What you can do for a baby loss family!

A friend asked me the other day what she could do for another baby loss family and it got me thinking that I should put a list together.  I've read a lot of lists about what to say and what not to say, but not really anything about what you can do for a family suffering a baby loss.  These are not in ranking order because they are all important...they are just in the order I'm thinking of them.

1.  Dinner.  So many people brought us food in those initial days, but what was extremely helpful were those that brought food we could freeze and have another day.  When you are going through such grief there are a lot of days you just don't feel like eating.  Momma LuAnn brought us lots of frozen bowls of things like vegetable soup and chili which reheat easily and are enough food for those days you just need to take the hunger away, but not really feel like eating.  So especially for parents that don't have any living children to take care this is a great idea.

2.  Snacks.  I never would have thought of this, but my friend Stephanie made a beautiful basket with all sorts of snacks.  This was so nice because we didn't feel like grocery shopping but needed some things to eat throughout the day.  Often snacks were better than dinner for us because we didn't often feel like eating a big meal.

3.  Flowers.  We told people to make a donation instead of sending us flowers, but several people sent flowers anyway and they were beautiful and so nice to have around.  Tom's parents sent flowers on my birthday too which was a week before Gabriel's due date so especially meaningful.  The flowers can be anytime, not just the week following the death.

4.  Cards.  We received so many cards in the mail and even in this day of technology there is nothing like a card so instead of an email, text, or a Facebook post...send a card.  The other thing I really appreciated were cards that came weeks and months later.  We still have friends that send a random thinking of you card and it means so much to know that people are thinking of you months later.  My friend Amelia is the best at sending cards and sent one on Gabriel's birthday...meant so much to know that someone else was thinking of our son on his birthday.

5.  Books.  I still have many books that I haven't read yet because they were hard to read initially, but there comes a day when a person is ready and will pick up the book they've been staring at for months.  This is especially a good idea for people that don't know what to say, give a book and let the experts say it :).  There are many baby loss books out there and here are a few:
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
Grieving the Child I Never Knew
Empty Arms

6.  Jewelry.  Any kind of sentimental jewelry is appropriate... lockets, charms etc.  If you can find a way to personalize it with the child's name or birthstone etc.

7.  Thoughtful Gifts. We received some very thoughtful gifts since Gabriel died.  We have a lot of willow tree decorations and our neighbor got us a willow tree angel that still sits on display.  On Mother's Day a friend gave me framed art of Gabriel's name.  On Christmas Tom's sister gave us a beautiful plaque with the words to the hymn we used to sing to Gabriel.  Tom's other sister gave us the words to now I lay me down to sleep with Gabriel's name on it in a frame at Gabriel's memorial.   We received prayer shawls from my former co-workers and one of Toms cousins.  These gifts are especially meaningful on the days long after the loss when many forget...Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, anniversary of the baby's death etc.  It feels so good to know that others thought enough to do something special on those extra tough days.

8.  Donations in the child's name.  Making a donation to an organization important to the family in their child's name is extremely meaningful.  If you don't know what organization is important to them First Candle is a wonderful baby loss organization whose focus is on research and advocacy in the area of stillbirth and SIDS.  At First Candle you can make a donation in a child's name and if you know their address they will send the family a card recognizing the donation with their child's name.  We set up a permanent memorial fund for Gabriel there and if you are a close family member you could set one up in their child's name.  We had so many friends, family and coworkers make donations in Gabriel's name there.

9.  Service.  While we were in the hospital our friends Stephanie and Julie took care of our dog Lily.  What I didn't know until after we got home was that they cleaned our house and did our laundry.  If they would have asked me I would have refused, but it was so sweet of them and so nice to come home to a clean home.  If you are a neighbor you could offer to mow their grass etc.  It is a very humbling experience for a family to let someone in to do those kinds of things so don't make a big deal about it and don't wait for them to ask.  If you see dishes in the sink, just do them.

10.  Be there.  I had so many friends that were there inviting us to do things etc. and we weren't always up for it, but it felt good to be asked.  Most of our friends never pressured, but also made known that they were there when we were ready to get out and we eventually did.  I also think of my sister that remembers every appointment or test we are going through and always asks about it.  She is just there if I need to vent because I'm having a bad day.   Be available for when they need you!

11.  Encouragement.  My friend Shannon is the constant encourager.  I can't tell you how many letters I received or emails showing her support and encouraging me with Scripture.  This is a hard line to balance though because so many people say the wrong things, but stick to acknowledging their pain, that you are sorry and letting them know they are in your thoughts and prayers.  Avoid trying to come up with reasons for their loss or lessons their grief will teach them.

12.  Pray.  When the family comes to your mind, pray for them.  After you pray for them let the family know you prayed for them or ask them how to pray for them.  We had so many appointments and went through so much testing it felt good to know that we had people praying for us during all of that.  We also had days that it was almost impossible to get out of bed...notes telling me I was being prayed for gave me the strength I needed for that day.  I really appreciated those out of the blue notes...they always seemed to find me on my hardest days.

13.  Don't forget.  I promise you that the family that lost their baby will never forget so acknowledging their pain and letting them know you are thinking of them will not remind them of their loss.  Tom and I both have received so many thoughtful notes and messages from people and often people we are not in regular contact with to say how sorry they are or that they are praying for us.  Even now over a year later I get random notes and yes they make me cry, but that pain was already there and it is eased just a little by someone remembering.

14.  Use their baby's name.  I don't care who it is...it is always so much more personal when someone uses Gabriel's name.

15.  Be patient.  If you invite a baby loss mom to coffee don't take offense if they don't take you up on it right away.  Just let them know you are there and ask again in a few weeks so they know you are still around.  Baby loss families don't ever "get over" their loss, but in time they start to resume some normal activities.  Be patient as they figure out their new normal and how to re-enter  the world around them.  The more patient you are with them the more likely they will be to be comfortable around you.

16.  Be sensitive.  Picture a baby loss mom or dad with the words fragile written on them.  If a box said fragile you would carry it differently than one that didn't.  Remember that there are triggers for them.  I wouldn't ask about their future family planning unless they bring it up.  I remember just weeks after Gabriel died people asked me if we were planning to adopt and Tom and I hadn't had those conversations yet so I wasn't ready to talk about them with others.  I also remember a few friends struggled to know how to let me know about their new pregnancies.  This is something to do personally, you don't want them to hear it from someone else because I know for me I hated getting caught of guard or surprised especially in front of other people.  Write a personal note to the mom and let her know that you realize this is a sensitive subject, but you are thinking of them.  I remember the sweetest note from Amelia announcing that she was expecting her 2nd child and in it she said to feel free to block her on Facebook etc.   She understood my pain and I didn't have to feel guilty.

I'm sure there is more, but those are the things I appreciated the most.  I've had old high school and college friends, old co workers etc. all reach out to me at various points along our journey and am deeply touched because it would be easy for them to pretend they didn't know.  I'm also thankful for the family and friends that have made this journey easier.  Hopefully this list will help you make the journey easier for someone else.