sometimes there are no answers

It's been a month since my last post and as I read over my recent posts I can tell that I was in the anger phase of the grief process.  This past month has been an emotional roller coaster.  Most of you that read this blog probably already know that we are losing another baby.  I found out I was pregnant again about 5 weeks ago.  We thought that maybe we had a reason to be happy again...something to be joyful about.  All of my initial bloodwork was good and everything seemed to be headed in a positive direction so we felt like we could actually be excited about this new life coming into our life.  We had our first ultrasound and all that was seen was an empty sac and I was measuring behind.  We  began to grieve our loss because I knew my dates were spot on and I didn't see a lot of hope.  I felt like we had hit rock bottom...I prayed...I prayed that God would save this pregnancy, but at the same time I knew that I didn't want to lose another baby so I prayed that if this pregnancy wasn't meant to be that He take it now because I couldn't go through the turmoil of seeing a baby and then losing it.  So our next scan was only 5 days later and we miraculously saw 6 days of growth and inside the sac was a fetal pole...the sac was no longer empty and although there was no heartbeat yet I felt that God heard my prayers and that He was stepping in.  So we had to wait for another week for our next ultrasound and although I knew that this didn't fit any textbook pregnancy I believed that God would show us a miracle.  We went in knowing that things could go bad, but believing that God would show Himself.  Not only was there no heartbeat, there was no growth since our last scan.  So now we wait to miscarry again.  I'm not sure what to think of God right now...why allow me to keep getting pregnant if it's not meant to be.  Why did he allow us to see a baby at the last scan and then take it away. 

The cruelest part of this experience is that I'm likely miscarrying due to a chromosome problem...but we had Gabriel here for 27 weeks that was normally developing and we lost him for a completely different reason.  So we got lucky with Gabriel...perfect little embryo that grew and developed into a beautiful baby...but then he didn't get to come home with us.  How unlucky can two people get.  Our miscarriages completely unrelated to Gabriel and yet we lost them all.  It's not about what is fair or right or what we deserve or don't deserve...It feels as if God is just being cruel to us at this point...for what purpose?  I don't want to hear another person say it's part of some grand plan that God has for us...because whatever the future holds for us there had to of been another way...a less painful way.  If God wants us to adopt then why let us get pregnant over and over again...and why let us carry a baby to the point that he could have lived outside of my womb and then take him? 

It's hard not to be angry...and no I don't just accept "God's plan" and know that there is joy in the suffering like I've been told.  There has been no joy in our suffering and just as we had a glimpse that God would maybe spare us from more pain...He did not.  Why would God want His children to develop hard hearts?  I've given my life to further His Kingdom...I've worked in children's homes, helped planted churches etc. all for little to no money.  I scraped by for years to give of my time to do His work.  Some of you knew me when I worked 2 jobs so that I could afford to work for the church for free.  I taught children about God's unfailing love...and now I sit here questioning the years that I devoted to Him because I feel far from loved right now. 

I still believe in God...just don't feel like I don't really know who He is anymore...the things that I thought I knew about God just don't seem to fit the reality that we are living.

I miss my son...I miss him as much today as the day before and the day we lost him.  People say it gets better in time...but it's not true because love and pain are intertwined...I don't love him any less so why would I hurt any less?!?!  You learn how to cope, you learn how to manage...but the pain never leaves.  I have a lot of questions for God...just wish that He could answer some while here on earth.  I don't really want to hear the old cliches anymore...I don't want to here about God's plan for my life...I definitely don't want to hear about joy in the suffering.  Maybe one day it will become clear to me and I can look back and read these entries and say "If I only knew what I know now"...but until then...let me be angry...let me be sad...let me question God...let me do these things without feeling like less of a Christian or that my faith isn't strong enough.  Because I believed...I believed that God could do something amazing in our life and He didn't...

I appreciate all of the beautiful messages and emails that I received from my prayer warriors yesterday...I am thankful that there are some amazing people in our life that are praying for us when we just can't...and I am thankful for those that understand that sometimes there are no answers and don't try to say things to just make me feel better...because there are no words that can possibly answer the pain that I feel.