3 months

I can't believe it's been 3 months since we said goodbye to Gabriel.  Although my memories are fading, my heart still feels the sting like it was yesterday. 

Even good days make me cry.  It's hard to think about anything really without thinking about how things should be different.  It was a beautiful weekend and I was cleaning the pool outside and although a mindless activity...all I could think about was I should be putting Gabriel on the shelf of the pool in a few months for the first time.  We wanted him to love the water and wanted him to get used to it early in life...I pictured him dipping his tiny toes in the water while Lily licked him in the face. 

We had a good day yesterday shopping for bikes for our birthdays...I cried on the way home thinking...how can I "enjoy" anything because I shouldn't be bike shopping, I should be home with a newborn.  I took Lily to the park both Saturday and today and both days I saw strollers...I want to enjoy the beautiful day with my puppy dog, but all I can think about is that I should be pushing Gabriel in a stroller too.

Everything just feels wrong and I still can't shake that feeling.  The world will likely never be in balance and nothing will ever be "right".  We will do the best we can to find joy again, but ultimately every bit of joy is tainted with sadness underneath.  Even the best things we will experience in the future will always end with...but Gabriel should be here.

I think the biggest endeavor for me right now is reconciling with God.  I'll be honest and say I don't even know where to begin.  I've ignored him, screamed at him, and been on my knees weeping begging for him to make it right.  None of these have made me feel closer to Him.  I rarely pick up the Bible, but I know that is how He would "speak" to me if He is going to.  I guess I feel like nothing He has to say is going to make it right so why bother. I'm sure I'll get there eventually.  I haven't completely lost faith...I have to believe that God is real because that is the only way that I know that I'll see Gabriel again one day, but it just doesn't make sense that He would allow this to happen after all of the prayers that we prayed for our little boy.  So, not sure where we stand right now...my faith isn't gone, but it's not what it used to be either.  Nothing is as it should be anymore.