Saturday, January 17, 2015

a new year

Most people believe a new year is supposed to bring new hope, new goals, and a fresh start.  I wish I could believe the same.  2012 was a horrid year...a miscarriage in May right before we got pregnant with Gabriel and of course the year ending with Gabriel's passing.  We tried hard to believe that 2013 was going to be a different year, but with the first try since Gabriel died ending in miscarriage over that summer...it was hard to believe in new hope, but we ended the year with a new pregnancy.  2014 began and we held onto hope that that pregnancy was going to be the one, but shortly after the new year began we learned we lost yet another baby.  2014 was definitely not for us because we lost our baby in January and yet another just this December shortly before Christmas...a year bookended by loss.   So just a few weeks out from our last loss it's hard to imagine a year that isn't filled with loss, heartache, disappointment, fear, sadness, and anger because that's what we've known for 3 years.

I know that some people in our life are over the whole season of grief we've been in and believe me I wish I could escape it too.  We mourn Gabriel's loss every day...it's different now than it was, but we still feel the impact of his loss daily.  The pain of his loss is compounded though by every other difficulty we have faced since then.  So, something that may make someone else just miss a step...well, that same thing can bring us to our knees. Many people don't get that...we feel so fragile...less fragile than last year, but we've learned the hard way that your life can change dramatically in just a moment...in the amount of time it takes to hear the words "there's no heartbeat". Our innocence is lost...carefree isn't in our vocabulary anymore.

So while we have new goals, new hopes and dreams of a fresh start for a new year...we face the reality that most likely we will not have a baby in our home this year...in which case the only thing we have control over is our attitude and the way we face our circumstances.  Thankfully, I am truly blessed with the most amazing and supportive husband.  We love our little family with the sweetest puppy dog in the world.  We also have an incredible church family that has immersed us in prayer and support.  We love the life we have...there is just a gaping hole in it.  So as we continue to heal, our hope for this new year is that God gives us the peace and strength we need to face each new day!

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