The land of what could have been

The other day I got a mailer from Babies R Us that had "Baby's First Christmas" splashed across the front along with a cute baby in Christmas attire.  I'm assuming this came as a result of our baby registry we had for Gabriel.   These triggers happen more often than most people know.  One simple mailer causes me to think about what could have been for the next several minutes or hours depending on the trigger.  Then life moves forward and you get caught in it for a few minutes or hours until the next trigger.  Its hard and exhausting living this way...never knowing when something will bring you to tears, take your breath away, or cause you to leave the present and go to a place that doesn't even exist... The land of what could have been.

 For a place that doesn't exist I sure go there often...often on special days like holidays, birthdays etc., but people may be surprised how often I go there in normal everyday moments.  I went to the store yesterday and in the row of carts there were only those with carriers inside and I had to go outside to get a regular cart...I should be taking Gabriel with me to the grocery store... a regular part of our weekly routine.  I should be trying to figure out when the best time to go so as not to disrupt his nap or feeding time...I imagine what that simple task of the day should look like...but instead I have to leave what could have been and finish my grocery shopping.  Ah, but only minutes later walking by the baby aisle and see baby food and go back to what could have been and wonder what stage of food he would be ready for by this point etc.  And back and forth between worlds I go...all day...everyday...never a break from travel. Some days I get more tired than others...the trips can be more emotional.  Some days I have to work hard not to get lost in what could have been because I've stayed too long.  No one tells you about these trips back and forth...no one warns you that you often don't have control of when you are going...no one warns you about re entry into real life...and no one warns you that you will take dozens of these trips everyday for the rest of your life.  Minus the gaping hole in my heart...life is good here...I have an amazing husband...a precious puppy dog....and lots of family and friends that care so I always come back, but I understand how some couples going through this kind of loss don't come back as often as they need to...how they get lost in what could have been and spend more time there than they do in real life.  Its easy to do...way too easy...no one warns you about that either.

I miss my son terribly, but I have to force myself to leave what could have been because its just not a good place to live.  You may be forced to visit...that's beyond your control, but you don't have to live there.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You

Tomorrow Levine Children's Hospital and Kindermourn are doing a butterfly release ceremony to recognize babies lost to stillbirth and neonatal loss in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.   

After the success of Gabriel's book drive, they told his story at an administrators' meeting at CMC and then we were asked to read our book at the ceremony tomorrow.  We are honored to have a part in the ceremony, but I just wanted to take another opportunity to say thank you again for all of those that participated in our book drive in March.  

After seeing the positive response to the book from families going through our same grief, CMC would like to make this an annual book drive.  I miss my son terribly and not a moment goes by that I'm not reminded of his absence, but I am thankful that we are able to do something positive in his memory.

Our time with him was too short, but I am thankful that we were able to create some memories with him while he was with us.  My favorite memory will always be of our "family" time when we read to him in the womb.  This book drive is one of the few ways that I can think of that helps to keep Gabriel's memory alive and provides memories for other grieving families.

A few people that weren't able to participate in our book drive in March asked if they can still donate books.  We will collect books all year round, but plan to make as delivery to CMC in March because we raised enough books last time to last almost a year.  We will be working on an easier way to purchase and deliver books, but until then I've included our Amazon wish list link that ships directly to us.  Please be sure to add your name as a gift note because we received so many books that did not include names.  

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3M0Y47I2MC7PD/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_o_C-1

Thank you again to the following people that made Gabriel's book drive possible.

Lucy Larmondra

Mike and Lisa Ensalaco

Dan and Arielle Larmondra

Tom and Susie Larmondra

Dave and Maureen Valentine

Carol Valentine

Related Services Department at Cabarrus County Schools

  Amelia Barrows

  Amber Silianoff

  Amy Channell

  Nancy Kiger

  Reagan Crummey

  Regina Beamon

  Sharon Antoszyk

  Lindsey Johnson

  Allison Megahey

Jill Spencer

Julie Phillips

Stephanie Bryant

Ally Betley

Joyce Ray

Monica Smith

Christy Takach

Joyce Camp

Anne-Marie Key
Bobbie Jo Migliaccio
Gretchen Baute
Heather Drye

Sherry Lee

Carrie Whitley

Heather Clarke

Laura Pennell

Tina Willis

Joy Lineberger
Michel Lapalombella

Brandy Mills

Melissa Tapp

Cindy Hill

Pat Konicki

Audrey Remkus

Amanda Allen

Chris & Mauri Booth

Rebekah Hart

Lindsey Pratx

Ludmila Pashaev

Sandra Etherington

Tori Springate

Karen Cameron

Stacie and Jeff Yoder

Beth & Brian White

Nicole Anthony

Becky Stebelton

Mialee Schmeltzer
Matt and Katie Taylor

Deborah Drain & Family

Erin Conner-Holschuh

Ashleigh & Chris Twedt

Robbye Fielden

David Cline
Paul and Gretchen Kubinksi
Seth and Shannon McKay
April Lewis (Pinedale Christian Church)

Rick and Becky Walton
Kaye Goldbach
Michelle Kovalchick

another sleepless night

4 a.m. and been awake for a few hours now.  I occassionally have a sleepless night but they are becoming fewer and fewer as time goes on.  Most of them happen when my husband is traveling and all the fear of something happening to him too seeps in.  I've always been a bit of a worrier, but since losing Gabriel I realize how fragile life really is.

Tonight there is no specific reason for my sleeplessness...not sure how it started, but here I am...in the dark...with my thoughts...and they always go back to the same place...my son.  I do feel like sometimes I hold onto the pain as a punishment of sorts, but sometimes the pain just finds me...in the night...in the dark...and I can't escape it.

I'm not sure there will ever come a day when the pain doesn't find me unexpectedly.  It doesn't just find me in the night, but in the grocery when I hear an unexpected baby cry.  It finds me on facebook with an unexpected pregnancy announcement. It finds me watching mindless television...because even on Sci-fi shows they unexpectedly introduce a baby or pregnancy theme.  I can't distract myself, I can't run away from it...it always finds me.

One good thing about pain is that it reminds you that you are still alive...still survivng...and you are not forgetting.  I'm not sure that pain and remembering can be separated...so if I have to experience the pain in order to remember my son...well, it's worth it.

Gabriel didn't bring the pain...he brought love to my life...it was when he left that the pain came.  Since I can't have my son back right now...I'll take the pain.  I'll feel the pain so that I can feel the love...it's incredibly difficult,  but worth it.

So...on these sleepless nights...my mind wanders to a dark place...but in that dark place I also find love.  I think about darkness and love and am reminded of the cross...the ultimate place where darkness and love intertwined.

Gabriel, my hearts hurts...my heart hurts because you are not here...I always look for you in the darkness though and find love.  I look forward to the day that I can love you without the pain...but until then my sweet boy...my tears welcome your love in my life.

dedicated to those that "get it"

It's been awhile since I last posted...believe me it's not because I think of Gabriel less or hurt any less...actually it seems that I feel the pain more these days.  I was so numb in the beginning struggling to process what happened...then the anger masked a lot of the hurt...now almost 10 months later...I just simply miss my son....that's it.

I look at his picture all the time, but yesterday I found myself staring at it in disbelief...that's my son that I had to say goodbye to too soon...my son who I never "officially" met, but knew.  I saw it differently than before...saying to myself...yes, that's my son. Its becoming more real these days...I realize now that my life is left to live without my son...no longer any hope that it was as bad dream.  I'm wide awake and figuring out how to live this "new" life.  Every thing I do or decision I make tells me that Gabriel isn't here...every choice I make is different because he isn't here.

I can't bring Gabriel back and as my spiritual struggle continues all I can do is move forward.  The guilt weighs in regularly...learning how to balance moving forward with remembering and honoring my son is tough.

I haven't walked these last 10 months alone and I just wanted to say thank you to the beautiful people in my life that "get it" and have been there each and every painful step. We received so many cards, flowers etc. in the days and weeks following Gabriel's passing.  I think most people think that it gets better after a month or so, but what they don't realize is we have only started on this painful road.  I want to focus on the few that get that...the few that still check in regularly... the few that don't hesitate talking about Gabriel...the few that understand why I can't attend a certain function...the few that still include us in their lives...the few that don't ignore the elephant in the room...the few that don't dismiss our feelings...the few that acknowledge our pain...the few that aren't afraid to ask questions...the few that give me the opportunity to talk if I need to...the few that aren't afraid to show their emotion when i talk about him...the few that understand that we are changed people...the few that accept us for who we are now....the few that respect our feelings on sensitive topics or situations...the few that "get it".

I know there are still a handful of people that read this blog...you are likely amongst those that get it...so thank you.

I have the most amazing husband and although he has been such a source of strength for me...often people forget that he's still grieving too.  I'm thankful that he has people in his life that "get it" too.

Those of you that "get it"...well, you are a rare find...a true blessing and I am forever grateful to have you in my life.  I hope you know who you are.