could have been or what should have been...although for some reason today those reminders seemed to hurt a little more than usual. I think it's the unexpected reminders that are the hardest...when I don't have time to prepare myself. I woke up this morning to be reminded by email of my baby shower this weekend...believe it or not I had forgotten because I took it off of my calendar. I should be getting ready to play silly poopy diaper games and hearing everyone's labor stories. This is supposed to be a time of celebration...not mourning.
I went to the school today to observe the teacher that I will switching positions with when I return in a week. I knew that I would see people that didn't know what to say to me and/or get lot's of I'm sorries etc. I was prepared for that. I walked into the school and one of the first people that I saw in the hallway was a counselor at our school that is due the same day that Gabriel was. Within a few minutes I turned down another hallway and saw another teacher due the week after me. I saw them and couldn't even make eye contact...it hurt so bad to see them and think we should be chatting about swollen ankles and preparing for our little ones etc...oh, how I would do anything for swollen ankles. This is supposed to be a time of welcoming...not saying goodbye.
Every stroller I see at the store and every baby picture I see on facebook is a constant reminder of what I am missing out on with my son. It's impossible for the reminders to go away...I need to learn how to live with them and accept that Gabriel is gone, but I'm just not there yet. This is supposed to be a time of tears of joy...not tears of pain.
I miss my son so much...this is all so unfair.
Hey Laura it's Lindsay from the WTE group. I finally had the courage to read all your blogs & I want you to know you're not alone. You explain it so well. God? How can I believe in that? I had a pregnancy buddy who is due March 1st & each one of her facebook posts kill me. Seeing others with their babies rips my heart out. I can't even be around my own nieces right now which is killing me. It's a week today since I said hello & goodbye to my beautiful Lola. Very difficult day. I want another baby so bad but it won't be Lola & I can't yet wrap my brain around that. I also hate that even if everything goes perfectly, the soonest I will have another baby in my arms is about 2 years. To be honest I haven't even begun to accept this reality that she's gone, it's just too hard. Hate that you're dealing with it too but it's oddly comforting just communicating with someone who understands. It's exhausting trying to explain the pain to anyone who hasn't been through it. I commend you for getting ready to get back to work & I also believe that will be a great distraction. I'm not there yet, still have a lot to find out about all of this before I can get back to anything else. I need to know what happened & I need to know if I can try for another baby.
ReplyDeleteSorry this is getting so long. Just know I'll be reading & thinking of you. Stay strong <3
Lindsay, my heart breaks for you too! It is so difficult to see others with their babies and have perfect labors and deliveries. I swear that everyone I know has either just recently had a baby or getting ready to have a baby...facebook kills me so I'm not on there often.
DeleteWhy do you say two years until you can have another baby? Is that what your doctor said? I think that most doctors say you can try again after about 6 months. We will be waiting until all of our tests are in and then meeting with a Maternal Fetal Specialist after that...so a long road and I'm almost 37 so time is not on our side.
I will say that we will find a way to add to our family no matter what and I know that you will give Lola a sibling soon too!