Saturday, January 24, 2015

Smiles only, no dumping!!!



Anyone, who follows my blog knows what a difficult last few years we've had with 5 losses including losing Gabriel.  In that time I've been amazed at the love and support we've received from so many...even more amazed at the amount of people I didn't know or barely knew that reached out and continue to reach out to us.  Just in the month of December we received several cards in remembrance of Gabriel's birthday, donations to charities in his memory, and thoughtful gifts of ornaments, bracelets and momentos all honoring Gabriel (and our other lost babies).  But, for some reason all of my energy and focus goes on the one person who continues to hurt me. 

We've had a few people in our life that haven't reached out over the last few years and at first my feelings were hurt, but then I remember that it really is difficult to reach out to hurting people.  I tried to make it easier for others to know what to say or do by writing in my blog.  I've had several people thank me for the ideas because you encounter hurting people all of the time and many people want to do something, but don't know what to do.  So I know that there are many people in my life that likely wanted to say or do something, but either couldn't muster the courage to or didn't know how to.   I hope that those reading my blog now will have the courage to reach out to other loss families in the future.  It makes me feel good to think that Gabriel's life continues to make a difference.  

As baby loss parents we've learned the hard way how fragile life is...one of the most difficult things in life after loss is not waiting for the other shoe to drop...not waiting for the phone call that will bring you to your knees...not waiting for your nightmares to become a reality.  As baby loss parents we are fragile.  I know I've said it before, but I think this is one of the most important things for people to understand.  It doesn't take much to cause us to crumble.  So please, be gentle with loss families.  People going through grief don't need you to dump on them.  I saw this graph shortly after Gabriel died and thought to myself "How absurd, no one would dump on a grieving person would they?".  Sadly I know the answer to that question is yes.  I know that I am passionate about baby loss and I know that I am brutally honest on public forums when it comes to that topic and I know that it may rub someone the wrong way that thinks differently than I do, but in my wildest dreams I never expected to be ripped apart for something I strongly believe in and talked to so disrespectfully.  Anyway, I remembered this graph and thought I would share.



Basically this just means that the people in the inner circle are the closest to the grief and as the circles go out the farther away from the grief you are.  The idea is here that you always comfort in and dump out.  Sounds simple right?  It doesn't mean you always have to see eye to eye with someone...it means if you have something other than comfort than it needs to go out NOT in.  It also doesn't mean you can't constructively share your concerns or frustrations...just don't do it on the people in the center. 

My day yesterday was consumed with hurt, anger, and frustration over mere insensitive words from ONE person.  I felt as if I was being kicked in the gut when I was already down.  It took every bit of strength that I had and the rest from God to just manage through the month of December.  Gabriel's birthday, another miscarriage and then Christmas.  I felt as if I was just beginning to put one foot in front of the other again this month when WHAM I was hit with some very harsh words.  Only words, but like I said it doesn't take much to bring a loss momma to her knees again.  Right now, we need support...if you don't want to be in our corner, that's fine, but please don't be the person to kick us while we are down.  My first reaction was anger...to want to lash back....my next reaction was deep sadness because on top of the pain of our losses now we have to figure out how to deal with  broken relationships.  This lead me back to anger because I didn't understand why someone would want to create more heartache for me right now.  The whole day I tried to let it go and give it to God, but I struggled...badly.  My heart was heavy.  I thought it was important for me to share this graph so others can understand the importance of not dumping your stuff of those grieving because whatever you got going on, I can guarantee that they have way more pressing on their hearts and minds.  

Today Tom and I went to help a couple in our small group move.  No extra special day, but lots of smiling, giving, loving faces.  No one that wanted to dump their stuff on me...just people lifting heavy furniture with love and smiles.  The whole morning we laughed and smiled as we carried boxes and not once did I think of the person that hurt me.  This morning I felt normal again because I was around people that genuinely love each other with the love of Christ.  I read the quote above this evening and I thought that it was perfect for my last two days.  I am incredibly grateful for the beautiful people in my life that continually make me smile even with a hurting heart. I am incredibly grateful for my husband that loves me, supports me, and knows exactly what to do and say to cheer me up even when others try to break me.  

2 comments:

  1. I am so sad to read your blog. My heart goes out to you as you go through the same excruciating pain again. If there is anything I personally, or the nurses on the loss committee can do, please don't hesitate to contact us. We love you both and are so grateful to you for opening your hearts to us, especially those of us who haven't been where you are. I admit that even though I take care of patients who go through a loss, I can only imagine the depth of the pain you feel. Thank you for your willingness to share, not just through your ministry to those who are also suffering, but also your hearts which give us insight to care for our patients. I will continue to pray for peace that passes all understanding

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    1. Thank you Venetia as always for your kind words. You have no idea how much we have appreciated all of the encouragement and support we have received from you and your team at CMC. We love being able to work along side of all of you to help others in similar situations. I love that Gabriel's life has even more meaning through our work at CMC.

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