The land of what could have been

The other day I got a mailer from Babies R Us that had "Baby's First Christmas" splashed across the front along with a cute baby in Christmas attire.  I'm assuming this came as a result of our baby registry we had for Gabriel.   These triggers happen more often than most people know.  One simple mailer causes me to think about what could have been for the next several minutes or hours depending on the trigger.  Then life moves forward and you get caught in it for a few minutes or hours until the next trigger.  Its hard and exhausting living this way...never knowing when something will bring you to tears, take your breath away, or cause you to leave the present and go to a place that doesn't even exist... The land of what could have been.

 For a place that doesn't exist I sure go there often...often on special days like holidays, birthdays etc., but people may be surprised how often I go there in normal everyday moments.  I went to the store yesterday and in the row of carts there were only those with carriers inside and I had to go outside to get a regular cart...I should be taking Gabriel with me to the grocery store... a regular part of our weekly routine.  I should be trying to figure out when the best time to go so as not to disrupt his nap or feeding time...I imagine what that simple task of the day should look like...but instead I have to leave what could have been and finish my grocery shopping.  Ah, but only minutes later walking by the baby aisle and see baby food and go back to what could have been and wonder what stage of food he would be ready for by this point etc.  And back and forth between worlds I go...all day...everyday...never a break from travel. Some days I get more tired than others...the trips can be more emotional.  Some days I have to work hard not to get lost in what could have been because I've stayed too long.  No one tells you about these trips back and forth...no one warns you that you often don't have control of when you are going...no one warns you about re entry into real life...and no one warns you that you will take dozens of these trips everyday for the rest of your life.  Minus the gaping hole in my heart...life is good here...I have an amazing husband...a precious puppy dog....and lots of family and friends that care so I always come back, but I understand how some couples going through this kind of loss don't come back as often as they need to...how they get lost in what could have been and spend more time there than they do in real life.  Its easy to do...way too easy...no one warns you about that either.

I miss my son terribly, but I have to force myself to leave what could have been because its just not a good place to live.  You may be forced to visit...that's beyond your control, but you don't have to live there.