dedicated to those that "get it"

It's been awhile since I last posted...believe me it's not because I think of Gabriel less or hurt any less...actually it seems that I feel the pain more these days.  I was so numb in the beginning struggling to process what happened...then the anger masked a lot of the hurt...now almost 10 months later...I just simply miss my son....that's it.

I look at his picture all the time, but yesterday I found myself staring at it in disbelief...that's my son that I had to say goodbye to too soon...my son who I never "officially" met, but knew.  I saw it differently than before...saying to myself...yes, that's my son. Its becoming more real these days...I realize now that my life is left to live without my son...no longer any hope that it was as bad dream.  I'm wide awake and figuring out how to live this "new" life.  Every thing I do or decision I make tells me that Gabriel isn't here...every choice I make is different because he isn't here.

I can't bring Gabriel back and as my spiritual struggle continues all I can do is move forward.  The guilt weighs in regularly...learning how to balance moving forward with remembering and honoring my son is tough.

I haven't walked these last 10 months alone and I just wanted to say thank you to the beautiful people in my life that "get it" and have been there each and every painful step. We received so many cards, flowers etc. in the days and weeks following Gabriel's passing.  I think most people think that it gets better after a month or so, but what they don't realize is we have only started on this painful road.  I want to focus on the few that get that...the few that still check in regularly... the few that don't hesitate talking about Gabriel...the few that understand why I can't attend a certain function...the few that still include us in their lives...the few that don't ignore the elephant in the room...the few that don't dismiss our feelings...the few that acknowledge our pain...the few that aren't afraid to ask questions...the few that give me the opportunity to talk if I need to...the few that aren't afraid to show their emotion when i talk about him...the few that understand that we are changed people...the few that accept us for who we are now....the few that respect our feelings on sensitive topics or situations...the few that "get it".

I know there are still a handful of people that read this blog...you are likely amongst those that get it...so thank you.

I have the most amazing husband and although he has been such a source of strength for me...often people forget that he's still grieving too.  I'm thankful that he has people in his life that "get it" too.

Those of you that "get it"...well, you are a rare find...a true blessing and I am forever grateful to have you in my life.  I hope you know who you are.