4 a.m. and been awake for a few hours now. I occassionally have a sleepless night but they are becoming fewer and fewer as time goes on. Most of them happen when my husband is traveling and all the fear of something happening to him too seeps in. I've always been a bit of a worrier, but since losing Gabriel I realize how fragile life really is.
Tonight there is no specific reason for my sleeplessness...not sure how it started, but here I am...in the dark...with my thoughts...and they always go back to the same place...my son. I do feel like sometimes I hold onto the pain as a punishment of sorts, but sometimes the pain just finds me...in the night...in the dark...and I can't escape it.
I'm not sure there will ever come a day when the pain doesn't find me unexpectedly. It doesn't just find me in the night, but in the grocery when I hear an unexpected baby cry. It finds me on facebook with an unexpected pregnancy announcement. It finds me watching mindless television...because even on Sci-fi shows they unexpectedly introduce a baby or pregnancy theme. I can't distract myself, I can't run away from it...it always finds me.
One good thing about pain is that it reminds you that you are still alive...still survivng...and you are not forgetting. I'm not sure that pain and remembering can be separated...so if I have to experience the pain in order to remember my son...well, it's worth it.
Gabriel didn't bring the pain...he brought love to my life...it was when he left that the pain came. Since I can't have my son back right now...I'll take the pain. I'll feel the pain so that I can feel the love...it's incredibly difficult, but worth it.
So...on these sleepless nights...my mind wanders to a dark place...but in that dark place I also find love. I think about darkness and love and am reminded of the cross...the ultimate place where darkness and love intertwined.
Gabriel, my hearts hurts...my heart hurts because you are not here...I always look for you in the darkness though and find love. I look forward to the day that I can love you without the pain...but until then my sweet boy...my tears welcome your love in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment