I'm not alone

Although I feel completely alone most days and that life has moved on and left me behind...I am so thankful for the handful of friends and family that have been dedicated to encourage and pray for us over the last few months.  I am thankful for those that have hurt right alongside of us while lifting us up at the same time.  Yesterday we had an appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and it was a hard day for me, but what got me through was the sweet texts/emails/calls that I received letting me know that prayers were being lifted up.  I've needed those prayers because there are days that I just can't pray myself...I know that those are the days that God lays us on the hearts of others.

I honestly didn't think that we would ever get answers about what happened to Gabriel, but yesterday we were told that Gabriel most likely died from an infection.  I had hoped that answers would bring me closure, but right now my heart is just broken.  The idea that my baby boy died from something that could have been prevented or cured with a round of antibiotics is more than I feel like I can handle.  The doctor said we did nothing wrong and there was nothing we could have done, but I feel like he was saying that so that I didn't carry any guilt.  The doctor said by the time I noticed his movement decreasing that Gabriel was probably too sick for help at that point, but I will always wonder if only I would have gone to the hospital sooner maybe he would still be here.  And where does God fit into this?  Could God not have found a way to let me know that my baby was sick?  Could He not have found a way to prevent him from getting sick?  Now that we know that Gabriel was a normally developing baby that just got sick...why didn't God save him?

I know that I need to focus on the positive...that this isn't likely to happen again in the future if we are lucky enough to try this again, but how do I think about the future and not be sad that Gabriel is not here.

Although I'm brokenhearted...it does my soul good to know that God has placed some truly beautiful people into our lives to walk with us on this journey.  We even got a gift in the mail from a stranger that heard about Gabriel.  I am glad to know that there are others that loved Gabriel too and that we are not alone.  I know those people know who they are...because they are likely the ones reading this blog.