Today is the 4th of July. Today is another heartbreaking reminder. Obviously days like Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc. are hard for baby loss families, but there isn't a month/special occasion that hasn't been changed to a day of sadness for us. I think that is one thing most people don't understand...that everything links to sadness for us. Valentine's Day was the due date of our baby we lost after Gabriel, Tom's birthday was when we had our miscarriage before Gabriel, our anniversary is just a few days before our last baby's due date...and believe me I can go on and on! When you think of all of the dates we found out, lost or were due with one of our babies, well...just about every month has a reminder of something sad. Every special occasion has a bit of sadness.
On July 3rd two years ago I took a pregnancy test...it was barely positive...so I took another on the 4th and it was a nice strong line...I was pregnant again (with Gabriel). We were scared because we already had experience with loss at that point, but we were hopeful and excited. We had friends up to our lake house and I remember how hard it was to keep our wonderful little secret from them. They brought wine and thought I was a dead giveaway when I didn't have a glass. I remember laughing with them months later when we announced our good news. 2 years ago today was one of the happiest times in our lives, but as I sit here at our lake house with empty arms for another year...even the memories of happy times are tainted with sadness. I don't think people can comprehend what its like to only have memories that contain sadness and to not have anything to look forward to this side of heaven.
We are merely surviving while time marches on for everyone else. Its like watching a movie of everyone else's lives while we sit still...day after day. We watch others rejoice and build memories and beautiful experiences. We try to find joy...we try to force good days, but everything is tainted in sadness. We are selling our lake home...and tonight we spent our last 4th on the water watching the fireworks. It was beautiful, but as I watched I fought the tears thinking of what should be. I can't believe two years have gone by...I see other's children grow up and celebrate birthdays, watch friend after friend get pregnant and add to their families...meanwhile we sit by and watch...mere observers and not active participators in life.
We still smile, we still laugh, but with every grin and chuckle there are tears ready to drop and we are not all present in any experience because part of us still resides in December 2012. I wish it was different... I want it to be different and if I could will us out of sadness I would, but I can't, so we sit...and watch...and pray that we can one day find a way to live again.
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