March

I wish that I could go to sleep and wake up in April!  I have so much anxiety this month...just can't help but think about what could have been...what should have been.  I've been trying to occupy myself with positive things and think of positive things, but I always come back to wondering how different everything would have been...Gabriel would either be here already or we would be anxiously awaiting his arrival any day now.  For 6  months I had March 14th on my brain...knowing that he wasn't likely to arrive ON that day, but I knew that he would be here sometime around then so I already thought about how we would be spending my birthday this year (all snuggled in bed instead of my annual bday hike) or Easter or how old Gabriel would be on his first Christmas etc.   It's hard to just wipe those thoughts away as if they never existed...they didn't happen, but my thoughts were real so it's like trying to erase memories.  It's all just wrong...it feels so wrong that it makes me wonder if there is an alternate universe out there (like on Fringe) where I didn't lose Gabriel and I'm laying in bed not sleeping because he is kicking like crazy and my back hurts and I'm swollen head to toe and wondering when this little boy is going to arrive.  What I would give?!?!   I obviously know that's not true, but I do think about such non-sense sometimes...because it feels like it could be true.

I know that it's just another month without him...not really any different than January or February, but it feels different...now that we are in March when Gabriel SHOULD have arrived I am much more aware of my empty arms.  I remember thinking March is such a good month to have a baby in because Spring is coming and Spring signifies birth/life etc.  March signifies something far different for us now...and March will never be the same again.

Gabriel...oh how I wish you were here in my arms...