wrestling with God

The day of my 13 week ultrasound with Gabriel was the closest I ever felt to God. That day seeing the beautiful life growing within me...well, not only was I filled with complete joy, but there wasn't an ounce of doubt that God was real and that He brought this little miracle into my life and all of sudden the world made sense.  The day we found out that Gabriel died was the farthest I've ever been from God.  My world came crashing down and I felt no loving God could possibly take this precious life from me.  I was filled with grief those days following his death and birth...and although the grief is different now...I'm still grieving every minute of every day.  Some people try to understand the grief, but very few really understand the ugly process that grief takes you through.  It is intense sadness, but it is so much more than that...the best way I can describe my spiritual journey this last year and a half is to say I've been wrestling with God.  Yesterday was beyond a tough day for me and honestly I believe I'm down for the count...God you win!

There are people in our life that have no clue what this last 2 years have been like for us.  Stillbirth, miscarriage, and recurrent pregnancy loss are amongst the words used to explain our situation, but the reality is we have lost baby, after baby, after baby, after baby...it has been absolutely devastating and crippling.  We lost our son which is the worst thing most people can imagine...but just as we began to take a step forward after our first loss, we would take a million steps back after each and every loss.  This last loss...well, not only did we feel emotionally and spiritually crippled, but physically crippled as well.  Tom and I both have had a lot of health issues since January...2 years of pain and wrestling with God finally took its toll on us.  We are broken. I thought I knew what broken was as various points in my life...not even close.  Broken is having to write letters to all of the sweet babies you've lost because you don't want to get any of the memories blurred because there have been so many.  Broken is wrapping up a picture of your husband holding your sweet, but dead baby and giving it to him on your son's birthday.  Broken is giving encouragement to a dear friend saying that your natural miscarriage at 9 weeks was the least terrible process of all your losses as she is preparing to go through the same.  Broken is having someone tell you that your pain is too much for others to deal with and that they are the ones in need of support in dealing with you.  Broken is having to answer the question of how many children you have..."one we held in our arms that is not here on earth, but others we never even saw except on an ultrasound screen" is a total mood killer.  Broken is having to write on the back of a specialist form because there wasn't enough room on the front to write in all the gestational ages of your babies and when you lost them.  Broken is looking at your calendar having trouble finding a month that you didnt either lose a baby in or one was supposed to be born.  We are broken.   We are crippled.  We are no longer the same.  We are changed.

I wish that people could read that list each time before they address me or ignore me or whatever it is they choose to do with me.  Not because I want pity...actually the opposite.  In our culture we see sadness and fear as a weakness, but I will tell you that going through all of the things on that list requires strength...it just that I don't have any of my own left anymore...the strength that it takes to get up each day, the strength that it takes to go through losing baby after baby after baby after baby...comes from God.  God uses others to give us strength...I am forever grateful for the people that have surrounded us with support, but even more thankful for the people that have shown us grace.  You see...I told you the grieving process is ugly...there are people that put on a mask during the grieving process so you don't see the ugly because most people don't want to see it...it makes them uncomfortable.  We've chosen to be real with our grief so you see not only the deep sadness, but the anger too.  I've been angry...I've been angry with God, I've been angry at those that abandoned us, and I've been angry at myself.  I'm too tired to be angry anymore...I'm too tired too fight, I'm too tired to wrestle with God any longer.  I surrender!

I've wrestled with God and God won.  My heart's desire was to have a family to love and cherish.  I have a family...not the family I envisioned, but I have a family and one that I cherish...each and every baby.  I understand unconditional love better than most and I understand the sacrifice that God made for us better than most.  My life is not my own...I never really understood that before, but I do now.   Lord, I submit to you!

In Genesis 32 Jacob physically wrestled with God and he was literally crippled the rest of his life.  We are also crippled...we are humbled...we are nothing.  We need God.  I'm reminded tonight of this scripture:

Luke 9:24 " For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."